(Closed) Am I judgmental?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I mean sure you’re being judgmental I guess? But sometimes our judgments are correct. She’s focusing on the fact that you’re “judging” her rather than listening to the content of what you’re actually saying…that way she can remain the victim.

Honestly I think you’ve done a lot more for her than many people would. I was once very close friends with a woman who, a few years into our friendship, began spiraling out of control with drugs and alcohol. She actually tried to steal from me one time. She later apologized and I forgave her, but after that point things were never the same between us…I just felt like she brought nothing but drama and angst into my life and I didn’t feel like dealing with it anymore…so I slow faded her. I still feel guilty about it sometimes (this was a few years ago) so I can understand how you’re feeling…but at the same time I have no regrets about distancing myself.

It sounds like your friend has done a lot worse than stealing…she gets physically abusive with you when you’re drunk and says awful thigs…and even after all that you forgave her and welcomed her into your wedding party. You’ve done more than enough. At this point, call it “judgmental” or not, I think you’re absolutely right to distance yourself until she can pull herself together. Ultimately she’s the only one that can make that decision and follow through with it. All you can do is tell her you’ll be there for her when she does.

Post # 3
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

She sounds like she isn’t being a good friend right now. Judgemental? Maybe, but rightfully so. She is a danger to herself, her kids and the general public. I would not have any contact with her for a loonngg time. I’m not one to stay close with people who abuse me and say those kinds of horrible things though.

Post # 4
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Addiction is a disease and it sounds as if your friend is dealing with an alcohol addiction.  People who are in the throes of their addiction often lash out at those closest to them because they are well aware that they have a problem, but do not want to be called on it.  It’s important to set strict boundaries with addicts and to not get drawn into the chaos that surrounds them.  Hopefully she will seek treatment and return to the person you once knew, but I think it’s perfectly appropriate for you to have told her that until she gets help, you cannot have her in your life.  You should do some research on things like enabling and co-dependency.  Al-Anon could be a good resource for you as well.  

Also, if she’s drinking this heavily and driving/passing out in front of her children, she could be putting them at serious risk. I know it’s difficult, but if you fear for their safety in any way, you should be contacting your local child welfare agency.  You can make an anonymous report or even if you tell the agency who you are, they are not able to disclose to the parent who reported on them.  

Good luck, loving an addict is very painful.  

Post # 6
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

Judgemental is attaching value to an observation/fact. You clearly are attaching a negative value to her drinking problem – and that’s perfectly ok, given the situation! She’s driving drunk and passing out in front of her kids! It’s exactly situations like that that call for being judgemental. 

You have to look at the reasoning behind the judgement to know if it’s ok or not. You aren’t judging her because you’re jealous or insecure or out of touch with reality or want to feel better than her. You’re judging her because she’s making terrible decisions and she’s left you no other choice. 

Post # 7
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

She’s an alcoholic, none of this is about you.  She needs help and I think you are right to distance yourself from her. 

Post # 8
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

She behaved very badly at your wedding but in case it helps, I doubt she meant her comment, when people feel bad about their own behaviour they often lash out. It doesn’t make it right or acceptable, but I’m confident she did value you as a true friend based on the little you have shared.

My late brother was an addict and he was sometimes incredibly cruel to our mother and said the most terrible things to her, I know he loved her more than anyone else in the world. 

It’s up to you whether you want her in your life but please don’t take what she said as reflecting her true feelings over the course of your relationship. That’s not to say I think you should forgive and have her in your life, you can forgive and decide legitimately that you don’t, I just want to offer comfort if you are hurting because you think she never really cared for you. 

Post # 9
10543 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

She is an alcoholic and is saying things sober her likely doesn’t believe is true. Don’t take anything she says personally, she’s sick.

But yes, I agree you need to distance yourself from her. I hope there is someone who can intervene with her children to make sure they are okay? If not, I think it falls to you to make a call to some sort of welfare agency.

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