(Closed) Am I just being overly sensitive? (LONG)

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: Am I being over sensitive?
    Yes, suck it up. : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Maybe, you probably just misunderstood her intentions. : (0 votes)
    No! : (110 votes)
    98 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    You poor thing. I have no advice to give, I just want to say that I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I admire your resolve, grace and strength under that kind of scrutiny and pressure. I would have crumbled if treated like that by my FI’s mother (or anyone’s mother for that matter)! Sending lots of cyber-hugs your way!

    Post # 4
    Member
    1014 posts
    Bumble bee

    Wow.  That is terrible. She completely over stepped her boundaries in my opinion.  You are not her daughter and your relationship is none of their business (especcially your sex life).

    I dont know what to say. I would have thought your SO would be furious with his mother for speaking to you like that!

    Post # 5
    Member
    9613 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    ((HUGS))  I am so sad you had to go through that.  She is a raving bitch to treat you that way!  I’m impressed you remained so calm and polite and I hate she made you cry.

    Wow, some people can be so mean!  You are not overreacting or being overly sensitive in the least.  She blindsided you with total rudeness while you’re a guest in her home.  There’s just no excuse for that.

    I’m glad your SO immediately confronted her.  At least he tried talking with her.  She is so wrong for putting both of you in this position.  I hope he does believe everything you said.  Try to not let her come between you, that may be what she wants!

    Try to just ignore her for now and don’t let her get to you anymore.  Let your SO handle any other issues that come up – she’s his mother and he knows how best to deal with her.

    So sorry that happened to you, my dear! 

    Edit:  I know you’re atheist, but you behaved a thousand times more “Christian” than she did!  Christians should be kind, loving and understanding.  She completely failed!  Ask her if Jesus would treat someone that way.  I think not! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    This is crazy. Have your told your Fi. I bet you anything she did hopeing you wouldn’t say anything. She has no rights to make those demands, how she and her family choose to live their life is their business. She doesn’t get to dictate anything from living togehter, sex, when you get married. I hope you tell yoru Fi and he rips his mother a new one.

    Post # 7
    Member
    9556 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m so sorry!!! You’re definately not being overly sensitive (and I tell people when they are)! This was completely uncalled for. I’m so glad that your SO confronted her about it but I wouldn’t let it rest at “you probably got the wrong impression”. I would probably wait to confront her until you are out of her house. But once you’re not living under her roof I would definately sit down with her and your fiance. talk to your fiance about it before hand so that you can have a united front. Try not to be angry but say that you dont’ keep secrets from your SO and so you want to discuss everything openly and honestly. Bring up specific things that she said and get her to confirm or deny that she said those things. Ask if she still means them. Have your fiance give his opinion. I’d bet she doesn’t want to say these things to him because he’s her baby but the conversation definately needs to involve him. Honestly it needs to involve him more than you. He sounds like a great guy but don’t let his mom walk all over you. Calling her Mrs. xxx is cold and formal, but livable, her giving you ultimatums about sex and marriage is not.

    Post # 8
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Honestly, I think this is and should be a really big issue. She was more than rude, she was unbelievably inappropriate and even cruel. If she had issues with your relationship, she should have talked to her son. You can say anything in a nice voice, but words and their meaning are still the same. If I walk up to my mom in the sweetest most cheerful, affectionate voice and say, “Hey, mom. Go f**k yourself” does that make my words less hurtful and disrespectful?

    Although it may have been her intention to drive a wedge between you and your SO, and you may not want to give her the satisfaction of creating problems, I really think this merits more serious discussion between you and him. If he cannot/will not defend you or at the very least BELIEVE you when it comes to his mother talking to you like that, how does that bode for the rest of your relationship? If she thinks she can dictate your sex life, when you’ll get married, etc. what does she think her “rights” are in terms of your wedding, how you’ll raise children if you have any? Not okay. Unacceptable.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Big virtual hugs to you and a kick in the ass for her.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’m going to play devil’s advocate on this one. While I don’t particularly agree with the way the conversation was held, I think FMIL has every right to bring her concerns and differing views to the OP. The OP and her FMIL clearly have different values and morals, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, but neither one should be forced to stay silent and simmer.  These are very core, fundamental values that are at odds and they’re not likely to change, although there could (and should) be some compromises on both sides.

    OP– first i would let the whole name thing go. That’s just a matter of preference to a lot of people, and if she wants you to call her Mom or Mrs Cleaver or Puddin’tain, none of that matters.  It’s just cosmetic, and given the greater issues out there, I’d just call her what she wants to be called and get on with life.

    On the rest, you both need to have another conversation, this time with your fiance and perhaps your FMIL’s husband (not sure if that is fi’s dad) involved.  You must start out with some ground rules: no accusations, no name-calling, no passionate emotional displays, and all agree to stick to those.  Then lay all your differences on the table.  There will be some on which you can compromise; perhaps you agree to abstain from sex while living under their roof only simply out of respect for them. But in exchange for your concession here, they should agree to stay out of your sex lives once you are back under your own roof. Discuss why they will not support your marriage if you choose to marry soon, and address those reasons as you can. They may be more open to your marriage if you agree to some form of religious premaritial counseling (or heck, even non-religious) which can be a good demonstration of your commitment to one another. 

    It will not be a quick process but shouting at FMIL or drawing a line from which you refuse to budge will only end up fracturing the family. Agree with them or not, these are your fiance’s parents and your two choices are either to sever all ties, or try to find some middle ground. If you try to find some middle ground and fail, your fiance is less likely to end up resentful or bitter in the future.  You also need to work this out together with your fiance, and not have him act as the go-between, because it’s really unfair on him to put him in a position where he has to choose between the two most important women in his life.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1562 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @fishbone:  I disagree with you.  If the mother has an issue, she can bring it up with her son.  Period.  

    OP, this woman acted in a terribly inappropriate manner.  All of these issues should have been brought to your SO, not you. I feel so bad that you have to stay with her.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    You are definitely not being over sensitive. You sound like such a sweet girl. I’m sad for you that you have to deal with that lady, however, she is your SO’s mom so if you stay in a relationship with him this is just a glimpse at what is to come in the future.

    I would not advise you to “suck it up”, but to “toughen up”. I would not let her push me around if I were you next time she tries to (and she will). I would not do things just to make her happy. I would never call her Mrs. X (people only deserve respect if they earn it, not if they strong arm it). I wouldn’t call her by her first name either, but I would say “hey you”. I would put whatever I wanted in my phone and never let her look at the screen. I would tell her my sex life is not up for discussion. These are the first of many battles that I feel like you are going to have to fight against her (unfortunately).

    This is a huge issues and the success of your relationship will depend on how much your SO can work with you and be on your side. You should try having him talk to her and say he doesn’t want her treating you like that. You should also like a PP said come as a united front if that doesn’t work.  You didn’t mention anything about whether he is a momma’s boy or not. I hope he is not! Good luck and hugs!

    Post # 12
    Member
    548 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @Blue Rose:  The ONLY thing I think you might have effed up on with her is calling her by her first name.  Maybe it was how I was raised, but I still call my FI’s parents “Mr. & Mrs.” even though I get along with them quite well.  It’s just a sign of respect.  If they asked me to stop, I would.

     

    I’m really sorry.  It sounds like these people have real issues.  If I were you, I’d get you and SO out of there, staying at a hotel or something.  You shouldn’t be under that roof with her in such a hostile situation.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    His mother should have had this conversation with her son but is afraid of what that would do to their relationship. So she attacks someone to nice and young to stand up for yourself. To op I would find somewhere else to stay, if your bf wants to support you he should go with. The fact that he didn’t stand up for you and your relationship would be huge for me because she can now treat you anyway she wants! If he won’t stand up for you then you stand up for yourself and she needs to be told your sex life is not her business.I really feel for you!

    Post # 14
    Member
    2894 posts
    Sugar bee

    She overstepped, was incredibly rude, and he needs to put her in her place and stand up for you. If I were you I’d be packing right now and get to a hotel. There is no way I would stay under the same roof with a person that is that ugly. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. But I believe you need a 2nd talk with your guy, perhaps show him this, so he understands how important this is and how it was unacceptable behavior that you will not tolerate.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Lt.Columbo:  In many other situations, sure, it’s best if mother and son sort things out. But this is a questioning of the son’s entire relationship, and I think it’s really unfair on the son to put him in that position. The OP and her fiance need to address the FMIL’s concerns as a couple, united, and not as individuals.

    Post # 16
    Member
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    She should have brought these concerns with her son. What I would have done is tell her it’s none of her business, as you’re an adult. I would have then gone to a hotel until the apartment was ready.

    You’re not a child, you’re not HER child. She has no right to speak to you in that way. Again, she should have said something to her kid prior to letting you stay there if she has an issue.

    She has no right to specify when you marry or have sex. 

    The Mrs. thing, she’s entitled to if that’s how ahe feels. Though you can tell her to call you Miss Rose. That’s what I’d do. But I’m a cranky and stubborn woman 🙂

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