Am I just overthinking this?

posted 1 week ago in Elopement
Post # 2
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@kayblee3:  honestly this sounds like typical male behavior to me. when you decided to elope he probs figured that meant little work and he wouldn’t need to be super involved.my fiance has no idea who is supposed to pay for bands and i would have to explicitly pick out what i want and send him the link and tell him to pay for it and order right away (realistically im going to just buy my own band and his cuz its easier…if you want a band send him what you want or pay for it yourself) i think you need to combine finances so all the money is coming from the same place & each of you contributes the same amount of your monthly salary to the joint pot which you then use for joint expenses. i would be annoyed too as you have so much on your plate, but i do not read this as he is not interested in marrying you or anything like that. i just think he’s unintentionally not thinking about things to the extent you are – could you ask for his credit card to borrow for a few weeks to make all these final purchases, etc. so that he doesn’t have to do the work but he is paying for it (yes i know it would be great if he would do it but realistically at this point it sounds more stressful to wait for him to do so) …. i think this is just a stressful time and everything will work out … sending you hugs!

Post # 3
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

I do not think this sounds like typical male behavior. I think your fiance is being very disrespectful to you by not being more involved in the finances of your household even after you’ve told him that this is causing you stress and frustration. He knows you’re bothered by his lack of interest in sharing the wedding costs and grocery costs, but then he just says he’ll “do better” without putting in effort to actually change his behavior. That’s not okay, and you shouldn’t accept that! If he wants to marry you, he needs to show you by being a good partner to you, and that means taking your concerns seriously when you bring them up. 

(And if you want a wedding band, he needs to get you one! I find it very disrepectful that he apparently just decided he wasn’t going to get you a wedding band as a symbol of his committment to you, and apparently just wasn’t going to tell you that until YOU happened to bring it up. If you don’t want a wedding band, that’s one thing, but that should be your choice, not his.)

Post # 4
Member
13785 posts
Honey Beekeeper

This is NOT typical behavior. He sounds like a willful and self centered cheapskate to me. Don’t expect this to change after marriage. It would be dealbreaker behavior in your place. 

Post # 5
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@kayblee3:  This sounds really frustrating and hurtful. One thing I can’t tell: Are you more upset by the money aspect, or by the “mental load” aspect? If it’s just the money part, one easy solution would be to set up a joint account that you both contribute to. You each have a certain amount direct deposited from your paycheck, and then you just pay for joint expenses from that account. 

If it’s not just the money but also the fact that you are the one having to think about what needs to be paid when, that’s a bigger issue. I honestly don’t have any advice for how to get someone to pick up their share of the mental load if they just aren’t interested. …. 

Post # 6
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m sorry you’re having to handle everything. This would be frustrating to me as well because it feels like you’re doing everything with very little support (emotional or financial) from him.

It’s also concerning that the special things and happy moments you’ve had since this engagement have come from objects you have purchased alone and not from the love and support you should be getting from your fiancé every step of the way. 

I’m not suggesting you up and leave him today, but I would consider taking a step back from wedding planning to really look at how the rest of your relationship is, to have some heart to hearts, and decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. 

Post # 7
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

There’s a difference between being the person who pays for an item on the spot and where the money ultimately comes from.  I wouldn’t have a problem with paying on the spot, but I also would have sent a Venmo / Zelle/ whatever request to be repaid.  Or, get a joint card with an account you both put money into.  I can’t tell here if he’s being cheap by not paying, lazy by not selecting things, both, or neither. 

Try sending him a payment request, or setting up accounts.  If he wants to pay, he will.  It’s better to find out what the problem is BEFORE you tie the knot.   If it’s just that he thinks it’ll all be “our money” after marriage, and you’ll add each others’ names to everything, I can understand why he isn’t prioritizing shifting money from one hand to the other. 

 

Post # 8
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

I agree with most PPs, and see the 2 issues as separate, and I’m wondering if you even realize or know which is bothering you more. The money and the emotional labour are different to me. It doesnt sound like he actually has any issue with the money part. He offers to pay, buys groceries and stuff for your kids. So he’s not being a total cheapass. When you said you were getting your dress after he had already offered to pay, why didn’t you say something? It sounds like you were really wanting him to jump up and make the gesture of giving you his credit card, but you could have said “are you still buying? Do you want to come or just give me your credit card?” Instead you left it alone and let it fester. 

The emotional labour is a sticking point for me personally, as I will not put up with this in my personal life. Since you have kids, I’m guessing you’ve been “used” to being the person who takes care of everything. Your fiance has just joined in and become another child, with you planning, prepping, etc. Does he have a job? Does his boss need to tell him 30 times to get a contract done? I would imagine he wouldn’t have a job very long if that was the case! 

Post # 9
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

I feel like you guys don’t have a good system for how to pay for these joint expenses. Going item by item, keeping track of who paid for what and how much to even it out, is a lot of work. And frankly for whatever reason he is not motivated to actually pay for anything, and there seems to be a weird lack of communication on both your parts. For example you keep saying you were reminding him about the dress payment, but then left and “ended up” paying for it. How?? When the time came to pay why not call and say “Ok I’m picking up the dress, send me the 200 now.” Also not clear if you were just telling him “I’m picking up the dress” or specifically “I’m picking up the dress, it will be 200 remember.” 

That aside. You should consider having some kind of shared account for these expenses. Either a credit card that you both EQUALLY pay off at the end of the month (so if there’s 1000 in there, you each pay 500 by X date) or just a joint savings account that you each put a certain amount into every month. Then when a payment is made, you pull the money from that one joint account that both of you equally pre-paid into. 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@kayblee3:  then venmo him the money he promised for your dress & for the ring you want. be clear, direct, and take action.

Post # 12
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

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@megs229:  typical male behavior? 

Let’s not make excuses for shitty behavior.

 

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I think the problem is that your soon to be husband knows that you’re stressed out and chooses to not do anything about it. I don’t think it’s necessarily just the fact that it’s finances but the role he takes in being your partner.

Post # 14
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@sharpshooter:  LOL wasn’t aware that most men JUMP at every aspect of wedding planning (that’s one of her complaints that he was easy going when she tried to include him, guess what i think that’s pretty fucking typical – did your partner excitedly plan each aspect too?), know what wedding ring to buy a partner with zero direction, and never forget anything. I wasn’t aware he displaying “shitty behavior” by buying presents for her kids and being super easy going with every response we’ve heard her mention. I’ve made suggestions to bee – combine finances, etc. to make changes. Could he be better at helping her carry the mental load? Sure! Guess what, that is TYPICAL as FUCK. I don’t think he is displaying shitty behavior or a bad person but if everyone wants to convince OP how awful her fiance is and that she should go find someone else, be my guest. 

Post # 15
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Ummm, you are not overthinking this. 

Two things: If you sent him venmo invoices or asked for his credit card to make certain payments after you’d handled the hard parts, what would he do? 

If he wouldn’t particularly argue, it seems like you’ve got someone on your hands who doesn’t want to carry any of the mental load or perform emotional labor. That can cause an ass-ton of resentment and will likely trickle into other areas of your relationship. Tread lightly, and decide if this is something you’re willing to live with, or if it’s something the two of you need to dig into in therapy before the wedding takes place. 

If he would argue, then you’ve got a cheapskate on your hands who would rather you pay for big ticket items. Definitely examine whether this is going to work long term… disagreements about finances are a leading cause of divorce.

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