Post # 31
Things don’t have to be abusive or willfully bad to be exhausting, annoying, and thoughtless. In situations like this, it’s usually not one specific incident that’s the issue, it’s the general approach. Yes, she could have said “I’m leaving to get the dress and you said you’d pay, so please give me the money.” But the larger concern is that she shouldn’t have to constantly tell him how to behave like a considerate partner or to follow through on his promises. That’s not expecting him to read her mind, it’s expecting him to do really basic things that most reasonable person would do without being prompted.
When you have to give your partner detailed instructions on doing things thoughtful adults should think of and do independently, it sucks so much. And because these things are usually individually small, it becomes easy to think ‘I guess I’ll just do this one thing myself. I guess this isn’t worth fighting about. It’s easier to just take care of this on my own than to tell him when and how to do it and then wait for him to do it.’ But those little things add up to a lot of time and effort and money and, usually, a lot of resentment. That’s what people are objecting to.
Post # 32
I also don’t know why you don’t just directly ask him to send you money or give you cash. My husband and I don’t have any shared accounts but we’ve been sending each other money since like… a few months in. Even now, if we have a “joint” expense (for example, vaccines for the cat or a car repair), we discuss who is going to cover those costs or how they will be split. It’s usually whoever will have more. Sometimes he agrees to pay a cost and I cover it on my card, then he’ll just send me the money. We have the same credit union so it literally transfers instantly. I’m just confused because it’s sounds like you’re hinting, saying you pulled out your wallet first and kept telling him you were going to leave, but it sounds like you could have just said “hey, you said you were covering this one, right? You need to pay now” and then later “hey, can you send me the money for my dress? I need to have it on my card”. If you can’t even directly ask him about money, that is a really, really bad sign. And if you can and do ask him, and he simply won’t pay when he previously said he would, that is also really bad.
I also think you guys just need to actually discuss finances more. It does suck that you end up paying for stuff because you notice you need it and he doesn’t. I’m the one who does all our grocery shopping- he’ll do grocery pick up, go with me, or get short lists on his own, but he never initiates or keeps track of what we need. I don’t mind going it, it’s a chore I actually like and am good at, but right now he’s responsible for mostly paying for our food. So I either purchase it and ask him to send me money, or ask him to come with and have him pay. I cover our mortgage and he covers most of our other expenses, so we don’t divide everything evenly but you have to be on the same page with finances. Especially since you have kids, he may be thinking you’ll split couples costs and then you entirely cover your kids, while you’re thinking it’s 50-50. Do you receive child support?
Post # 33
Honestly it sounds like both things. To me, it DOES sound like OP needs to be way more direct with her communication with her fiance. Why is she just hinting around with this money issue? Over and over and over she’s taking this passive backseat here and getting frustrated and I just don’t get it. Just make a joint account or ask for his credit card or tell him what he owes you or SOMETHING.
But I also understand PP’s perspective. This guy KNOWS the groceries and whatnot cost money and he knows he’s not paying for them. This shit isn’t free. It’s like he’s deliberately taking advantage of the fact that OP is a bad communicator. I wouldn’t want a partner like that either. The two of them have a lot of work to do before marriage in my opinion.
Post # 34
When I was engaged, I did most of the planning but we both paid equally for it. We didn’t combine all our money the way we do now that we’re married but we did have a joint savings for wedding expenses. We put the same amount in every month and then I’d pay for everything out of that account. That way it was streamlined and simple. Maybe you can do something like that.
If he doesn’t like that idea then maybe you have a bigger problem on your hands.
Post # 35
I wouldn’t marry “clueless AF” either. I’d encourage any woman to choose a life partner carefully. Love is not always enough.
Post # 36
I brought it up with him again last night–he looked surprised and said “Is that not a ring on your finger already?” Apparently he has never heard of a wedding set.
Post # 37
I’ve hinted, and when that obviously didn’t get anywhere, I said it word for word. Which is why he told that he “didn’t know” and that he “would do better.” I’ve sent him messages, I’ve sent him emails. I’ve even CC’d on said emails to vendors/photographers–along with physically telling him and sending him text messages detailing things.
Post # 38
I guess I’m not even understanding what you mean here. Have you asked for his credit card? Have you Venmo’d him a request for money? How can he “not know” when you say “hey fiance, you owe me $100 for XYZ, can I have that now?” That is what PPs are talking about. Has that happened? Don’t let him just say he’ll “do better.” Ask for money RIGHT WHEN YOU NEED IT.
Also, I don’t let my toddler continuously say he’ll “do better” with absolutely no follow through. That’s all talk and means nothing. He has to prove it with actions. Until he proves he’s capable of being an active participant in your relationship (and I don’t just mean the wedding planning because that’s so secondary) I’d put the entire engagement on hold.
Post # 39
The whole court papers, he told me 3 times before-and once while the clerk was filing/signing them that he would pay for it. So I sat there until it was time for payment. He then just stood there–maybe it was wrong of me, but I just didn’t want to put him on the spot and so I paid for them. On our way home, I told him specifically about the whole money thing and about the price of my dress. To which again he stated that he would “help pay for it that”. So I said, “Thanks. We can pick it up next wednesday then”. So then that day rolls around–and I even reminded him the day before that hey, I’m picking up the dress again tomorrow. And goes “yay, that sounds fun”. (It wasn’t in a sarcastic way-he seemed geniunely happy about it).
When it comes to grocery shopping, I don’t mind buying the bulk of it as with my kids who eat most of it–I totally don’t mind doing it. If he needs things like cooking spray-laundry detergent(Because he’s allergic to the ones with fragerances), etc–I’ll buy it for him. I don’t mind pitching in here and there as this is a partnership. When it comes to rent, or other house bills-we both pay half of the amount. Cars/phones/insurances/gas, etc we pay for ourselves. I do get a small amount of child support a month–and I’m talking about less than 100.00 a month for two kids.
It’s frustrating because I literally send him the emails, the texts, physically tell him, etc regarding these charges in the past and he either tells me “He didn’t know” or that “he will do better in the future”. with the Photographer with our engagement photos I spoke to him every step of the way-he knew there was a date and I had paid the deposit. When that date came closer it was like this HUGE surprise about it and he caused a huge stink about it because I had paid a 75.00 deposit for them already. We wound up rescheduling. Again, me paying the rest of the money for the appointment. With this wedding photographer–I again spoke to him regarding the deposit–and he knows that we are having photos being done that day. So he knows. He also knows he’s in charge of getting the marriage license. Which again, I found out last night that he has yet to make the appointment to get that done. I know you can get the license the same day, but I just don’t like that he feels he can just put things like that off.
When he has had expenses pop up I always tell him that I’ll help him if needed–and I mean it every time. He doesn’t ask me for anything, but I obviously wouldn’t hesitate to help him if he did.
Post # 40
I tried talking to him again about it last night. He got upset because he claimed that I don’t give him any information prior to me doing it. Which I do. He also said that I “turned him down” when it came to him paying for my dress.
Post # 41
Bee, you are still being a horrible communicator lol. You didn’t want to put him on the spot, so you paid and then you raged. And then you still didn’t properly talk to him about the dress and continued to hint around! I agree with pp who said you are both at fault. You seem to think you’re communicating clearly, but I really don’t think you are. And idk this guy is dumb as a bag of rocks or maliciously obtuse, but something has got to give.
Post # 42
I think it’s time to revisit your finances. You say you pay bills jointly but there’s clearly a lot of joint expense here that’s not covered- groceries and all the wedding costs for instance.
to me it makes sense to go through your last few months of spending and identify all the things you spent money on that he also benefited from- meals, groceries, entertainment. Ask him to do the same and then compare and see what the actual numbers are. This will help you figure out how justified your feelings are. Then either you get better at taking turns or maybe he put more into the joint account to balance it out.
I also think you need to discuss the whole picture here. For instance if you were sick or out of town do your kids just go stay with someone else or would he step up and make sure they have food? If one of you loses your job does the other person support them? While my spouse have our own accounts we both consider everything “our money”. If one of us is unemployed, then the person with the paycheck is covering us both. So it’s not like the person in our house who makes less money has less money if that makes sense- we have about the same in shared expenses and fun money between us.
I think you still need a wedding budget/estimate with a list of all the expenses, and then tally it up and split it. My husband and I split all our big ticket items like the honeymoon and venue fees but we all had fun specifically paying for each other’s wedding rings and that sort of thing. It sounds like you need one to sort out your money attitudes but two you need to feel like he cares about you by literally investing in your future together
Post # 43
Its a little bit of both, but mostly the emotional factor. He knows what I have on my plate. He knows I’m putting in overtime, he knows I’m going to school full-time, he knows that I’m now dealing with attorney/court fees. He also knows that I’ve been the one scheduling things. And he’ll say he can do some of it, so I send him emails. Only for those emails to sit there in his inbox. If I ask about them, he has scroll down before he finds them again. I’ve even texted him information prior to me doing anything. He just says “Ok, i’ll help you if you need it.” So I tell, yes, I need the help. Only for it to turn into a dance of sorts with me just going ahead and doing it on my own.
Post # 44
What do you really think…
Is he lazy or disrespectful?
Neither are characteristics I would tolerate out of a potential partner. (Learned the hard way!) Highly recommend you step back and consider what you are agreeing to put up with by marrying this guy.
Post # 45
this is where I am at.
OP, this is not going to change once you get married. In fact, it will probably get worse.
I would recommend couples therapy to try to work through some of these issues. Regardless of whether you are bad at communicating your needs or he is just oblivious to the world, there is a breakdown that is happening and you should work that out now. The resentment will grow if you don’t deal with it now.