Am I just overthinking this?

posted 1 week ago in Elopement
Post # 31
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

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@ozbee:  Things don’t have to be abusive or willfully bad to be exhausting, annoying, and thoughtless. In situations like this, it’s usually not one specific incident that’s the issue, it’s the general approach. Yes, she could have said “I’m leaving to get the dress and you said you’d pay, so please give me the money.” But the larger concern is that she shouldn’t have to constantly tell him how to behave like a considerate partner or to follow through on his promises. That’s not expecting him to read her mind, it’s expecting him to do really basic things that most reasonable person would do without being prompted. 

When you have to give your partner detailed instructions on doing things thoughtful adults should think of and do independently, it sucks so much. And because these things are usually individually small, it becomes easy to think ‘I guess I’ll just do this one thing myself. I guess this isn’t worth fighting about. It’s easier to just take care of this on my own than to tell him when and how to do it and then wait for him to do it.’ But those little things add up to a lot of time and effort and money and, usually, a lot of resentment. That’s what people are objecting to. 

 

Post # 32
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I also don’t know why you don’t just directly ask him to send you money or give you cash. My husband and I don’t have any shared accounts but we’ve been sending each other money since like… a few months in. Even now, if we have a “joint” expense (for example, vaccines for the cat or a car repair), we discuss who is going to cover those costs or how they will be split. It’s usually whoever will have more. Sometimes he agrees to pay a cost and I cover it on my card, then he’ll just send me the money. We have the same credit union so it literally transfers instantly. I’m just confused because it’s sounds like you’re hinting, saying you pulled out your wallet first and kept telling him you were going to leave, but it sounds like you could have just said “hey, you said you were covering this one, right? You need to pay now” and then later “hey, can you send me the money for my dress? I need to have it on my card”. If you can’t even directly ask him about money, that is a really, really bad sign. And if you can and do ask him, and he simply won’t pay when he previously said he would, that is also really bad.

I also think you guys just need to actually discuss finances more. It does suck that you end up paying for stuff because you notice you need it and he doesn’t. I’m the one who does all our grocery shopping- he’ll do grocery pick up, go with me, or get short lists on his own, but he never initiates or keeps track of what we need. I don’t mind going it, it’s a chore I actually like and am good at, but right now he’s responsible for mostly paying for our food. So I either purchase it and ask him to send me money, or ask him to come with and have him pay. I cover our mortgage and he covers most of our other expenses, so we don’t divide everything evenly but you have to be on the same page with finances. Especially since you have kids, he may be thinking you’ll split couples costs and then you entirely cover your kids, while you’re thinking it’s 50-50. Do you receive child support?

Post # 33
Member
6958 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@megs229:  
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@weddingmaven:  Honestly it sounds like both things. To me, it DOES sound like OP needs to be way more direct with her communication with her fiance. Why is she just hinting around with this money issue? Over and over and over she’s taking this passive backseat here and getting frustrated and I just don’t get it. Just make a joint account or ask for his credit card or tell him what he owes you or SOMETHING. 

But I also understand PP’s perspective. This guy KNOWS the groceries and whatnot cost money and he knows he’s not paying for them. This shit isn’t free. It’s like he’s deliberately taking advantage of the fact that OP is a bad communicator. I wouldn’t want a partner like that either. The two of them have a lot of work to do before marriage in my opinion. 

Post # 34
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee

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@kayblee3:  When I was engaged, I did most of the planning but we both paid equally for it. We didn’t combine all our money the way we do now that we’re married but we did have a joint savings for wedding expenses. We put the same amount in every month and then I’d pay for everything out of that account. That way it was streamlined and simple. Maybe you can do something like that.  

If he doesn’t like that idea then maybe you have a bigger problem on your hands. 

Post # 35
Member
13785 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@megs229:  I wouldn’t marry “clueless AF” either. I’d encourage any woman to choose a life partner carefully. Love is not always enough. 

Post # 38
Member
6958 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@kayblee3:  I guess I’m not even understanding what you mean here. Have you asked for his credit card? Have you Venmo’d him a request for money? How can he “not know” when you say “hey fiance, you owe me $100 for XYZ, can I have that now?” That is what PPs are talking about. Has that happened? Don’t let him just say he’ll “do better.” Ask for money RIGHT WHEN YOU NEED IT. 

Also, I don’t let my toddler continuously say he’ll “do better” with absolutely no follow through. That’s all talk and means nothing. He has to prove it with actions. Until he proves he’s capable of being an active participant in your relationship (and I don’t just mean the wedding planning because that’s so secondary) I’d put the entire engagement on hold. 

Post # 41
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Bee, you are still being a horrible communicator lol. You didn’t want to put him on the spot, so you paid and then you raged. And then you still didn’t properly talk to him about the dress and continued to hint around! I agree with pp who said you are both at fault. You seem to think you’re communicating clearly, but I really don’t think you are. And idk this guy is dumb as a bag of rocks or maliciously obtuse, but something has got to give. 

Post # 42
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I think it’s time to revisit your finances. You say you pay bills jointly but there’s clearly a lot of joint expense here that’s not covered- groceries and all the wedding costs for instance. 

to me it makes sense to go through your last few months of spending and identify all the things you spent money on that he also benefited from- meals, groceries, entertainment. Ask him to do the same and then compare and see what the actual numbers are. This will help you figure out how justified your feelings are. Then either you get better at taking turns or maybe he put more into the joint account to balance it out. 

I also think you need to discuss the whole picture here. For instance if you were sick or out of town do your kids just go stay with someone else or would he step up and make sure they have food? If one of you loses your job does the other person support them? While my spouse have our own accounts we both consider everything “our money”. If one of us is unemployed, then the person with the paycheck is covering us both. So it’s not like the person in our house who makes less money has less money if that makes sense- we have about the same in shared expenses and fun money between us.

I think you still need a wedding budget/estimate with a list of all the expenses, and then tally it up and split it. My husband and I split all our big ticket items like the honeymoon and venue fees but we all had fun specifically paying for each other’s wedding rings and that sort of thing. It sounds like you need one to sort out your money attitudes but two you need to feel like he cares about you by literally investing in your future together 

Post # 44
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

What do you really think…

Is he lazy or disrespectful? 

Neither are characteristics I would tolerate out of a potential partner. (Learned the hard way!) Highly recommend you step back and consider what you are agreeing to put up with by marrying this guy. 

Post # 45
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

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@floridagirlblue:  this is where I am at.

OP, this is not going to change once you get married. In fact, it will probably get worse. 

I would recommend couples therapy to try to work through some of these issues.  Regardless of whether you are bad at communicating your needs or he is just oblivious to the world, there is a breakdown that is happening and you should work that out now. The resentment will grow if you don’t deal with it now.

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