Am I just overthinking this?

posted 5 months ago in Elopement
Post # 62
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6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@Tatum:  
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@kayblee3:  “It sounds to me like he is someone who will make offers either not intending or hoping to not have to  follow through with it”

YES that is exactly like what all these updates sound like. OP, please read these words again. Your fiance is very good at offering help and saying he’ll “do better.” But those are just words. He utterly fails at following thru. It’s like he’s not even trying. And yet, somehow, he manages to complete tasks at work. To me this would be unacceptable because it’s just disrespectful. 

Post # 63
Member
7353 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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@kayblee3:  OP – I used to have the same issue that you have when discussing finances with my SO. It was super stressful and I made up all kinds of stories about what he actually meant when he’d say or do something and usually the stories I made up were negative as well as untrue. I’d say something needed to get done, my (now) husband would say, “OK.” and to him the conversation was complete- I’d simply made an announcement and he’d acknowledged it. That’s because I wasn’t being CLEAR AND DIRECT. Now, years later, I realize how mealy mouthed and passive it is to waste time and energy hinting to a partner rather than opening your mouth and communicating clearly and unambiguously. It’s a really stupid training for women to receive and it does not serve us.

It’s annoying and it’s also unfair to everyone involved. Open your mouth and say what you need. Saying, “Okay, I’m going to go get my dress now.” is a statement of your plans. It is NOT the same as, “I’m going to pick up my dress and I need X amount of money from you for it.” That is a statement of shared responsibility and a clear request for him to do something. Saying, “Okay, I’m getting ready to pay for X thing.” is an announcement of your action. Saying, “I’m paying for X thing and I need your portion right now or do you prefer to CashApp or Venmo me the money later today?” is completely different and lets him know that he has something to do as part of the action you are taking.

Stop hinting. You are a grown ass woman. You have brought children into the world and kept them alive. You deal with courts and bills and all manner of nervewracking bullshit related to adulting. You can speak up and be direct with the person with whom you share your life, your bed and your body. It may be uncomfortable initially, but it’s much better to learn to overcome the discomfort than to be a grown woman tiptoeing and hinting about money like you have no power here. Tiptoeing around financial conversations rather than being clear and direct about our needs and desires is how women end up old and living in poverty and with no financial safety net to support us in our retirement. Cut it out.

ETA – This may also be a matter of your SO being a crap communicator as well, where he likes to make offers to help you with things because it makes him sound generous and supportive (but he conveniently does not follow through because you haven’t made that a boundary that you enforce). If that is the case, then he needs to cut the bullshit, too. Being a big talker with no follow through is as frustrating and annoying as being an adult hinting at needs rather than communicating clearly.

I absolutely agree with everyone saying that you need to get this worked out in advance. It’s not magically going to be different just because you get married. If anything, it will get worse because you will be even more angry that your husband isn’t following through in the way you believe he should.

Post # 64
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2 posts
Wannabee

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@kayblee3:  I’ve been in a relationship where my SO didn’t care enough about what was affecting me and it broke me. It showed in every aspect of our life. I finally ended it 2 years ago, not because of cheating but because he just didnt care. Now I’m with a man that even if he doesn’t know how to help me on the spot he learns and presents a solution. He is my partner and if I’m not strong by myself he fills in the gaps. He never lets it get to the point where I’m overwhelmed. He’s a decorated veteran so weddings aren’t his forte lol but he puts my needs front and center without me asking him to. 

You have to decide what type of man you want to be with for the rest of your life.

They both were the exact same when I met them, so there was no surprise when 5 years later and guy #1 was doing the same thing and my soon to be husband is the same he’s always been. So I’m sure your fiancé has always been like this. You have to either accept who he is as a man or move on. We can’t change men but only give them insight on how we like to be loved and cared for. 

I hope everything works out but if this man isn’t loving you how you need to be loved then what’s the point of making this a lifetime thing? 

Post # 65
Member
3117 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry but it’s a red flag to me that this guy is apparntly capable of functioning like an adult at work (ie, making deadlines, following up on things he said he’d do) but manages to have his brain fall out his ears when he’s home and he manages to forget commitments he’s made to you (ie, paying for things) and skips out on adulting and making decisions because it’s just too gosh-darn-hard for his poor widdle manbrain that can’t keep track of details.

Yes, you could communicate better/more clearly, but I also think you shouldn’t have to ask your partner to do basic things.  The mental load is not lightened if you have to repeatedly give your partner a too-do list and step them through how to adult.  So I’m not going to blame you for not communicating clearly.  It’s also demeaning to have to repeatedly ask someone for money… 

The indicdent at the courthouse where, if I understood you, he promised to pay the costs less than 5 minutes before it was time to pay, then suddnly his brain fell out of his head and you wound up having to reach for your wallet?  Yeah.  That’s not an issue of you not communicating clearly. It sounds more like an issue of him making false promises.

Post # 67
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe it’s just me, but this idea of a guy having no clue that it’s common for a wife to have an e-ring and a wedding ring sounds ludricous. My mom didn’t ever have an e-ring but I certainly understood what they were. I get that guys don’t care much about jewelry most of the time, but come on. 

Post # 69
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

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@kayblee3:  I know there’s been a lot of discussion about whether or not you’re to blame for some of this because you’ve been unclear or unassertive. With any of these relationship questions, we all have to keep in mind we are only hearing one side, BUT from what you’ve said there’s no way he is unaware of what you are asking for or that he’s offered and backed away. I know you are locked in with him right now and he’s probably helping with your children, but please don’t settle just because of that. Things just shouldn’t be this hard. Don’t make the mistake of moving this marriage along with the issues you are having. Sending you hugs, Bee. 

Post # 70
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@floridagirlblue:  i promise you i have worked in sales selling engagement rings and wedding bands to incredibly smart and professional men in SF and many of them had NO IDEA they had to do wedding bands too. blank looks when i ask if their gf would be ok with gap between ER and WB because they are looking at a low profile ER and they’re like wait do i pick out the band or does she? do i pay for that too? i hadn’t budgeted for that etc etc…i totally believe that he had no idea…with that being said he should have immediately offered to buy one for her and if he didnt thats a problem

Post # 71
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1378 posts
Bumble bee

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@megs229:  not saying you’re lying! More expressing that it is insane that they can be so obtuse!

Post # 72
Member
3117 posts
Sugar bee

Right? Have they never beeen to a wedding or watched a movie/tv show with a wedding?  

Post # 75
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@kayblee3:  got you!! i would assume the best but follow up. i would personally say “just wanted to follow up from earlier about wedding bands. it would mean a lot to me if you purchased one for me as it symbolizes  [insert whatever it means to you – “everlasting commitment”  etc] which is really beautiful to me. i just sent you an email with links to 3 rings i like, feel free to pick the one you like best. (or tell him what you like/want/don’t like) or it could be really fun for us to make an appointment and make a date out of it! please let me know if you do not plan to do this or set up an apt as i will purchase my own wedding band, in which case i will be disappointed and thinking deeply about if i want to go through with this marriage. the ball is in your court and i would like to see you follow through on this, it means a lot to me and i know you want to make me happy and be a great partner and this is one way you can” 

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