(Closed) Am I justified in feeling hurt?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Are you both seeing the therapist? It would be good to hash it out there

Post # 3
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you are justified, but at the same time, I think after cooling off, you both need to work on your communication. It’s not healthy to just snap at you like that, but at the same time it’s not okay to let issues fester by ignoring them and just laying next to one another watching TV. Rather than pointing at him and saying all the things he does that you don’t agree with (his attitude), try giving him a new perspective of things by telling him how YOU feel and WHY you feel that way. I would talk about this with your therapist to see if she can come up with ways to help talk to one another.

Post # 4
895 posts
Busy bee

Totally justified in feeling hurt. Did he explain this morning why he bit your head off?

Post # 6
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

To be harsh, I think he should stay on that couch until you move out. I don’t think you’re even really mad about the TV thing…you’re parenting both him and his kid and you’re getting burned out. I know this is a vent post and doesn’t include all the good times, but it sounds like you’re the one carrying everyone through when shit gets hard, and that he’s not doing much of the ‘working’ on those issues. I certainly wouldn’t be busting my ass–let alone taking on legal fees–for someone I considered myself ‘touch and go’ with. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  Speck_.
Post # 7
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh I hope you’re planning for a long engagement. It sounds like you’d be entering a financial morass if you marry him. To add to that, you say you’re on and off and you have taken over his debt management – while he is “underemployed” and presumably has more time. On the whole, not very promising, and the remark about the tv is the least of it.

Post # 8
895 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
lolita1027:  I have to agree with Speck it seems you are putting in a whole lot of work in this relationship and you arent getting a whole in return.  Sounds like you are carrying a heavy load. You are carrying a financial load, an emotional burden of dealing with him and issues related to child support and child custody issues. I think I read one of your previous post and if I remember correctly the mother of this child is using the child as a weapon against you both.

Horrible situation and one that is likely not going to get better. Sounds like you are trying to be the adult in this situation and instead of having a partner who is adulting with you, you have another child to parent along with his child.

I think you are justified. I would seriously consider that if he doesnt get a backbone and work toward treating you better when you have stood by him through all the issues with his ex you might consider moving on. 

Post # 10
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He certainly did not need to bite your head off. If he didn’t want you to watch TV he could have responded with a “you know what, hun, I really need to sleep tonight–can you watch in the other room?” 

You are both under a lot of pressure and you are taking on a lot in a rather shitty situation. What action is he taking? Has he looked for a side job? Is he also in therapy? Does he thank you for all you are doing?

Post # 12
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
lolita1027:  you’re justified and I think his “you’re f*cking rude!” comment was definitely pushing it. However, just playing devil’s advocate here, did you communicate with him how late you would be coming home? If DH and I are in a fight and one of us needs to cool off – great, please do that! But if we storm off, meet up with friends to have dinner without checking in with the other’s plans for dinner first, come home 2 hours later, then saunter in like nothing happened and ask to put the tv on while the other is sleeping (without so much as an apology for the argument or an attempt to resolve anything)……… yeah. I’d be pretty pissed if I were him.

But with this and all of your other posts, I really think it’s time to give up on this relationship.

Post # 13
4501 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I do think that if someone is lying in a dark room it probably isn’t the time to come in and want to put the TV on. I would have gone in, given him a cuddle and went into another room with a TV if that was my intent.

In your post I saw how you were telling us all the great things you are doing for him, but not a whole lot of empathy for the stress of the situation FOR him. You say you have been in over your head standing by him whilst he navigates  tricky child custody/ support issues- the point here is that this is his  stress, so if you are feeling vicarious trauma from the whole situation then imagine how bad he is feeling, after all this is his child!

The financial stuff I confess I don’t like for you. Is there a reason why he is underemployed? What steps is he taking to rectify this? I have no issue with a woman earning more than a man at all, but if he isn’t working full time and could be then that could take a lot of weight off you both. Perhaps some of his snippy-ness is the result of his pride being hurt due to relying on you so heavily? Just a thought.



Post # 14
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
lolita1027:  You say he was feeling pretty bummed after the lawyer’s visit (can’t blame him for that). You went for a drive to get some space (can’t blame you for that either) to unwind and ended up having dinner with a friend. During this time he was presumably at home stewing- over the lawyer’s visit and all it entailed, over the messy situation with his ex, over the payments the two of you now have for legal fees, the guilt he feels at imposing this burden on your, the discouragement he feels at being under-employed, and possibly some self-pity that you weren’ there to make him feel better. So I think he was feeling down and upset and lashed out at you over something trivial, I’m not saying that’s okay, just that’s what I think it is.

It already sounds like you’re doing a lot for him. I hope he’s doing his own best to improve the situation (like finding better employment, continuing to see a therapist, following through with legal appointments and advice). But if you’ve taken on a nurturing role that can be not just supportive but motherly at times, you need to make sure you’re taking time for yourself as well. And besides being ‘good old dependable’ Lolita- don’t let all of this wear you guys down to the point where you forget to find fun in life. Plan- with his help, you’re doing more than your share already- a few fun and inexpensive things- like a romantic night when it’s just the two of you, this can be as simple as dim lights, candles and slow dancing in your living room, and a family style outing with his daughter (if it’s too cold for a picnic outdoors where you are, plan an indoor picnic, check out the local Y or community center for inexpensive family-geared events). It’s great that you’re helping him naviagate through all of this, but you both need a stress break from lawyers, finances etc even just for a day or evening.

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