Post # 1
Disclaimer: The argument I am posting about was completely stupid. I am just interested to see if bees think I was being rude or if I am justified, because I feel justified but Fiance thinks I was a brat.
Fiance and I have a lot of issues we are “working through.” The relationship, as it stands, is pretty touch and go right now. I have been in over my head, trying to help him/stand by him while he navigates some pretty tricky child support and custody drama with his kid’s mother, also he is underemployed at the moment and is currently pulling himself out of quite the financial hole. I am just good old dependable Lolita, working my steady job, keeping up with the bills and household, and being a decent role model for his kid as best I can (while his ex masterminds her grande plan to destroy us, in a dark basement somewhere with her witch attire and cauldron).
I recently found him a really good new attorney (networking through my job) and negotiated a pretty decent payment plan with said attorney, in an attempt to help him with his family court issues. I feel like I have done nothing but try, and although he thanks me, to an extent, I would like it if he eliminated the snippy “poor me” attitude and was a little sweeter to me. And I would also like if he wanted sex more often, but I will save that for another post.
Last night’s argument is a (lame) example of why I feel unappreciated:
After meeting with the lawyer together, we were both pretty bummed (although we have a payment plan… it is bloody expensive!) I was majorly stressed about money so instead of being moody around him I decided to go for a drive and do something else until I cooled off (therapists suggestion — walk away when angry!) Anyway, I met a friend for a bite to eat and about 2 hours later returned home. He was laying in bed in the dark (it was relatively early… not his normal bed time) and I got in bed and asked if I could unwind with some TV for a half hour. He shot up and completely bit my head off! “No! Go in the other room! Can’t you see I am asleep?! You’re f*cking rude!” and got up and stormed away to go sleep on the couch like a pissed off toddler.
I couldn’t help but feel downright mad and hurt. Even today. I keep ruminating about the way he stormed off. I feel like lately I am doing so much for him and he can’t even bend a little and let me watch some TV in my bed? I recognize this sounds completely stupid…. but… am I at all justified for feeling hurt about that outburst?
Post # 2
Are you both seeing the therapist? It would be good to hash it out there
Post # 3
I think you are justified, but at the same time, I think after cooling off, you both need to work on your communication. It’s not healthy to just snap at you like that, but at the same time it’s not okay to let issues fester by ignoring them and just laying next to one another watching TV. Rather than pointing at him and saying all the things he does that you don’t agree with (his attitude), try giving him a new perspective of things by telling him how YOU feel and WHY you feel that way. I would talk about this with your therapist to see if she can come up with ways to help talk to one another.
Post # 4
Totally justified in feeling hurt. Did he explain this morning why he bit your head off?
Post # 5
Mrs.MilitaryBee: He barely said 2 words to me on my way out the door. It was as if he was mad at ME.
Post # 6
To be harsh, I think he should stay on that couch until you move out. I don’t think you’re even really mad about the TV thing…you’re parenting both him and his kid and you’re getting burned out. I know this is a vent post and doesn’t include all the good times, but it sounds like you’re the one carrying everyone through when shit gets hard, and that he’s not doing much of the ‘working’ on those issues. I certainly wouldn’t be busting my ass–let alone taking on legal fees–for someone I considered myself ‘touch and go’ with.
Post # 7
Oh I hope you’re planning for a long engagement. It sounds like you’d be entering a financial morass if you marry him. To add to that, you say you’re on and off and you have taken over his debt management – while he is “underemployed” and presumably has more time. On the whole, not very promising, and the remark about the tv is the least of it.
Post # 8
lolita1027: I have to agree with Speck it seems you are putting in a whole lot of work in this relationship and you arent getting a whole in return. Sounds like you are carrying a heavy load. You are carrying a financial load, an emotional burden of dealing with him and issues related to child support and child custody issues. I think I read one of your previous post and if I remember correctly the mother of this child is using the child as a weapon against you both.
Horrible situation and one that is likely not going to get better. Sounds like you are trying to be the adult in this situation and instead of having a partner who is adulting with you, you have another child to parent along with his child.
I think you are justified. I would seriously consider that if he doesnt get a backbone and work toward treating you better when you have stood by him through all the issues with his ex you might consider moving on.
Post # 9
Mrs.MilitaryBee: Yeah, it is almost like parenting a man child… that is how I feel a lot. I feel bad because I don’t post about the good stuff and there is good stuff….
the surpise bday dinner he planned….
when I slipped and fell on ice recently…and he saw through the window….. the panic on his face and the way he ran to my rescue and scooped me up into his arms….
the cute way he interacts with his daughter…. when I overhear them having conversations I melt….
I mean, I love him. That love is just so heavily polluted right now with drama/money troubles that I can’t seem to think about much else. I am so sad.
Post # 10
He certainly did not need to bite your head off. If he didn’t want you to watch TV he could have responded with a “you know what, hun, I really need to sleep tonight–can you watch in the other room?”
You are both under a lot of pressure and you are taking on a lot in a rather shitty situation. What action is he taking? Has he looked for a side job? Is he also in therapy? Does he thank you for all you are doing?
Post # 11
beethree: He picked up some side work but all of that money goes to his wonderful family court fees aka drama fees! It bothers me because we don’t see the fruit of any of that labor.
He is in therapy with me. We just started recently.
Post # 12
lolita1027: you’re justified and I think his “you’re f*cking rude!” comment was definitely pushing it. However, just playing devil’s advocate here, did you communicate with him how late you would be coming home? If Darling Husband and I are in a fight and one of us needs to cool off – great, please do that! But if we storm off, meet up with friends to have dinner without checking in with the other’s plans for dinner first, come home 2 hours later, then saunter in like nothing happened and ask to put the tv on while the other is sleeping (without so much as an apology for the argument or an attempt to resolve anything)……… yeah. I’d be pretty pissed if I were him.
But with this and all of your other posts, I really think it’s time to give up on this relationship.
Post # 13
I do think that if someone is lying in a dark room it probably isn’t the time to come in and want to put the TV on. I would have gone in, given him a cuddle and went into another room with a TV if that was my intent.
In your post I saw how you were telling us all the great things you are doing for him, but not a whole lot of empathy for the stress of the situation FOR him. You say you have been in over your head standing by him whilst he navigates tricky child custody/ support issues- the point here is that this is his stress, so if you are feeling vicarious trauma from the whole situation then imagine how bad he is feeling, after all this is his child!
The financial stuff I confess I don’t like for you. Is there a reason why he is underemployed? What steps is he taking to rectify this? I have no issue with a woman earning more than a man at all, but if he isn’t working full time and could be then that could take a lot of weight off you both. Perhaps some of his snippy-ness is the result of his pride being hurt due to relying on you so heavily? Just a thought.
Post # 14
lolita1027: You say he was feeling pretty bummed after the lawyer’s visit (can’t blame him for that). You went for a drive to get some space (can’t blame you for that either) to unwind and ended up having dinner with a friend. During this time he was presumably at home stewing- over the lawyer’s visit and all it entailed, over the messy situation with his ex, over the payments the two of you now have for legal fees, the guilt he feels at imposing this burden on your, the discouragement he feels at being under-employed, and possibly some self-pity that you weren’ there to make him feel better. So I think he was feeling down and upset and lashed out at you over something trivial, I’m not saying that’s okay, just that’s what I think it is.
It already sounds like you’re doing a lot for him. I hope he’s doing his own best to improve the situation (like finding better employment, continuing to see a therapist, following through with legal appointments and advice). But if you’ve taken on a nurturing role that can be not just supportive but motherly at times, you need to make sure you’re taking time for yourself as well. And besides being ‘good old dependable’ Lolita- don’t let all of this wear you guys down to the point where you forget to find fun in life. Plan- with his help, you’re doing more than your share already- a few fun and inexpensive things- like a romantic night when it’s just the two of you, this can be as simple as dim lights, candles and slow dancing in your living room, and a family style outing with his daughter (if it’s too cold for a picnic outdoors where you are, plan an indoor picnic, check out the local Y or community center for inexpensive family-geared events). It’s great that you’re helping him naviagate through all of this, but you both need a stress break from lawyers, finances etc even just for a day or evening.
Post # 15
RobbieAndJuliahaha: Thank you. We do need a break. It is all business, no play, all of the time. We are both pretty much having breakdowns.
I am feeling like I do everything. Truthfully I feel like his forgetful and haphazard ways with the ex, the court, his former attorneys… landed him in this situation. He was totally Mr. take the easy way out for a long time, and I admit I resent that. Now that taking the easy way out blew up in his face, he wants to man up and do the right thing… during our engagement, when, admittedly, I wish we were wedding planning and being happy and not worrying about this stuff. His past is screwing up my present. I don’t care if it sounds selfish, I know it does. It is how I feel.
I just need a tropical vacation. I really do. For like a month. Maybe 2 months.