Post # 1
My cousin is getting married next Sunday, and last week she showed her sister and I (who are Maid/Matron of Honor and a BM) a rough draft of her programs. In them, she has a “In Loving Memory Of..” section. Of course this includes our grandparents, and the groom’s grandparents, and the MOH’s ex-boyfriend who passed away tragically 3 years ago. Here’s where my disappointment comes in: My father passed away 7 years ago, and aside from our grandparents, he was the only immediate family member to pass on. Well, I noticed that she did not include him on the program. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially since next to my cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s name, he’s listed as “friend”. She couldn’t include my dad as “Uncle of the Bride”? Granted, he was her uncle by marriage, but I know they loved each other and he’d be thrilled to know that she is marrying a wonderfuly guy. Also, my mom is her Godmother! If anything, I feel she should have listed his name in honor of my mother, let alone for me as a bridesmaid.
I don’t know if I’m just being overly emotional, but it really bothered me. I told my boyfriend, and he said I’m 100% right to feel the way I do, and I should say something. Easier said than done! I’d feel so awkward and I really don’t want to add more stress onto her. I kinda feel like just letting it go, but I don’t know. Any advice?
Post # 3
Honestly she just may have forgotten!
I would gently bring it up! I am sure she will be honoured to add him!
Post # 4
I would be upset if I were you as well, but I don’t think it is fair to be mad at her – she likely genuinely forgot. I think she probably has so much else going on at the moment, that it was overlooked. I would just mention it to her, since it was just the rough draft and there is time to update it before she prints them. I wouldn’t think she would get upset or offended at that suggestion at all! Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
I would make a nice “in memory of” tribute as your wedding and don’t worry so much about hers. I would prob be offended too, but try not to let it upset you too much. Maybe she felt it wasn’t right to meniton him when she knew you were gettign married soon after? Also,this gives you the chance to really pay tribute! My fiance’s father passed away and we’re doing a chair in the front row with a small bouquet of white lilies on it. They were his father’s favorite.
Post # 6
Maybe suggest it? She probably forgot and will be happy you reminded her.
Post # 7
Okay, please don’t think I am discounting your feelings at all. I feel for you and I am sorry you are hurt over this.
I will say this, as a bride trying very hard to plan a wedding for 150-175 people…it is hard to consider everyone’s feelings about every single detail. I am sure they loved one another as you stated, but no one knows what kind of relationship they had except her and him. Maybe she forgot due to all the deadlines she is under right now, or maybe she didn’t want to include him for another reason.
Since it was your father, you have a right to have feelings about the situation. However, it isn’t your wedding and I am sure she isn’t specifically thinking about your feelings right now. I know it sounds insensitive, but I am just speaking from the bride-side of things. It is so hard to try to make everyone happy and think of everyone else with every decision. SUPER HARD!
Post # 8
Thank you for your honest opinions! There is a big chance that she did just forget, and in that case I definitely don’t want to bring it up. I know my cousin very well, and she is sensitive. If I mentioned it to her, and she truly forgot to include my dad’s name, I know it would kill her. As I said, with all the other stress she has going on with this wedding, that’s the last thing I want to do to her.
@AlmostVangor-I’m actually not getting married soon, but I had to smirk when I read that in a “does this girl know something I don’t know?” way. lol I do love the idea of the empty chair with a bouquet of flowers!
Post # 9
It was probably an oversight. Just tell her; I’m sure she’ll want to add him.
Post # 10
I am sorry to hear about your father. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I think your feelings are totally legitimate. And good news!! It’s only the rough draft! I would let her know it bothered you, but definitely do it soon before she goes and copies all of the programs.
Post # 11
First I want to point out that immediate family is you, your siblings and your parents. That’s all. I know many families are close with cousins and aunts and uncles, but that’s technically your extended family and in some situations, listing all extended family members who have passed can be a bit excessive. It definitely is in mine, so I hope all of my cousins are understanding when my program (if i have one) does not include their parents. Seriously. I’m just putting that out there, but I’d have to include an aunt, an uncle, all of my grandparents and both of Mr. Artichokey’s grandfathers. I actually think we won’t do that portion at all because there are just too many that could be included. It would be different if we were doing a church wedding in which case I think my mother would insist on the grandparents and flowers/candles.
I understand why you feel upset and maybe she really did honetly just overlook this detail. On the other hand, maybe she simply decided not to include him. I don’t want to be harsh at all, but seven years is quite a bit of time and she may simply have moved on, you know? I don’t think she’s trying to be mean or anything, but the truth is that no matter how well they got along, her relationship with your dad was not the same as yours was and although she may have loved him, he simply may not mean *that* much to her anymore. I know it sounds awful and it makes me sad personally to think that to most of my cousins, my grandparents’ passing no longer affects them, but it’s a reality of life.
You can certainly ask her to include him. And maybe she really did overlook this. On the other hand, be prepared for a response like, “oh, I didn’t think I needed to include him since he’s not actually related to me.” Just in case. These things happen.
Post # 12
@sapphirestar: Glad to know she is as you have described her. I am sure she just forgot then. Gently mention it to her and all is solved then.
Post # 13
I honestly think she probably just forgot and you should bring it up 🙂
When i did mine i was typing up my programs and my Mother-In-Law comes behind me and says “what about “Rebecca”” (its the baby she lost after birth between my husband and his brother) I WAS SO SAD I had forgotten (and a little angry that Husband hadnt reminded me…as obviosly he thinks about that alot more then i would). We put the name in and my Mother-In-Law lit a little candle at the ceremony. ANYWAYS a little off track…but basically if your dad wasnt running through her head all the time pre wedding there is just a really good chance it has slipped her mind.
You have a right to feel upset but you should clarify the situation first 🙂
Post # 14
Oh gosh. You’re totally justified. Whether you bring it up is up to you, but I’m sorry that you got hit with this emotional ton of bricks.
Post # 15
If she included her friend, i am sure it must have slipped her mind. Sounds like she doesn’t mean to upset you so gently mention how your dad would have enjoyed seeing her so happy and..tell her honestly. She might have had a cut off years passed at 5 and didn’t realized your dad was inadvertly left out.
Post # 16
I’ve decided not to bring it up. My dad is forever in my heart and on my mind, but I completely understand if he is not on everyone else’s all the time. With that said, I think the argument of him not being on there because he was only related her by marriage would be more valid if she had just stuck with putting the grandparents names, and not our friend/MOH’s ex. We all miss our friend dearly, and yes, 3 years is not as long as 7, but in my heart both still sting as if they happened yesterday. I guess I just feel like if she thought of him, she could have thought of my father. It’s one more name, not five.
It’s just something that hurt me at the time. Will I hold it against her? No, absolutely not. That’s just not me.