Am I looking too much into my boyfriend's response about getting engaged?

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

What matters is whether YOU’RE okay with this timeline, not whether the rest of us would be.  Think about it. If you’re okay with dating until 2022, fine. If you’d be wracked with anxiety/ resentment in October 2022, then let him know that timeline isn’t going to work for you.  

You should also find out what he’s not “ready” for right now. What does he need to do/ have/ feel that he doesn’t do/ have/ feel right now?  Get into the details and the nitty gritty.  Don’t wait around thinking things will settle by 3 years from now. 

 

Post # 3
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you’re both in your mid twenties and are still getting to know each other. You moved in together pretty quickly for your ages at the year mark. 

It sounds like hes not sure he wants to marry you at this point and that’s why he’s given a far out timeline. He could be telling you the end of 2022 hoping he will be sure about you and will be ready to marry you by the timeline you’ve discussed. 

I think you should come up with a hard deadline in your head of the absolute latest you would be willing to wait and give him til then to propose.

Until then, DO NOT move with him and do not get a dog anytime soon. Do not further intertwine your lives without any kind of commitment. Especially do not buy property with him.

It’s already been a year and a half. If I calculate correctly, he’s saying he won’t be ready to marry you til 4.5 years in? I wouldn’t accept that at your age 

He just doesn’t need that much time if he truly does want to marry you. And you mention nothing about his reasons for wanting to wait that long such as finances 

Post # 4
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

It sounds like you are both around 25 years old based on your post, and most 25 year old guys aren’t really ready for marriage. By 2022 you would have been together for around 3.5 years which sounds like a pretty typical timeline for engagement where I’m from.

During your discussions did you ask your boyfriend about what needs to happen for him to be “ready”, e.g. are there financial/life/career goals he needs to acheive first vs being unsure of marrying you specifically? Are you worried because you feel you absolutely can’t wait until 2022 to get engaged/married or because you’re anxious that he doesn’t ever want to get married and is just pushing off the timeline so that he doesn’t have to deal with it until later in the future?

Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee

Also that timeline would cut it close for when you agreed to start TTC

Post # 6
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Like the others have said, what specifically has made him pick this arbitrary time where he assumes he’ll be ready? Is there something he wants to accomplish first, like a promotion or degree? A big trip? Or, is that simply how long he thinks it’ll take to feel confident that marrying you is the right call? 

I’d personally be a bit nervous if it was the latter. My husband and I certainly didn’t rush…we got married after almost 4 years of dating, and we were older (30 and 40), so it’s not that I think 3.5 years is someone dragging their feet. At 1.5 years in, and 6 months of living together in your mid-twenties, you know if you can see yourself marrying someone or not. That’s not to say that you have to rush out and do it right away, but 99.9% of the time, you know. 

Post # 7
Member
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So he needs as much as another three years before he’ll be sure he’s even ready to propose? If you are genuinely okay with that, great. If you are not then you need to be honest about it. 

Echoing PPs, what has to get checked off the list before he’s ready?

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I definitely feel better after your update. 23 is young, and it sounds like he has tangible things he wants to accomplish before marriage, which makes sense, versus just buying time to see if he’s ready. It’s totally possible to know that someone is the right one but not want to get married quite yet.

Post # 12
Member
2996 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

elphy94 :  would not work for me. You want a husband and kids but you’ve taken yourself off the market by moving in with him.  Clearly he is not sure he’s ever going to marry you.  He’s *hoping* he’ll be interested/ ready to marry you in several years but his lack of commitment now only says “maybe” or “maybe not” and only then in the far off future… 

 25+ is not too young to make a commitment, nor is a year and a half in. When you know,  you know (as you do)but  clearly he does *not* know! Personally I’m not comfortable in “limbo -land” so this would not work for me. I would have continued to live independently and date until he was on the same page.  Set  a walk date for yourself,  don’t wait around years and years for a maybe…

 

Post # 14
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If he’s only 23 then no wonder he is not ready. Not to say 23 year olds are never ready for marriage, but plenty–and dare I say the majority–are not, and this one clearly isn’t. A lot can happen in 3 years, especially when you’re only 23.  

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