Am I looking too much into my boyfriend's response about getting engaged?

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 32
1294 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, you should read this thread. The OP has been waiting 7 years for someone who keeps putting off marriage, even though he talked about it all the time. This is a reality. We see it all the time here. 

(ETA: I’m sure if you read some of the responses, you’ll notice the cautious optimism for your situation, coupled with keeping your eyes wide open. She was you 5 years ago and would likely have gotten the same responses then. You need to have a solid idea of what’s acceptable for you so you don’t end up wasting your time, especially with your timeline for TTC.) 

Post # 34
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think sometimes, young guys just aren’t ready because they aren’t ready. I got married at 25, husband was just turned 28, after 7 years together. Aka my husband wasn’t ready until 27/just over 6 years. My cousin is married to a younger man (now 29 and he’s 27), they were together about 4 years before a 2 year engagement. For some reason I come from a family where very long term relationships are common before marriage, like a cousin who got married after only 2 years seemed lightning fast despite them being in their 30’s haha. Clearly, based on the boards here, lots of men do just lead women on for ages, but I guess I just don’t always think that is the case, and a 23 year old might legitimately not be ready for marriage, even if he is sure about you. 

Post # 36
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I’d say table this whole engagement discussion until the end of 2020 and take his temperature on the subject then.  You’re both young and will change a lot in the next few years. Enjoy a relationship that you are happy in but avoid entangling yourselves financially with houses, bills, mortgages, kids etc. see how you feel at the end of 2020.  You have time to see where this goes.  He may not be ready when you are.  Be prepared that with a guy this young that might happen.  Decide each year how you feel about continuing to wait.  Men will sometimes say whatever necessary to keep the status quo.

Post # 37
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

elphy94 :  

Ok, Bee, you win.

Every time a Bee posts about a concern, instead of a thoughtful response, you present a pile of excuses and explanations for your bf; or compare us to the much smarter people over on Reddit.

Can you please clarify what it is you want from us, Bee?

I will say that he *just* turned 23 last week. Girls and women mature faster than boys and men.  It’s just biology.

You were also each others’ firsts. A lifetime is a long time to live without ever experiencing other people, especially for the male of the species who is programmed to seek *new*.  That’s not to say it can’t work out.  Just be conscious that you have some big obstacles to overcome.

Post # 39
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

He is so young. You still are, too. Yay! That said, you two seem happy and as long as you abide by your timeline, you won’t end up -totally- screwed should something go amiss. I say this as someone who spent 70% of her 20’s with the wrong person – buying TVs, getting a dog, and even getting engaged. Just know that many people change immensely in that decade. I’m so happy that we didn’t commit early on, even though we had all the talks and whatnot. It all led me to where I am today, which is a blessing! 

I say just continue your relationship as it is and forget about committing for now. See how you two grow.

Post # 40
725 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’ll be blunt.

You’re clearly here for validation rather than constructive advice. Your responses make that crystal clear. 

23 is young. 25 is young. People change in their 20’s. You’re each others firsts. Your head is in the clouds. Your bf is giving you a very general timeline, but you’re acting as if he’s promising to marry you after a certain number of years. You’re looking for every detail under the sun to confirm why he’s the one and done.

For him to say a proposal that may or may not come in the far future is a “surprise” is both asinine and immature. He doesn’t get to unilaterally dictate your own future. 

Making big purchases together, living together, all that means nothing. Waiting to be ready for sex is not the same as waiting to be ready for marriage. There are lots of women on these boards who buy a house with a man, thinking engagement is the next logical step, and they find themselves stuck with a 30 year mortgage with a man who won’t marry them. Talking about marriage and kids mean nothing. Look at all the bees here whose bf’s have openly talked about marriage and kids, even calling their gf “wife” but they won’t get a marriage license.

Stay in this relationship if it makes you happy. I don’t think he’s actively stringing you along. I think the problem is you. You’re only hearing what you want to hear, and dreaming of a future that may not come into fruition. When you live life, you should always be prepared for the possibilities. 

Post # 42
725 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

elphy94 :  you ask if you’re looking too into your bf’s responses about marriage. Every time someone says yes, or tries to caution you to keep your eyes open, you respond (repetitively) about how your bf is not like other guys, how he’s committed, how he’s better, how he’s different. It’s almost as if you have to have the last word to polish the pedestal on which you put your bf.

That tells me you’re only here to listen to what you want to hear.

Enjoy this relationship. Grow as a couple and as individuals. But don’t assume that your bf is going to be the same person as he is now when he’s ready to marry. Don’t assume that he wants to marry you, or at all. Your boyfriend may have good qualities that are marriage material, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to marry you, or at all, or within a timeline with which you are comfortable. 

If you truly had zero questions about whether your boyfriend wants to marry you within 4 years, would you be spending your time asking friends and two different Internet forums? You are very mildly obsessed with this. 

Post # 43
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You’re already living together. Engagement should be like very soon. Otherwise, you’re being taken for a test drive. If he knows he wants to marry you then there’s no need to wait beyond like 6? Or so months from whenever you moved in. Like what’s he waiting for unless he’s unsure, you know?

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