Am I looking too much into my boyfriend's response about getting engaged?

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee

elphy94 :  I don’t understand what you’re asking for. You came here for advice asking if you should be concerned and you clearly weren’t happy with the timeline in your OP which quickly changed after some PPs responses and you apparently have an answer for everything. so what’s the problem then? Wait for 2022 then If that makes you happy.

I know I’d never wait that long but that’s just me and I got the sense you weren’t happy to wait that long 

Post # 64
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee

Great. Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out then. Best of luck 

Post # 65
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee

elphy94 :  I think the long vs. short engagement question will depend on what sort of wedding you want. The reason many people take/need a year to plan a wedding is that popular venues, photographers, caterers, etc. oftentimes book up. Sometimes well over a year in advance. There was only one Saturday left in December 2020 when I booked my venue a month ago, for instance. Just something to keep in mind when you and your boyfriend discuss this next. A year (give or take) is a common amount of time for engagement, as it’s a comfortable window to plan. 

Post # 67
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee

Wedding bee pulls from a broader demographic and it’s one of the things I find interesting — the cultural divide. I think what is “wise” in dating is often cultural. Because part of it is maintaining boundaries, but what boundaries should be maintained are social. If you live in a community where most people get engaged before living together, then agreeing to live together before marriage might be ceding a boundary. If you live in a community where nearly everyone lives together before getting engaged, then it’s probably not seen as a boundary. 

I think moving in together is seen as “not a particularly big deal, and pretty normal after 1 year” in places like New York City or San Francisco where sharing the cost of a literal bedroom with a partner is sort of the only way for young people to not be jammed like sardines with 3 other roommates into a teeny tiny living space with like one bathroom. Most people in their 20s and 30s who I have met who live in these cities don’t believe in getting engaged without living together first. I don’t think I know any married couples who didn’t live together for *at least* a year before getting engaged – but my entire social circle lives in those cities (or equivalents).

But you’ll find a lot of people on WeddingBee who either 1) don’t live in those cities (or equivalents), or 2) come from earlier generations, where living together has or had a different meaning or connotation. In those cultures, I think, moving in together before engagement is probably not wise.

 

Post # 68
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

Jesus. Stop rushing the poor kid. he was LITERALLY 22 a week ago. Only been able to drink alcohol legally for two years, just graduated, hell, his brain isn’t even done growing. SHEESH. Maybe date someone you’re own age?? or slightly older. If i were him I’d feel pressured by you & like maybe you were being crazy about trying to force me into something… & ultimately break up with you. 

Post # 70
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

elphy94 :  OmG then why are you here?! If you are “ok” with everything than what do you want? I’m with the other bees who are done with this thread you started. 

Experience is the only teacher you are capable of learning from. And that’s fine. But then you don’t need forums like this. 

Post # 71
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

And just to put this out there in response to your comments,

yeah, most people live together before getting married where I live too. And yeah lots of couples get pets together before marriage as well. None of that means you have to do the same, or that you can’t be smart about your choices. I moved in with my boyfriend because we agreed to get engaged soon after. We are married now and we STILL haven’t gotten a dog because we both work and it’s hard to find the right time to get one. But you know what? That’s called being an adult. Making hard choices and not giving into instant gratification. Sure we could get a dog tomorrow and I’m dying to get one, but it’s more important to be patient and get one when it’s the right time. 

That’s the biggest lesson I learned about being an adult and being married. It’s easy to make choices based on me me me and I want I want I want. But the right choices aren’t that easy. They require patience, and making sure it is a smart choice, making a plan. And every single woman I’ve ever seen who made decisions based on me me me? Yeah that didn’t end well for any of them. 

Post # 72
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

elphy94 :  

Bee, are you being treated for your anxiety and OCD?  We’re those diagnoses made by a qualified professional?

Your anxiety comes through quite palpably.  Untreated OCD is very concerning.

Your health, mental and physical is your #1 priority; far ahead of engagement chatter. If you are not seeing a therapist, get to one.  Now.  Make the appointment today.

And, once again, I must ask, why are you here?  What is it you need from us?

Post # 73
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

BuzzedBumblingBee :  

This.  10,000 times this.  You are exactly right, Bee.  It’s all about needing validation.

OP: I completely agree with the others; OP, I beg of you, please do NOT get a dog.  The poor pup can be devastated if you split and there is a high probability that you will, even if you marry.  Marriages at your age have a pretty high failure rate (60%).

Some pretty interesting divorce data.

Divorce Statistics: Over 115 Studies, Facts and Rates for 2018

Post # 75
Member
6917 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have no issues with young people and longer dating timelines, and did the same myself. But I think people are responding to the fact that you posted here, worried about the timeline and are now trying to back peddle and say youre totally fine with it. If you were totally fine with it, you wouldn’t have posted about it! So pps are responding to that fear in your OP. 

Reread what you wrote, and see if you would honestly give someone else different advice:

Now this is when it starts to worry me. He’s very unsure about when he wants to get married.

I am worried with his whole response about not being ready. I assume that if you love someone and want to spend your lives with them, you will always be ready. You’d be ready right now. I am just afraid of his vague response

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors