Am I looking too much into my boyfriend's response about getting engaged?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 91
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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elphy94 :  reddit is full of men who have benefited from making women wait. So don’t listen to them of course they want to help their brethren ALSO have their cake and eat it to. I posted something anonymously on reddit and it went viral on Twitter. The reactions were almost EXACT opposites because of the demographics.

Post # 92
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316 posts
Helper bee

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mrsssb :  what? Creepy, where? She wants someone in the same life arena who can experience firsts with her (first child, first marriage, etc). that’s it. 

Post # 93
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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elphy94 :  good men want to be fully established with a savings before proposing so that they can provide for their woman. That’s probably what he meant by “not ready.” For men, engagement generally tends to be the cherry on top of a fully independent adulthood. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more inclined to prioritize COMMITMENT first, because we feel that we can always just build a life TOGETHER after. 

Regardless, nobody, not these bees, you, nor even your bf knows what the future holds. Verbal commitments to get engaged are relatively meaningless, he could say 2020, 2021, whatever! Until he puts his money where his mouth is with a ring, I wouldn’t pay attention. Thank God you are only 25 so if he goes back on his word, you come out on the other side at 28. But it sounds like he loves you and right NOW feels like he wants to marry you. 

Post # 97
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1062 posts
Bumble bee

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elphy94 :  Of course plenty of people wait several years before marriage. I dated my husband for 5 years before we got married, and at that point we had known each other for 17 years. We were both more focuse on careers and other life goals. 

But I also didn’t make a post worrying about a timeline being far down the line because I DIDNT WANT A FASTER TIMELINE and neither did my now spouse. That was what felt right to us. 

People are expressing concern about what is going on in this relationship’s long time line IN LARGE PART BECAUSE YOU WROTE A POST WORRYING ABOUT IT. 

Post # 98
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee

elphy94 : That’s fine and I’m aware that people often do everything under the sun besides get married–buy houses, adopt puppies, even have kids. But I’m just saying that’s a risk for you as a woman who actually wants to be a wife. If you were fine being a forever Girlfriend then my advice wouldn’t apply.

It’s a risk to become so interdependent in a relationship that isn’t guaranteed to graduate to marriage if marriage is indeed the end goal. Because since he’s not ready now, there’s no guarantee that he will be in the future. But that’s just my opinion/ personal philosophy– I wouldn’t give so much to or tie myself in so many ways to a man who wasn’t ready, at that moment in time, to be my husband. 

Post # 99
Member
5996 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Just enjoy the relationship for what it is right now but make sure to prioritize your education/career as well so you will always have the ability to support yourself fully. You’ve only been together 1.5 years, living together 6 months and you had a crisis in your relationship 6 months ago also (either before or after the move in?). So much has happened in the past 1.5 years that it’s hard to see 2-3 years into the future. 

Post # 100
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

Hi! My advice would be to come up with a timeline . I want to be engaged by this —— year! If he loves you he will certainly not want to loose you and do it. He is 23 , I am 23 right now and so is 25.. we have been together for 3.6 years. The fact that your bf wants to wait 2 years would bring him up to 25. Which would prepare him more for being engaged and married. I would give it some more time. If you still aren’t sure please talk to him like a serious talk and it should clear things up. Don’t move in or get a dog until having this official talk. ( timeline talk) good luck !

Post # 101
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

OP said –

“And I relate much more too guys a couple of years younger because I find that generally they have the same life experience as me, which I like because I want to experience everything in life for the first time with someone.”

im sorry but that IS creepy. She doesn’t just want to have a partner who she gets to have kids with for the first time etc. that’s normal. She said “everything in life” and she dates men younger than her to accomplish that. That’s not normal to be so intent on finding someone that you can experience first apartment, first trip, first sex, first everything like she mentioned in an earlier comment. That’s super extreme. I’m having a hard time putting to words why it gives me the creeps. Maybe it’s because the poor guy deserves to have some things that are just his? Maybe it’s because her wanting that feels like it comes from a desperate place? Or because it’s like she thinks experiencing life with one person is somehow “better”, or perhaps it’s weird because like I mentioned earlier it feels like she is under the impression that doing ALL of life’s firsts with one person will create a stronger bond? Or entitle her to more of him? Create some kind of twisted history between them? Hard to really spell it out but it just sounds off and not normal. 

And OP said, we already are compatible. Well that could be, but with compatibility the proof is in the pudding and you can’t really say that until a proposal happens and a wedding. And it seems like  her putting such a high level of importance on their shared experiences is setting her up to look past all excuses/ incompatibility that may come up because “look at all we have shared/ our history”.  That’s just my opinion. 

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sboom :  

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Marie2 :  

Post # 102
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

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elphy94 :  Googling relationship stuff and asking for various opinions is generally not a great approach if you have anxiety. Relationships are complex things! Most people won’t align! There are few relationship challenges you will face in life where you will receive a unanimous response, and even then, for every rule, there’s the exception. 

Also, I think what people are just trying to drive home to you in general is that the promises of a 23 year old for the future are just generally not reliable, even if the person is overrall reliable and stable. Maybe you’ll get married. Maybe you won’t. And if you don’t, it doesn’t mean he was lying to you now. I believe he is likely being as honest and as sincere as he can be. But I remember a lot of my friends who were so so so sure when we were 23 that they would marry whoever they were with at the time who are now…married to other people! The good news is they’re happily married, so it all worked out. 

Post # 103
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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elphy94 : Girl, THIS is the board you WANT to align with because most of us got engaged. We weren’t all BORN with the, “Oh! Don’t let that mofo get away with not proposing!” mentality…we were MADE that way by wishy washy guys who dangled carrots. And I wouldn’t say people on here get engaged super fast. I think that’s a confirmation bias. But regardless, the pace you’re both going at for your age is perfectly reasonable. I live in a major California city, the EARLIEST most people get engaged is late 20s. I’d say 30s is more common. Anyways you’re in a good position even if things do change down the road, you will still be young so you’re all set for now. When my dangling carrot ex dumped me I had just turned 30. By The Way I’m 32 today! and been engaged for 4 months! You’re good though just enjoy the wonderful relationship you’re in! 

By The Way I totally agree with you that people on here are hating. Some people on here are SO unnecessarily judgmental. You had a rough go in this post you poor thing. But I’m rooting for you! 🙂 

Post # 104
Member
5996 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Marie2 :  unnecessarily judgemental? Pot meet kettle!

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