Am I looking too much into my boyfriend's response about getting engaged?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

View original reply
elphy94 :  What happen to your friend might or might not happen to you. Do not join finances with someone who does not want to get engaged to you right now, what’s the hurry? He said he wants to experience more things to you, it means he will have to understand whether you are indeed the right person. And no, he doesn’t know yet – if he did, he’d get engaged now. 

Yeah I know some people want to be established in whatever they do first, but it’s also true that many more just take the next step when they know they are with the right person. 

Also please, you’ve known each other for such a short time, do not take on a life commitment like a puppy

Post # 107
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Bee,

When I was graduating from college and maybe for 2-3 years after I was obsessed with weddings. Looking back now it had nothing to do if I wanted to be with the people I dated then, (and I’m very very glad I’m not with either of my early 20s boyfriends), it had everything to do with the anxiety of what my life would be. For the first time in my life, my milestones and my friends milestones were separate- some of them got married, some went to grad school, some liked their jobs, some hated them – the path kind of disappeared and it felt like I needed to lock something down. I read so many blogs and fretted about how soon we could get married and told myself I was ready and then read more relationship boards. 

I’m not saying this to say anything about whether or not you have the right relationship or the right timeline. It’s more a question you might want to pose to yourself and with your therapist- is your anxiety at all maybe making you focus on this arbitrary future deadline because it makes you feel more solved right now in your life? If you can tell yourself that the future deadline is the ideal date, and tell yourself it definitely is going to happen and say that you’re on track, would that be something that makes your life right now feel more solved? Is your job satisfying and interesting? Are you happy with your friendships? Do you have hobbies you enjoy?

Do you spend a lot of time on wedding boards as a primary activity? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your relationship’s quality and when its going to ramp up?  Is this a part of obssessive thinking for you? These aren’t questions this board can answer but your responses are very very detailed and very extensive and to me that’s where you should investigate.

One of the observations you might want to sit and dicsuss with your therapist is about how much of a good life is actually not punctuated by milestones. The beginning of dating is eventful- first you fall in love and feel butterflies and its a rollercoaster, and then maybe it settles in, and then maybe you move in together and then you’re hoping to get engaged and then you get engaged and then you get married and then…..after that maybe you move on to kids, but lets say that’s maybe around 10 years of lots of life event, and then you’re 40 and the kids are starting to go to school and the rest of your life is just being with that same dude for 40-50 more years and going to work and cleaning up kid mess and watching netflix.

A LOT of your life living together after marriage might be VERY similar to your life before marriage. Maybe what is helpful to focus on is how the day- to-day feels and pouring your effort into finding a way to feel good about that for a substantial amount of time before you go back to the marriage question. The time would let you both really focus on how you are with each other in this earliest part of your relationship. It’s practice that’s not wasted. And it’s really important if you’re an anxious person that you learn how to sit with things without trying to solve them.

It worries me that you’re spending multiple nights planning out this life plan that is hypothetical in the future right after you  talk to your partner and get a clear answer that he’s not ready now and thinks hell be ready in several years. It seems like this is a good time to sit with how that answer makes you feel and look at your overall life satisfaction and not push ahead to which private school you’ll send your 5th child to in 2032. 

I really do hope this is helpful to you. I hope you can cobble together some sense of why you’re coming back to this thread over and over and what it is you really need to figure out. best of luck to you. 

Post # 108
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

My friend this my friend that in my town weddings only take a day to plan we live in Canada where the drinking age is 19 so he’s MORE mature but super innocent… jeez. Why did you post here? OCD or nah, you only want to hear what you want to hear.

Post # 109
Member
9562 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
beepboopbop :  THIS. 

OP, we get it. Your bf is the Perfect Committed Man with the Perfect Commited Man Timeline to Marriage. Not sure what you want people to say here. Honestly, if you stumble across this thread 5 years from now, I can pretty much guarantee you’re going to be embarrassed by it (even if you and the bf are still twin flames) because you’re coming off like a petulant child. 

The “my friend this my friend that, Google says the average blah is blah blah” thing is useless info. 

Dh and I were actually in a similar situation to you guys. Got together as teenagers, went to college together, knew we wanted to get married one day, but wanted to finish our education first. Ended up engaged after 7+ years together. But I certainly don’t go around telling waiting bees to just hang in there and it’ll happen for them since it happened for me. We all have our own stories with different sets of facts and circumstances. People here are giving their opinions based on the facts and circumstances of your relationship. Sure, we’re all just a bunch of random internet people who don’t know you IRL, but that’s what you get for asking random internet people who don’t know you IRL what they think. 🤷‍♀️

Post # 110
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Bee, if you still read. Please go see therapist and talk about this, this doesn’t really sound like healthy relationship. If you even need to block search keyword on google to stop looking for answer for your relationship, I don’t think this relationship is healthy for you. Maybe you’re overthinking too much from your anxiety. Talk it through with your therapist, best of luck. 

Post # 111
Hostess
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
elphy94 :  Yeah I’ve noticed that most people here make the guy the bad guy and don’t trust them. I do trust my boyfriend with everything I have.

One of my close friends feels that way.  She moved cities for her boyfriend, they got a dog together, live together, and he is not going to marry her.  D.H. and I dated for a long time before we got married (9 years) and I was completely happy with that timeline (we were very young).  I think what most posters are telling you is to be cautious.  No one thinks that their S.O., whom they love, is going to lead them on. 

I wouldn’t be too concerned about your S.O. yet either.  23 is young.  I would enjoy your relationship and make sure you keep communicating about your future and what you both want out of it.  I do agree that I would not get a pet with someone I wasn’t engaged to, but that’s me.  I also didn’t move in with my D.H. until shortly before we got engaged.  I trusted him, and that trust was well placed.  My friend on the other hand – her trust is just going to get her more hurt as her biological clock ticks and she stays with him.  Even though she’s gotten resentful, she doesn’t want to leave their dog.  

Post # 112
Member
15 posts
Newbee

OP, I get your defensiveness. You love the guy and it’s hard to read/hear people talking poorly about him.

I am 24, fiance is 25. We lived together for about 15/16 months before we got engaged and had been together for a little over 2.5 years. I was on these boards for a while and internalized a lot about timeline talks, whether or not he was dragging his feet, would he be “ready”, etc. In hindsight, I don’t think I waited that long. BUT, when you’re waiting, it feels like it will be forever since you don’t have a concrete timeline for when it will happen.

I do think you can know you want marriage but not be ready for it. It sounds like your guy is like this, and right now, it’s not a huge red flag (to me, as someone who was in your shoes). But I see why it feels uncomfortable.

When are YOU comfortable waiting until? Personally I feel like timelines of longer than a year are hard to maintain. That’s a long time to wait for something.

I would revisit every 6-9 months or so and try to be engaged by mid-2021. That’s me though.

Post # 113
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Bee, my post is going to have nothing to do with your relationship and more to do with your OCD. I too have anxiety and OCD. I’m also a licensed therapist, so I’m speaking from two different places. My Diagnoses are centered around health anxiety and constant researching, checking, and obsessing about my health. I’ve spent entire days googling symptoms, checking my body, posting on forums, and going to doctors. I even signed up for those apps where you talk to a doctor. I see a lot of my behaviors in what you are doing. Do you know how many times I’ve posted online or spoken to family and friends looking for validation that my gut feeling was right? When they didn’t validate my feelings, I had two responses: One is I would back peddle like you are doing right now. I’d say “well I knew it wasn’t cancer anyway. “. The other is it would just make my anxiety worse because I felt like no one believed me. I also see you doing that here. 
I genuinely have a feeling that you spend A LOT of time online posting about this and looking for validation. That uncertainty comes from anxiety. I, like you, need constant validation that how I’m feeling is okay. I’ve been in therapy for years to deal with this. My therapist challenged me to document how often I think about, google, or talk to someone about my obsession. I did that and it helped me to see how much time was taken up by my thoughts. 
i would encourage you to stick with your therapist and keep working on this. It’s going to be important to figure out where your feelings are coming from. That’s been a huge part of the work my therapist and I have done together. We’ve done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and I’ve found it extremely helpful. It is also a pretty standard treatment for both anxiety and OCD. 
we can’t tell you if the timeline work for you. Only you know if the timeline works for you. You are looking for someone here to tell you if that time line works and we can’t do that. I hope I’m not sounding harsh because I’ve been in your head space before, but I know validation seeking when I see it. Because I do it. And sometimes I need to be called out on it. And maybe you do too, bee, 

Post # 114
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh my god, I’m about to sound like my mother… OP, just because your best friends jumped off a bridge, are you going to do it too? 

Almost every one of your responses trends in a similar vein. You are not your friends. Your boyfriend is not your friends’ significant others. Pretend like you don’t know any of them, and make smart, cautious, independent choices when you are ready to make them. 

Post # 115
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
elphy94 :  If this is the case you have alot more work to do with your therapist before you are ready for any serious commitment.. or maybe a new therapist. I have anxiety as well and what you just described is serioulsy troubling, word blockers? 

Good luck bee 

Post # 117
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

OP is young and niave as we all have been at some point. Maybe it will all work out, maybe it wont. But clealry shes not emotionally mature enough to really analyze this now. And even if she could – theyre both super young so any expressed commitment about future plans is fluid and subject to change. 

If OP is happy then keep on living life. She’ll learn in time how he really feels and what he really wants. 

Post # 118
Member
10520 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
elphy94 :  

I am glad you found pp below post to be useful. It is so thoughtful and considered and, above all, knowledgable . Keep coming back to it if you return, and that will maybe help you avoid getting anxious about things you don’t want to hear, and defensive and petulant when challenged. 

View original reply
beekeeper2018 :   

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors