(Closed) Am I losing my time?

posted 8 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

Tap the breaks.  If you were 32 and marriage minded, 6 months in would be an ok time to START talking about marriage to one another. At 22, I think it’s unreasonable for either person in the relationship to know 100% they are ready to marry after 6 months – or 12 months. It sound like the reasons you’re rushing to get engaged so quickly (travel together, have sex, etc) are the wrong reasons and can trick you into marrying someone who is totally wrong for you because you made decisions while still in your infatuation / honeymoon phase. 

IMO, you’ll have the best chances for a successful, happy marriage if you date for 2+ years when you’re in your early to mid 20’s. You don’t really know someone until you’ve seen how they handle many types of situations (high stress,   time apart, compromising on disagreements, planning for the future together, temptation, etc). 

Post # 18
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Like I said before, having the mindset you do is going to hinder your ability to really open up emotionally and let him in/let yourself be seen 100%. I think you’re doing both yourself and your boyfriend a disservice right now- why wouldn’t you just speak directly to him? I think it’s interesting you are worrying about wasting your time instead of having an optimistic view in nothings going “wrong”. You say you don’t want to be engaged “tomorrow”, but frankly 6 months from now is barely the day after so to speak. 

Post # 19
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee

There is no “guarantee” OP. There are no guarantees in life.

There’s no way to know if you two will end up married- you don’t know each other well enough. You’re asking for information he doesn’t have yet so you’re wasting your time prematurely stressing about it.

What are you expecting of him- a verbal contract that he will propose by year one? He probably doesn’t know yet if you’re the one for him- hence him continuing to date you to get to know you better.

You’re being prematurely pushy and you’re not going to feel more secure by making him say some words. 

He could very easily tell you “yeah sure I’ll propose by year one” and then realize you’re not compatible. He could leave you next month or die in a car crash. Sorry to be bleak about it but it is true that literally nothing is guaranteed.

Life is short and there is no way to know what’s in store for us. That’s just how life works. You can think you’re set for life and then have your entire world turned upside down. So slow your roll, chill out and just enjoy your life as it unfolds. Stop trying to control everything. 

It’s not the end of the world if things don’t work out with this guy. It’s also not the end of the world if he proposes after 2 years instead of 1 if that’s how it works out. Don’t be so invested in the outcome- enjoy the journey.

Focus on getting to know yourself, with or without a partner and the rest will work itself out 

Post # 20
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

What is your background, out of curiosity? 

My SO and I have been together for 4.5 years, engagement coming in a month’s time. I was happy to wait as we were your age (21 and 22) when we first started dating. It’s not the norm in my culture to wait this long either, but it’s more important to me that I felt ready, and that it was what I wanted, not what is in my culture. At some point you need to ask yourself if that’s really what you want, not what everyone does. 

Post # 21
Member
47 posts
Newbee

View original reply
neverbeenstungbee :  I second everything neverbeenstungbee says. Even if he tells you he is serious about you, there is no garuntee he will feel the same way in a year. There are stories of people coming home and tell their spouse of 20 years “sorry I don’t love you anymore”. There are no garuntees in life. Enjoy your relationship and things will work out as they are meant to. 

Post # 22
Member
2137 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
asayi :  I second all the Bees saying you should talk through these thoughts with him. If you need to, ask him generally. “What’s your five year plan?” If you’ve already asked him this, or you ask him now and he answers/answered with “I” instead of “we”, I think it’s okay to bring that up to him. “I noticed you used the word ‘I’ a lot, and I was expecting more ‘we’ or ‘us’. You’ve been asking about what’s bothering me, and this may be a good time to talk about it: I’m very traditional, and I want to keep to the cultural expectation that an engagement will occur around a year of dating. Is that not something we’re on the same page about? If so, can we talk more about how you feel?” 

Post # 23
Member
7817 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You keep jumping from where you are at six months to waking up after three years to find you’re not on the same page. Why not give this relationship a year for each of you to decide if you are interested in a shared future and have a conversation then? You are putting so much pressure on such a new relationship–you hardly know each other. Put in the time to and effort to really get to know one another before deciding you want to be married. 

Post # 24
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

I understand you set goals in your life and one of them is to get married, but you can’t make other people have same goal. 6 months in relationship I wouldn’t imagine being engaged, having kids, buy a house with my partner.
It’s still in the get to know each other phase. You said at one year he should already knows if he want to marry you, but you already set this up in mind since 6 months in. What if at one year you are the one who wants out of this relationship. 

I agree with other people that there is no garuntee in life, no one get married and plan to divorce. Life happens when it happens. If you want it to happens like you plan, try to make it happens too. Not set a year deadline and don’t say a thing to your boyfriend. May he’s not in the same page as you are and want out. Boom! you save 6 months time. Best thing is communicate, tell him this timeline you want. And remember not everyone wants the same thing, putting this much pressure on new relationship, the outcome of conversation may not be as expected. 

But if you can’t talk about this to him because you’re afraid of scaring him away means both of you are definitely not ready to get married. 

Post # 25
Member
1530 posts
Bumble bee

You say you are not ready to get married at this moment. He has already expressed that he wants marriage and kids in general. Isn’t that being on the same page? You already know you have the same end goal and now you are doing if you want that together.  If you are not ready to get married now, how come he should be talking about your mutual children and convincing you that he wants to propose in 6 months. It seems that both of you are figuring it out.

Post # 26
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

He tells you he loves you, that he is in this relationship for the long haul, he tells you he is serious about you and to not doubt his intentions. You found a note that said, I knew you were the one when…

What else can this guy do to prove he is serious about you? The two of you are on the same page as far as wanting marriage and children. He is doing everything and you are still not happy and doubt him.. it’s been six months. You need to figure out your trust issues or you will be engaged and married and still doubting and questioning and become a miserable person. 
There are no guarantees in life. Don’t put the fact that your sisters bf didn’t work out on this guy. Tell the voice of fear in your head that is doubting him to shut up.

If his engagement timeline is different from yours would you break up with him? Say he wanted to wait till a year into his school program? To me if you have found the one, the person for you and you both want and see the same future with each other if their engagement timeline is 6 months or a year longer than yours, what’s that in the scheme of a lifetime, nothing!

Post # 27
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Also wanted to add that many people including myself when I was younger have this, losing or wasting my time idea. And it isn’t necessarily true. 
All the relationships I have had, both romantic or friendships, have shaped me into the person I am. I didn’t lose or waste time with anyone. Not even my ex husband. They have all taught me lessons and helped me grow. Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am today and may not have been the right person when I met H. If the timelines had been different I wouldn’t have ever met H. There’s a great quote that says, learn to trust the timing of your life. 
Life experience shapes who you are, and even when things don’t turn out how you had hoped it doesn’t mean that it is wasted time.

Post # 29
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
asayi :  Have a conversation to check to see if you’re on the same page. The earlier your mutual expectations are communicated, the better for both of you. 

Something like, “I’ve really been enjoying our time together, and I’ve been thinking about the future. My ideal timeline would be to date 1 year before engagement, and be engaged X amount of time before marriage. How do you feel about this? What is your ideal timeline?”

Post # 30
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Just wanted to post my experience because I was brought up with the same values- no travelling, moving in together or sex before marriage. And crazily I met my husband and we were engaged at 3 months and married at 6 months!! I know to most people that sounds completely crazy, but I think if your culture expects that you date to find someone you’re serious about, having these conversations early is crucial. If you bring this up and he’s scared off it purely means he’s not ready for that stage in life and probably intends to get whatever else he wants to do (career/travelling/dating around) over with first. If he is serious about you and sees a future with you in it, he will not be scared off – trust me; I talked about marriage with my husband first 2 weeks and he knew from the second date he wanted to marry me. Not only that but he had reached the stage of his life where it was the right time. So be open with him as I think it will save you a lot of heartache as you will get your answer directly from him judging by his reaction. 

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