(Closed) Am I making a mistake? Or is this what he needs..

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You know him better than anyone else and if you think moving in will just make him comfortable then dont do it. 

Post # 4
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I got pregnant and then we got engaged.  We moved into an apartment together, and two years after that, we bought our house together.  However, he is the father of our daughter, and we were engaged, so it made sense for us to live together and raise her.  We had two more kids before getting married. 

If I had children and wasn’t with their father, I don’t think I’d move in with my boyfriend/FI until we were married.  Especially since an engagement ring isn’t even a guarantee of a marriage.  But that’s me.  Only you know what is right for you and your children.

Post # 5
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yeah, it’s ultimately a personal decision.  You’ve got two other people to consider however: your daughters.  A lot of Bees move in with their boyfriends and come to find their boyfriends have gotten “comfortable” and end up waiting a lot longer than they should to get engaged.  Others don’t end up waiting any longer than they otherwise would.  It’s really hard to tell.  I suggest sitting down and having a conversation with him about timelines and such.

Post # 7
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

This is a toughy since you have your children involved.  Since he has a hard time with feelings and he basically needs you to move into that apt it’s hard to judge if this is the right thing.  I know I regret moving in with my SO but at the time it was convenient for me.  Then I went and bought a house by myself because he did not want to go in on it with me and now he is totally in the comfort zone.  So I totally understand your worry.  I guess if you feel like it will be close then it might be ok.  It just seems like a bad situation for his family.  You should really discuss it more like if it is not a convinence then what is it?  Maybe writting a letter would be better.  Sometimes that works better for people who don’t like being put on the spot. That is how my SO is. He doesn’t respond to presure very well.  Anyway, good luck with what ever you decide.

Post # 8
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I just read your “epic saga.”  🙂  I dunno hun, an objective reading of the facts indicates your guy isn’t exactly chomping at the bit to move in or get engaged.  You say you’ve been together 2 and a half years, but you only left your ex husband two years ago (?) so I’m not certain on the math.  And he only mentioned moving in after he got denied for a place of his own?  Also not a good sign. 

If you’re really chomping at the bit for an engagement ring soon, I’m not sure moving in would be a very smart next step. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@LadyNwaitin:  I wouldn’t move in unless you have a firm agreement on the future and WHEN it will happen. 

If he’s not ready to give you a definite timeline, don’t count on it happening once you move in. 

Post # 10
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with PPs who say that this is probably not a good idea.  Kids pick up on all sorts of things, and if their living situation involves a lot of tension over whether the two adults will get married that’s not going to be good for them.

I say hold out for the ring… and an actual wedding date, before moving in together.

Post # 11
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

 I would not move in unless you had a ring and a date. You have two other people to worry about. You don’t want to put your daughters through that if he isn’t sure. I would stick to my guns and tell him you are not moving in until your relationship is a little more stable.

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@LadyNwaitin:  oh, ok. Looks like I misread the dates on your other thread, sorry about that. It seems as though you’re going to do what you’re going to do regardless of what advice anyone gives you so I wish you all the best.  I truly hope it works out for you. 

Post # 15
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@LadyNwaitin:  I think the problem lots of ladies run into with the “I’ll move in if there’s a timeline” is that once you’re sharing a lease and living space, there’s really no incentive for even the best-intentioned guy to stick to it unless you’re willing to move out, which would be difficult financially and emotionally for you and your children.

He may really and truly mean it when he says “there will be a ring by summer/next year/Christmas” but, as plenty of women in the waiting boards can attest, those firm deadlines get a lot fuzzier once you’ve unpacked all your stuff. 

Post # 16
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think if you move in together with a solid timeline and all expectations known *and* agreed upon, that’d be fine. When I moved in with my now husband, it was with the understanding that it was forever. He proposed 5 months later and we were married a year after that. Not everyone who moves in with their SO gets put in the purgatory waiting room!

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