- 8 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
Would you have bridesmaids in your wedding if they were unsupportive of your future marriage to your fiance? What if they thought he wasn’t the right guy for you and just viewed negatively of him(including thinking “he’s too young to make that type of decision”, when he will be 26), even if they hardly knew him? What if at first they acted supportive of you getting married, but then it *came out* that they really do in fact don’t want you to marry the guy or have kids with him(just because they might get depression..which I don’t care…I have seasonal depression)?
This is the circumstance that I am in. I was originally going to have 4 or 5 bridesmaids: 2 friends, my fiance’s little sister, and my two older sisters. Originally, I was hesitant to ask my two older sisters, I didn’t think they would be thrilled about the idea and I thought they would be unsupportive. Both of my sisters have always been cynical/pessimistic about marriage and their views on it. They’re both in mid to late 30s and unmarried…they struggle with mood disorders. They don’t have the best luck with guys, either. Anyways, my mom basically started pressuring me to ask them to be bridesmaids (even though now my parents deny that and say they were just “suggesting”)…when to begin with I wasn’t necessarily considering them to be bridesmaids due to the circumstances.
However, I did realize that I should ask my sisters, etc…..and I did. I was happy to ask one of the sisters who sounded like she wanted to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Anyways, it comes out that their *opinion* is very negative of my fiance…they hardly know him, so I don’t know how they could make such a judgment. There was a time, long before we got engaged where my fiance(who also has depression) went through a *confusion*/immature phase….was unsure what he wanted or whether or not he wanted kids(his mother was purposefully scaring him about them and always telling him he wasnt ready for them, even though we’re not having them soon) etc…It lasted a long time. I even considered leaving him….we had a few “breaks” to think things over. I am his first serious girlfriend by the way. A lot of it was caused by his controlling, manipulative, meddlesome, mother. But then one day, I can’t explain it….he snapped out of it and just realized that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me…and did in fact decide he wants kids with me…that we can’t control lifes circumstances and that we don’t want to pass each other up, etc….(I am 4 yrs older). 1 sister and I haven’t gotten along for a whole year, ever since Fiance and I got back together….
Anyways, my sisters upset me so much that I told them I don’t want them to be bridesmaids. Of course they say it looks bad to not have sisters as my BMs. They try to say they are supportive but they aren’t. My mom seems to think it’s okay to have people as bridesmaids as long as they support my decision to get married even if they don’t agree with what person I chose…..BUT I DON’T FEEL THIS WAY AT ALL. I feel that is not enough. Considering the hell I went through over a year ago with my fiance’s mother and her meddling/unsupport(she is better now and seems to be over it), I just want to surround myself with truly *supportive* people. Both my fiance and I agree that we would feel uncomfortable having unsupportive people *up there* with us as our bridal party for our entire Catholic ceremony(in which my sisters are agnostic). So now I think I just want my two good friends who were thrilled/honored/so happy to be my bridesmaids, and my fiance’s little sister to be our BMs. I mean, I also feel a bit hurt that my sisters don’t even trust my own judgment….they hardly know him….one has only met him one time at a dinner when we first started dating. There are concerned about things like me being the breadwinner….um, that doesn’t really bother me. I have always supported myself, have no plans to be a housewife…..EVER. He is finishing up college(1 class left that he has to take over), has a job……and will eventually look for better jobs once he has a degree in his hands. I don’t care if my fiance is not made of money, I’ve proven to myself that I can make it in this world already…I’ve been doing it since I graduated from college. I think it’s superficial to decide whether or not to marry someone based on whether or not they have a good job or even have college all done….of course those things are nice and I know it will happen, but our love for eachother is what’s important. It’s like we were meant for eachother. It’s not like we don’t have financial plans: I am saving money for a baby and he is saving up to buy a house to rent out to make money as a side job, plus we get a free downpayment on our own house due to military veteran benefits) I know they are entitled to their opinions, but they’re not going to convince me otherwise, etc.
So anyways, if you had sisters who were openly/constantly negative/against your marriage with fiance, would you still have them as bridesmaids?
I am not even asking my bridesmaids to do much: stand in the wedding, wear a colored dress, and be supportive. And my sisters can’t even do that part. They even had issues about the dresses/colors. My dad has been basically acting that I should not have my sisters be bridesmaids, even from the very beginning. It was my mom who was pushing it. I think my mom joins in on my sisters’ opinions…perhaps they gossip behind my back. It is really driving me crazy, frustrating me….etc. I am a really sensitive person. It’s not like my sister can talk me out of marriage…seems like she was trying to do that on the phone. It’s making me want to avoid my family……
Anyways, we are having a smaller wedding to begin with. Maybe 30 or 40 people? I am thinking of just having my two friends and my fiance’s sister as my bridesmaids and my fiance’s cousin as the flowergirl. And that’s what I had originally envisioned actually. I don’t know how I ended up back at square one. How did I intuitively know, months ago, that those were the only three people who should be BMs, and NOT my sisters? I can’t believe this happened. I feel so overwhelmed/upset..I have a headache. My fiance’s view is that he would be uncomfortable having them as BMs, that they had their chance and lost it….
Am I making the right decision for me about BMs, do you think?