Post # 1
My SO and I are not engaged yet, but have definietly discussed marriage and have met with someone to make my ‘perfect ring.’ We worked together to figure out a budget and have already decided on the ct weight and everything with the diamond dealer who will eventually be making the ring. We both decided on a .5 ct diamond with two smaller baguette diamonds on the side. I mention this because I want to illustrate that my SO is very involved in the ring picking process and wants me to get something I will absolutely love. For right now though, a ring and wedding just aren’t in the cards for us financially.
That being said our anniversary is coming up in a few days and he surprised me an absolutely beautiful ring. It’s not an engagement ring, just a ‘promise ring’ I guess you could say. It’s a gorgeous .16 ct diamond ring with tiny diamonds around. It is quite small (and people haven’t exactly been tactful in mentioning that), but I love it because my SO got it for me and it looks wonderful on my hand.
So I was super excited and decided to show it off to one of my ‘friends.’ I was definitely let down by her response, she first mentioned how tiny it was then said something like ‘oh are you engaged or something, you are wearing the ring on your left hand.’ I like to wear jewelry on my non-dominant hand, as I am extremly accident prone and I would NOT want anything to happen to this ring. I responded politely, ‘no, not yet!’ I then jokingly added, ‘besides i would want at least .5 ct diamond for my engagement ring!’
She immediately started getting really passive aggressive with me and acting like I was materialistic. She said, “Oh well you certainly have your specifications! Personally I don’t care about the ring at all – I would be happy if my man gave me some string.” I don’t see what is wrong with having an ideal ct size and ring in mind when getting engaged… If you are going to wear the ring for the rest of your life, you want to love it, right? Besides, I was completely joking! I would be fine if my SO were to have proposed to me with the .16 ct ring! It’s all about the symbol the ring represents… Am I materialistic for having an ideal ring? 🙁
Post # 2
No, your friend was the one who told you that your ring was small. Then when you said a bigger ring is in the cards, she still had to bring you down by calling you materialistic for it.
I would examine the friendship. Does she always bring you down like that? Was it a one time thing where maybe she’s having relationship issues?
Post # 3
Thank you so much. That’s what I thought was strange, too!
But unfortunately, yes… She has always been very passive aggressive when she gets like jealous or envious. We have been friends since 2nd grade and I’m honestly just getting tired of the toxicness. When I was dating my ex boyfriend she met him and he was really abusive and awful to me. She still continues contact with him and has even exchanged nudes with him and tries to speak about him to me when I’ve said time after time I’m not interested.
Her whole attitude toward the ring also makes me upset because she has cheated on her current BF countless times!
Post # 4
The people making rude comments about the size of your ring are the materialistic ones in this situation and acting like asshats for no reason. You are not making demands and together with your SO decided on a ring. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like.
ETA: just read your update. This “friend” sounds like a jerk. Like PP said it might be time to think about if you still want to be friends with this person.
Post # 5
I think that even though .5 carat is on the modest size, saying “He needs to propose with X size ring” will often rub people the wrong way, and it’s a fairly common mentality so I think there’s going to be a backlash against it. Even though you say you didn’t mean it that way, that’s probably how it came off. Whether someone says, “He better propose with at least 1 carat,” or their specification is much smaller or larger, the idea that a certain type of ring or certain type of proposal is necessary can make it sound like you care more about how much he spends than about the gesture.
Of course, I doubt if that’s what you meant in this situation. It sounds like you made an offhanded comment, and your friend is feeling sensitive about her OWN bf’s reluctance to propose so she took that out on you. She was probably jealous that your bf gave you jewelry in the first place – the fact that she felt the need to comment on how small it is was probably to make herself feel better. Maybe she responded so poorly to your comment because she doesn’t think that she’ll get a .5 carat ring if/when her bf proposes.
Post # 6
Thank you for your objective reply – I do really appreciate it!!
I honestly wouldn’t have even mentioned the size had she not insulted the ring my SO got for me to begin with! But thank you again – I will defintely be weary of how my comments will be interpreted in the future. I would never ever want to come off as someone who needs a certain ct size to be proposed to! Like I said, I would be happy accepting the .16 ct ring he gave me as an engagement ring easily. 🙂
Post # 7
Seems like a pattern here on these boards. People do not realize what a ‘friend’ is… but they are far and few. These people don’t really deserve to be apart of your intimate moments that you chose to share out of excitement and happiness.
No you are not materialistic. I was given i think a .25 ct ring (maybe smaller. I honestly don’t know the specs) for a promise ring last Christmas. We were only dating 4 months at that point. I got the same comments. Some were less rude like “oh it is so dainty”… I felt the need to justify with “its not the engagement ring though” but honestly look back and should not have. Those people were rude.
Post # 8
I agree from your posts that this person doesn’t sound like a great friend, but I think she has a point.
In one line you say “I would want AT LEAST a 0.5ct diamond for my e-ring” and the next line you say “I’d be happy with a 0.16ct”. I think it’s ok to WANT a certain size, but to demand and say that you wouldn’t marry someone without AT LEAST a certain size is the shallow/materialistic part. She may not have known you were joking (if you actually were).
Post # 9
I understand being accident prone, but be prepared to have everyone think you’re engaged if you’re wearing this promise ring on your ring finger on your left hand. It might take away from some of the excitement when you actually become engaged, and people will be confused. Just a thought. I’m accident prone as well, but it’s not more on one side than the other.
Post # 10
I have no problem wanting a certain size ring. It’s when you verbalize that it comes across as materialistic. Your friend never should have commented on the size of your promise ring to begin with, but I’m guessing she thought it was an engagement ring. I know you meant your comment in jest, but you were better off not saying anything at all.
Post # 11
Your friend sounds like a terrible person, or perhaps a person with some jealousy/self esteem issues, or perhaps both.
0.5 carats is hardly materialistic. I “need” at least .7 or so because I have huge fingers and I don’t see the point of spending enough to get a ring but not enough to get one a decent size in relation to my finger. But that’s entirely a personal preference.
I don’t really see the point of promise rings and I would be a little upset if my SO bought me a diamond promise ring, especially if money was tight. That’s $$ that could go towards an engagement ring; what am I going to do with this one after we get engaged?
But I second previous posters about wearing it on your ring finger; people are just going to assume. I have seen that before and admittedly I have sideeyed it a bit, it seems like they are trying to pretend/trick people. Should he be wearing a gold band?
Post # 12
Well then, I am hella materialistic because I would want my ring to look a certain way. However, it is reasonably what my man could afford.
I think it becomes negatively materialistic when it’s a demand (I wont marry you unless…) or it’s completely not within the scope of what can be done and you throw a tantrum over it.
Post # 13
Sure, that statement alone could “materialistic”, but then to some degree, arent we all? And so what if one was? I make money to be able to buy things and be financially secure. I like having nice things, and I work for it. I dunno why expressing a want becomes such a big deal when women express a desire for a piece of possibly expensive jewlery that they are planning on wearing for the rest of their life.
Post # 14
I think “demanding” a certain ct ring (I won’t marry him unless he proposes with 5 cts!!), or expecting something that is more than what you SO can reasonably afford is materialistic, but just wanting the ring you are going to wear presumably forever to look a certain way isn’t wrong. Your friend is the materialistic one, she mentioned it’s size first!
Post # 15
It is weird you wear it in your engagement finger, I’m with your friend there. But 0.5ct is not over the top, average size is 1ct, so you’re not materialistic. This whole conversation was awkward. I think she was less calling you materialistic and more joking/feeling pity for herself because she doesn’t think her man will ever afford 0.5ct