Am I mean that I want to upgrade my ring

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
2661 posts
Sugar bee

I would talk to him about it first, but if you are paying for it and he doesn’t have an issue, I say go for it!

Post # 3
43 posts

I don’t think it makes you mean to want to upgrade your ring but I do believe that it might be too soon to want to upgrade the ring considering its been 5 months only. Maybe it would be a better idea to upgrade during an anniversary. Perhaps a 1 year or 5 year anniversary? I think that would make him feel better than upgrading beforehand.

Post # 4
146 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think it’s “mean”. However, I assume I the ring he purchased 5 months ago is what he is willing to purchase.  

Was your plan to fund the upgrade yourself?

Speaking pragmatically, I don’t know that a 1ct pear will look so substantially bigger than a 3/4 ct that it will be worth the financial hit.

Post # 5
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think my husband got upset because I was disappointed in my original ering but it was a CZ and when we picked up his inheritance there were several real diamond rings he could have used but didn’t and his brother an sister in law teased him about not using one of the ones he technically already owned. But to answer your question, I think most men would be sensitive to this because it might make them feel like they didn’t do a good enough job to begin with so you will have to be careful about how this is broached with him. 

Some couples prefer to upgrade around anniversaries so it might be good to see how he feels about that and if there is an upgrade policy from where you purchased the original ring/diamond from. 

Post # 6
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Don’t worry.  I felt the same way after I got my ring. It’s not mean, it’s just that I see shrinkage between it being in the box and on my finger. If you are worried about coverage, going from a 0.75 to a 1 isn’t going to be a big difference. I would consider seriously looking to see what carat size is your ideal, and then commit to that for an anniversary upgrade. Better to get a good idea of perfect size now, than upgrade to a 1, and then have doubts again and want a 1.25 or etc. 

i wouldn’t be too worried about upsetting him either. Chances are, if you two are good at communicating, he’ll be willing to listen. My fiancé is in Med school now, and we ended up getting a decent carat size but I could go bigger. When he’s established in his career, there will no doubt be tons of women that we socialize with that will have bigger rings. By then, we will upgrade as well. 

Post # 7
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t think it’s mean, at all. But you also know your fiancé better than any of this audience. I would come to the table with some solutions, for instance offering to put money towards the upgrade. I was a little nervous when I spoke to my husband about an upgrade but I had money set aside and ultimately he was very happy with our decision. I would listen to some of the other bees and see if 1ct will make a huge difference because if it doesn’t then it might not be worth the conversation. 

Post # 9
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sonya511 :  I agree 5 months might be too soon for several reasons.  First, it does kind of say “the ring you gave me is not good enough”  right from the start, whereas waiting for a milestone anniversary says “I have loved this ring for x number of years but now I think I’d like something larger/different”.

Second, you may want to live with it for a bit longer to be sure you want to upgrade.  We spent so much time researching diamonds and rings that I became obsessed with the process.  The focus for months was finding the best/biggest stone we could within our budget.  So much so that even when we made our final selection I continued to second guess my choices.  I questioned everything from the stone size, cut, color and clarity to the setting.  I couldn’t give up the idea that we could have found something better.  That obsession lasted 6-9 months. 

The last few months I have finally let it go and learned to love my ring.  That’s not to say that I may not want to upgrade at some point in the future, but more often than not these days I think this is the ring I will wear for the rest of my life.  Its a beautiful ring that my Fiance gifted to me because he loves me and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. 

Post # 10
6441 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

A lot of people want a lot of things. The bigger question is whether or not your combined finances will allow you to double the price of your ring right now. If money isn’t an issue, then by all means go as large as you want. But I’m taking a wild guess that if he had been willing to spend double what he did, he might have gone bigger originally.

Post # 12
2645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Beth7210 :  can we see your ring? Assuming the stone is set up and down, if it’s possible to have it turned sideways you get more back and forth finger coverage that way and then you can fill the up and down space with a wedding band(s) later

Post # 13
366 posts
Helper bee


Five months seems like a really short time for an upgrade. Chances are, if it was what he could afford 5 months ago, it’s what he can afford right now too. If you plan on paying for the upgrade, make sure he is ok with that as well- many men would be fine with that (my fiance would actually be ecstatic) , but other men might feel like it’s an attack on their abilty to provide you with the things he “should”- it’s seriously not worth undermining him for 0.25 cts. 

I would start by asking him about the ring- why did he choose it (obviously you should ask this in a curious way, not an accusatory way), what about it did he like, what about it made him think of you? You might not know the thoughtful reasons he may have had for choosing that ring. Maybe he got a really high quality stone, thinking you would prefer it to a larger one. Maybe he thought the delicate stone would suit your delicate hand. Maybe it’s a family diamond. Maybe he honestly had no idea what he was doing and just got the first one he saw.

This information will help you frame your discussion when you do talk to him about an upgrade. If it’s clear that he didn’t really have a good reason for picking the ring and just got it on a whim, you can bring up an upgrade now (but leave out the word “upgrade”).

If he had a meaningful reason for picking out that ring or if he bought the best he could afford, I personally would suggest getting a ring enhancer or something for the time being and waiting for an upgrade in the future.

It’s one thing if you positively hate the design of the ring, but if you like it other than the fact that it’s 1/4 ct too small, it’s not worth making a big deal of it right now since the difference in finger coverage will be minimal. 

Post # 15
1244 posts
Bumble bee

Beth7210 :  That is such a pretty and classy solitaire!! I know it might be awkward, but if you want a bigger stone maybe try some on before suggesting 1 carat, just in case. That way you get to see exactly what size is “right” for you, rather than guessing. I remember thinking 1 carat was “huge” and I was happy with my 0.43 carat. Things changed over the years though! Another option to make it have more presence on your finger is a halo. Pears look so lovely in halos. ❤️

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