Am I mean to think about not wanting in-laws into our home??

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You are massively overthinking this.

Build the home you want, worry about the rest later. 

Its not awful not to want her to come live with you, I wouldn’t want that either, but your attitude about it all is a bit sucky. 

Who knows what will happen in the future. You might all get hit by a bus tomorrow. She’s 60! Not 80. I’d calm down a bit if I was you. My diabetic mother of 75 is perfectly well and spritely. 

Post # 3
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I do not have any friends that share the same ideas, and family may think I am still the greedy person.”

Yeah there’s a reason for that. And yes you do sound mean and selfish right now. 

Post # 4
Member
4500 posts
Honey bee

I find it interesting that not once do you mention what your husband thinks or wants.  This is his mother being discussed and his shared home being built.  Surely he has opinions on both matters.

And I assume if you put the kibosh on his mother potentially living with you (after she opened her home to you, so good luck not looking selfish and ungrateful there), this rule will hold true for any member of your family as well, no matter how temporary?

Post # 5
Hostess
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

my goal is not to ever live with inlaws”

Yet you’re living with her now?

Sorry, but no matter what you do you’re going to come off selfish and spoiled because that’s what you are being.

This is your husband’s MOTHER and you’re more worried about judging than anything else it seems. As PP said, if you’re not going to allow her to live with you if it should come to that, I’m assuming your family members won’t be able to live with you as well? To be fair, right?

Post # 6
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

If I knew my DIL was actually basing her renovations around not making a ‘do-able option for Mother-In-Law to move in’ I’d be crushed….there’s no indication your Mother-In-Law is even considering that down the road. She’s not that old, she’s fully functioning and traveling and has a retirement plan in place. I’d be appalled that my DIL was side-eyeing me- not over something I did but something I may possibly in her mind think I have the option to do in the future. I’d be so hurt she was thinking like this and even basing her plans for her home around this. 

The only legit concern here is that she’s not taking her diabetes seriously enough. I’d suggest your husband try to have a serious, sit-down talk with her about it since he likely has her well-being uppermost in his agenda rather thanher being the possible burden you see her as becoming. 

Post # 7
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

When you marry your spouse, you are also marrying his family.  As time goes on, parents age and there may be a time when they need caring for in poor health.  That is just part of life.  Before my husband and I were even married, his father became very ill and had to move in with us for over a year due to not being able to work.  Did I love it?  No.  Did I know it was part of being a relationship/marraige? Yep.  It was hard but it showed my husband (fiance at the time) that I was able to stick it out through rough times when our families are in need.  It also could be my family some day in the future and I hope he would open our home to them without questions the way we did for his.  You sound like you’ve lost sight of some key aspects of marraige and the real committment you made.

Post # 8
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Everything with your ILs aside, I still absolutely pick garage.

Post # 9
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

reyesia :  I don’t think it’s mean to not want your in laws moving in. However, your post comes across as self centered, even though I understand your concern. She seems to have a plan in place right now as her retirement condo is near a hospital.

In a marriage, I feel it’s normal to take care of your parents when they get older. It doesn’t mean the parents shouldn’t care for their health and thereby leave a huge burden on their kids though. Have your husband and his siblings speak to their mother about taking her health seriously. Nobody wants to see their parents suffer in the aging process. 

Plan for the house you want and disregard any ideas of unwanted guests moving in. You don’t have any kids yet, so I would rather build a garage as the benefits can be utilized right away.

Post # 10
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Jeez she’s in her 60s and has a plan. Just for some perspective no one is guaranteed anything. You could (god forbid) find yourself needing assisted living tomorrow & she could be the one talking like this about you. 

Post # 11
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you spend 10 months living in a family member’s home for your convenience, it is absolutely horrid to plan NOT to let them live with you if they are ill. This is your husband’s mother. Where is he in your planning?

 

Post # 12
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I think it is sad you would be so obssesed with not having your in laws live with you. They have opened their home to you when you neeeded it. 

ETA: no matter how much you write about her quirks, this post says more about you than her. 

Post # 13
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

reyesia :  Bee, build the house you want that suits your family’s needs. Build the garage and not the basement!!! I understand not wanting to ever live with your inlaws, I feel the same. They are nice people but I never want to live with them and neither does my Darling Husband. What does your Darling Husband think of all this?

Obviously what your Mother-In-Law does is not your business, you cant tell her how to live her life, and she will have to deal with the consequesnce, not you. I wouldnt even bring up living together as a possibility at all. And if she ever does then you tell her that it doesnt work for you.

All the Bees telling you you owe her because she let you live in her house.. for 10 MONTHS, doesnt mean you owe her to live with you for many YEARS. That is just not fair. If I were you, I would start a little “paying mother in law back fund”. Figure out how much she has helped you financially by letting you live with her  and be ready to repay that back when the time comes,be it as a lump sum or monthly payment. Do not feel guilty for not wanting to live with her. In my parens’ experience and every other instance I have heard of this happening it never ends well. Living with your parents on inlaws when trying to have your own family is not condusive to having a healthy marriage or health family dynamics. I have no idea how meople in other cultures do it. 

Good luck! Stick to what your nuclear family needs,your responsibility is to yiur nuclear family and no one else. Right now it’s just your and your Darling Husband… ILs shouldnt ve even a part of the equation.

If you need more support on how to deal with ILs –>

https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

Post # 14
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Take comfort that she owns some appreciating assets (property) and has a plan. That is very helpful!  So many of us don’t have parents/in laws who have that!

Aside from that, as I see it… If you never want her to live with you, save money with the knowledge you may one day have to pay for a caregiver.  That’s what we’re doing.  

It sucks, for sure.. this is money we really want/need to be for our own retirement and our sons college.. but what can we do? Seriously, what other choice do we have? I don’t see one.

Post # 15
Member
5582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

People will think you are mean and selfish because you were happy to live with your Mother-In-Law now when it suits you. While some people don’t like caring for family and don’t want parents or parent in laws living with them and that’s fine, I do think it’s a bit rich for you to think that while you are living with her for almost a year so you don’t have to pay your own rent!

How does your husband feel? I think you need to have an honestl conversation about how you plan to look after his mother when the time comes rather than being sneaky and planning your house in a way so that she can’t ever move in. 

Also your mil is 60 not 80, this doesn’t even seem like it is a real problem for you right now.

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