Am I mean to think about not wanting in-laws into our home??

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

What does your husband think about all this?

Build the house you both want to suit your current needs and future plans.  Hopefully by the time your in-laws need your help and support (if ever), you’ll have found some compassion and be able to join with the rest of the family to make it work.

Post # 17
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

NightOwl27 :  Not everyone feels that way though. I’ve never considered his family mine, ever. I also refuse to let his family live with us or my family either. I am not going to become a caretaker.  

Post # 18
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

zenith :  I hope no one in either of your families ever falls on bad times or poor health.  It’s not always a choice.  Sometimes it just happens and that person needs people to help them.  I hope you and your husband never find yourselves in that situation because there might not be anybody there for you when you need it since you’ve made it clear you won’t do anything to help others.

Post # 19
Member
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

OP, why are you making up trouble? She’s 60 and in fine health right now. LOTS of things could change over the years, and it seems she has no plans to live with you, regardless of her health. So why are you obsessing over this to the point of considering changes to your new home because of it? 

you and your Dh need to discuss options for when BOTH sets of parents age (yours and his), and what you would be willing to do, if anything, to help. His choice matters in this, too. Perhaps the two of you could set aside some money as a thank-you for them allowing you to stay with them to help them if they need it? But as it stands, you are inventing something to worry about. Most people have enough to worry about IRL; I don’t know why you’re looking for more.

Post # 20
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

She’s not in fine health. She has severe diabetes and determinedly lives a life designed to make it much, much worse. Housing young healthy people for some months while they get on their feet is one thing. Becoming full-time care to someone who has encouraged a disease that often results in blindness, dementia, the amputation of one’s feet, etc. and yet the diabetic can live on and on for years, sicker and sicker–well, I can only think you’ve never been the caretaker for someone extremely needy and totally nocompliant. 

When you marry you don’t become the slave of his family. At least, sane people don’t.

And living even with healthy inlaws rarely works out.

Don’t let these posters guilt you. They sound like they aren’t speaking from any kind of experience.

Post # 21
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

NightOwl27 :  Neither of us are only children. I have 4 kids and grandchildren so I think it should fall on my single sisters who are 30 and still living at home. My fiancé has other siblings whom it would be easier to take on his parents. 

Post # 22
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

We bought a house that has an in law suite. We use it as a guest room. We have both agreed that my husband’s parents will never live with us. He doesn’t get along with his mother at all and has no desire to be any closer to her. We will help them find an assisted living facility when the time comes. 

Having an extra bedroom doesn’t mean your home is open and free for anyone to move in. You and your husband just need to be on the same page. 

You live with her now, so that would indicate that your relationship with her isn’t as bad as my husband’s with his mother. You need to talk with your husband.

Post # 23
Member
9435 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

No is a complete sentence. I would design my home to suit my immediate family, nothing more.

I do get not wanting to “give them ideas” though. We’re looking to move and I honestly avoid houses that have a whole basement set up, because I know my Mother-In-Law would drive us absolutely insane about it. Heck we looked at a house with a bunch of acreage and she was like “oh I can just buy an RV and live there! I could see Grandkid all the time!” Ummmm no.

Post # 24
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

This is just my opinion: Family is family and when you marry someone you are marrying into their family-for better or worse. That being said, you should be there for each other and lend a helping hand when needed. But, like someone correctly stated-it doesn’t mean becoming a slave to that person. You can have tough love with your Mother-In-Law and say maybe something like you will help her to get on track to a healthier lifestyle but will not tolerate her having a “YOLO” (as you put it) attitude. But this isn’t even an issue yet, so I have no idea why you’re even letting it bother you. You don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, so I have no idea why you’re stressing so hard over. In the words of my Mom: “you never know what is going to happen, you could come home one day and find your husband wearing your panties”. LOL

Post # 25
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I think you should at least have the space for there to be room for her. Leave part of the basement half-way finished so that you can wall it off and make it liveable if this actually becomes a issue. I get not wanting to live with (anyone’s) parents, but they took you in at one point. That means a lot- espcially if she had the same opinion that you do.

Post # 26
Member
3686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t let any of these negative posts get to you.  They don’t know you or your Mother-In-Law.  My husband and I have an agreement that nobody’s parents will ever be living with us.  Because we’d kill the other one’s parents.  

Our home is set up to house our children, and that’s it.  The only exceptions would be if my nephews somehow ended up in our custody.  

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