Am I offically waiting now?

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honestly how could any of us know what he could do?  It’s good that y’all seemed to have an adult conversation about it so that bodes well.  That you got so upset you cried leads me to believe you don’t believe him fully.  I’d recommend listening to your gut.  His excuses are BS though, but if you’re happy with his timeline then what else is there to say?

Post # 3
Member
504 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@flyfromtheinside:  I honestly have never heard of “officiality in waiting” or whatver until I came to the bee, If you guys agreed upon a timeline, then go with it. If he doesn’t meet that timeline, leave.

Post # 4
Member
1516 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Um, no. You showed him rings. He saw something he liked. That doesn’t mean he’s going to buy you the ring and propose by the end of the year.

I never understood the concept of “waiting” for a proposal. Engagement happens when you agree to get married. The ring is a formality. I also think most “proposals” are a bit of a farce. When a woman tells a man she’s ready to get engaged, isn’t she technically proposing? When the man buys the ring and “proposes,” isn’t he technically accepting the woman’s proposal? 

It sounds like you really want to be engaged by the end of the year at the latest. Your boyfriend thinks he has till 12/31/21 to make it official. He seems receptive to getting engaged eventually, but it also doesn’t seem to be an imminent priority for him. I agree his excuses were complete crap, and I am glad you called him out.

You need to be more honest about your personal timelines or stop getting hopeful. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

Post # 5
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t really sound like it no. You’ve talked about engagement and expectations which is good but it also sounds like you have different timelines and just causally talked about rings, which is just a formality not a step. 

Post # 6
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs. It seems moreso casual vs concrete to me. Plus he said it wont happen this year so i would say maybe you can call it waiting next year through the 5th year mark he said he wouldn’t past that mark. Your range seem to be about 1.5 yrs starting next yr. 

You seem to have given him the “ok” on this timeframe so let it be and take your mind off of it to keep your sanity. 

Post # 7
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound to me like he plans to propose in the near future or even 2020, although of course we don’t know him like you do. At this point I would not suggest getting in to the “waiting” mindset, because you could be there a loooong time and once the excitement wears off you are just going to get more frustrated.

Post # 8
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Not proposing during covid sounds dumb to me. Life is going on, with or without him! 

Post # 9
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Nothing about what you wrote would lead me to believe he will propose this year.  In fact, how I read it is that YOU basically agreed to extend the timeline to your 5 year anniversary. 

If you feel strongly about a 2020 timeline then thats what you should have said.  Not hinted at it, but said the actual words “I want to be engaged by the end of 2020”.  If a 2020 timeline doesn’t work for him, on hearing your desire his response should have been not bullshit, random excuses but “that doesnt work for me, I was think by the end of 2021” then you could respond “that feels too long.  Can we agree by our 4 year anniversay in June?” 

Do you see the difference between this and the convoluted conversation you actually had?  This is how adults in a healthy relationship discuss and negotiate decisions that effect you both.

You need to learn to communicate your needs clearly.  And you need to hear his words and stop trying to read between the lines.  When he says he doesnt expect to propose this year, believe him.  Because you trying to interpret and assign a different meaning to the ring comment is only setting yourself up for disapointment and resentment.  And that is a disservice to your relationship and very unfair to him. 

He obviously has communication shortcomings of his own to correct and I would strongly recommend that the 2 of you work on learning to communicate more effectively before marriage.  Maybe that’s something the 2 of you can work on while waiting for the official proposal.

Post # 10
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@flyfromtheinside:  I’m sorry, I’d say no. I went back and read your thread from 2 years ago, and it doesn’t seem much has changed, except now you’re living together. I definitely wouldn’t expect it this year due to his comment. I also find his BS excuses concerning. He was really reaching to have a reason to delay. 

Post # 11
Member
5160 posts
Bee Keeper

If he proposes at all it’s not going to this year. Dude is 33 and the excuses he’s giving you are such bs. Two years ago he said you needed to live together first. Now the pandemic needs to be over, and none of your friends should be having a wedding/engagement/birth? Those reasons are asinine and textbook timewaster material. They would make me question whether he’s serious about marrying you. Two years ago he knew you wanted to be engaged and he hasn’t made a move. You get along great because you go along with what he wants while he is able to tune you out. This guy is in no hurry, and it isn’t because he’s “traditional”.

Post # 12
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

this doesn’t sounds good to me.  you’ve been together 3 years, living together for almost a year, and he’s 32 years old?  why does he need another two years before he’s going to propose?

i’m sorry bee, this doesn’t sounds like a good situation.  his excuses about other friends having babies and the pandemic are super lame.  i don’t think you should waste another two years of your life with this guy.

Post # 13
Member
10602 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

All I see is him hoping to make you stop asking about it. 

Post # 14
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

No, you are not “officially waiting.” You are in perpetual limbo.

I have come to discover two different definitions of the term “waiting” on this board:

1. Waiting for an imminent proposal any day.

2. Waiting around despite not being on the same page with the timeline or not even having a timeline…waiting in limbo pretty much

It sounds like you are definitely in category 2. So you showed him some rings. That doesn’t mean anything. 

View original reply
@Goirishgrl:  was spot on. It sounds like you beat around the bush during the conversation which left a lot open to interpretation and now you’re reading into things that aren’t there.

I find his excuses very flimsy and like PP said he was really reaching. This is very concerning. That he doesn’t have any solid, concrete reasons to delay proposing and instead came up with arbitrary, ridiculous reasons screams that he doesn’t really want to marry you 

For reference, here are some legit reasons to delay engagement: 

-super young (think early 20’s)

-not established in a career

-moving too quickly (for example, if you expected him to propose 3 months into the relationship)

In comparison, here are the reasons he gave you: 

-don’t want to steal someone else’s thunder

-the pandemic

He’s 32. It’s been 3 years. He knows what he wants by now, even if you were his first relationship. These excuses make no sense and would not stop someone who wants to get married.

You need to force the issue. I know it’s uncomfortable but you need to be much more clear. Tell him directly you want to be engaged by the end of 2020. See what he says.

Stop being afraid of standing up for yourself. It sounds like there’s a power imbalance here, that you’re afraid to be direct with him because you’re afraid of the answer you may get. I don’t like that you gaslighted yourself by referring to yourself as “bossy” or “demanding” for simply stating your needs in the relationship. You don’t sound at all like you are bossy or demanding. In fact, you sound like a doormat who’s afraid to stick up for herself.

Please do not wait around, silencing yourself for a suprise proposal that isn’t coming any time soon. If you delude yourself into thinking you are waiting for a proposal any day, your levels of resentment will reach toxic levels pretty quickly.

 

Post # 15
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@flyfromtheinside:  I’m sorry bee. If he is saying this year or next, then he is not going to propose this year even if you are talking about rings etc…To me it sounds like truly deep down inside you are ready for it now. It’s highly possible he will not work on this until next year and that could be the END of next year. I urge you to be super clear with him about what you want. It is so so important you do that. Being clear and saying what you want doesn’t = being pushy. It’s just giving important information that he NEEDS to know. In his mind he has until December 2021 and thinks you’re ok with that. The thing about humans is if they have a deadline, they tend to do it when the deadline comes. How many people do you know who file their taxes ON tax day. Human nature is to use all the time you have been given. If you are anxious about it now, imagine how you will feel after feeling this way after a year. MY SO started talking rings with me a year and a half ago and told me he would propose in “2020”.  It’s July and we are just now going to pick out a ring this weekend. The stress of waiting a whole year was starting to get to me, and stressing me out. I moved the timeline up specifically to July or August and that’s ok. 

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