Post # 1
Alright I’ll try to keep the backround info minimal.
First of all: I have recently gotten ingaged (july), and have been having many ‘arguments’ with my family over wedding planning. (They didn’t like the dress I had chosen, guest lists,…) Now a new issue has arisen and I want to see if people think that I’m letting previous problems rule my emotions.
My older sister (who has been with her boyfriend for about 6 months) and I are very close. She has refused to give her blessing until she has had a chance to talk to my fiance since she hasn’t seen him since he was 15. In which case, I won’t be getting her blessing until about a year after my engagement.
The current problem is that she has apparently gotten engaged and is getting married in the next month! Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY happy for her (and a bit concerned since she hasn’t known him very long). Not only did I not know she was engaged, I found out about the wedding from my mom talking about the "celebration" they were planning. For one I feel that she should have come to be first and at least said that she wasn’t trying steal my thunder or anything. Also I haven’t even MET her fiancee and they are getting married before I have a chance to visit them!
Do I have the right to be upset or am i being bridezilla? (Also I would never dream of ruining my sister’s excitement right now by telling her this. I will wait until the right time and hopefully by then I won’t be so upset.)
Post # 3
Wow. I’d be upset, not because of my own upcoming wedding, but because my sister was trying to be so controlling of my own plans while leaving me out of hers. It sounds like you have it in the right mindset, though: there have been a lot of problems in the past that you acknowledge, and you’re keeping your sister’s happiness in mind right now instead of letting her have it. Instead of confronting your sister, I might try to change how I think about it, which it sounds like you’re already on your way to doing. And maybe the next time she says something about "giving her blessing" (which really, why do you need? Would you not marry your Fiance if your sister said not to after not even knowing the guy very well?), say, "I’ve never met your Fiance, but I’m very happy for you, and I hope you’ll be the same for me."
Post # 4
Well this is a touchy subject. I don’t know how I would react to this situation. It’s rather hyprocritical of your sister to tell you that she wont give you her blessing until she’s talked to your fiance, yet she’s getting married in a month and you’ve never met her fiance. Also, it’s nice of her to try not to steal your thunder, but on the other hand it’s a bit sad that she didn’t tell you bc you are her sister and would like to get excited for and with her. I think that she’s being a big sister and being protective. Sometimes being an older sibling makes you hold many double standards. But you are doing the right thing in not addressing this with her until she’s through with getting married. Now isn’t the time to talk about it. After you can plan a sisters’ night and talk it all out. It’s important to discuss this before your big day so that you don’t hold any grudges against her, because even if you don’t think it will, you’ll end up feeling worse and not truly enjoying the most special time of your life. Good luck!
Post # 5
Well I don’t want to talk to her about this over the phone. I won’t see her till christmas, so I was considering talking to her about all this then (after I’ve had a chance to cool down).
I want her blessing just because I love her. I would still marry my love no mather what, but it would be nice to have her standing there with me through the planning process.
By the way, thank you for the quick responses. I have been going crazy since I found out last night. My family is so excited that they are getting a new in-law that my fiance has becoming a potential in-law now that a "real" one has come in.
I’ve even considered eloping at this point. I won’t know half the people at my wedding (it’s a cultural thing, EVERYONE that anyone in my family knows has to be invited). Now this last blow has really taken all of the excitement out of the whole ordeal.
Post # 6
I just wanted to put in my two cents. I saw that you mentioned there was a "cultural thing" about having people at your wedding that you don’t know, and I became curious. What culture are you referring to? I only ask because it could possibly apply to your situation.
If you happen to be of Asian cultural background, keep in mind that traditionally, the oldest sibling marries first, followed by the next oldest, etc. In fact, when my brother got engaged(and then married!) before I did, people were really suprised that I wasn’t even remotely upset. To be honest, I didn’t even think about that before someone asked me about it!
As for feeling as though you aren’t excited because your family treats your sister’s fiance as a "real" in-law, remember that families don’t intentionally hurt you – it’s just that it’s easier to get excited about and focus on the most immediate thing. I’m sure it’s in no way intentionally hurtful towards you.
Don’t worry – after your sister gets married, you’ll get all the attention! Who knows…you might end up wishing they would ignore you! 🙂
Congratulations, and good luck!
Post # 7
You mentioned it’s a cultural thing…that’s your clue right there! In most cultures and older times…the eldest marries first anything else is considered rude.
Give them time…once your sister is married maybe they’ll turn around…but to be honest…if your family is making big plans and celebrating the "real" thing…I wouldn’t be surprise that your wedding becomes an afterthought.
It looks like your family is playing favorites so you might wanna be ready for some disappointment.
P.S. By not giving her blessing maybe your sister was hoping to stall your wedding planning until she could get her wedding off the ground. If you’re frustrated over this…you have the right…and it’s very classy of you to wanna wait until her wedding is over to discuss her double standards.
After reading your story…nowhere did I think..your sister was looking out for you! Sorry.
Post # 8
It is a middle eastern tradition, but we aren’t that traditional. None of my sisters had a traditional marriage which is why my mom decided that mine would be traditional.
I guess the biggest blow was that she didn’t tell me about the plans before hand. It looks like she has been planning this for months and just left me out of it.
I guess I’ll just have to wait it out. Thanks, it’s good to know that I’m not just being a jerk.
Post # 9
I don’t think you’re being a jerk at all. I’d feel the same way.
Stick it out, at least until your sister is married, and see if things become a little more reasonable at that point. If it doesn’t, then you could consider making some other plans.
Post # 10
yuck, I definitely think she just couldn’t be happy for you because she wanted to get married first…it is very hypocritical, but you are right to wait until after the wedding…maybe you can ask your parents why you need a traditional wedding & she can have a quickie wedding…if you sister acts like SHE is the one big on tradition (by wanting to marry first) then why wouldn’t she be the one with the traditional wedding & let you do your non-traditional wedding?
Post # 11
She is definately being a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t say that she’s trying to steal your thunder. Maybe because she’s older she felt like she should be the first one married.
I wouldn’t be too worried about getting her blessing since you didn’t give yours. My sister secretly got married not once, but twice and didn’t tell me either time. I had to find out on my own. And the second time was because she was pregnant and she didn’t tell me all of it until 2 weeks before my wedding (that she was suppopsed to be in-while now 6 months pregnant so her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress didn’t fit). Anway, I kind of know how you are feeling. At the end of the day you just have to watch out for yourself and just worry about your own wedding.
Post # 12
is it important to you that you get her blessing? as long as you’re happy, i don’t think it should matter what she thinks. it’s also weird that she wants to meet in person when she already knows who he is?
i just can’t believe your sister and your mom hid the fact that your sister was engaged too. using "celebration" instead of wedding was kinda weird. is there anything else going on?
Post # 13
There’s a few other annoying things that have happened, but the fact that I feel like my wedding planning isn’t really being acknowledged is the most frustrating. I thought maybe my family was just like that for weddings, but they are really talking her’s seriously it looks like.
I think it’s because I’m still rather young and they don’t feel like I’m serious about getting married. Oh well, I’ll have to prove it at my wedding!
Post # 14
I would just leave it alone. Your sis is being a hyprocrite but its not worth starting a fight over. I have an older sister too and she is getting married before me because i planned to get married in october and she wanted to get married before me. Sisters can be competitive even if they don’t know it. She’s done many hyprocritical things and i don’t say sh*t cause i don’t want to start anything. I have my own life and my own plans. I am happy with my life and don’t give a crap what my fam says. Just forget it and do your own thing 🙂
Post # 15
Yup agree that you have the right to be upset, why does she need for you to receive her approval while she doesn’t want yours in return. But for the sake of a stress-free wedding, just let it go, since you’re going to marry him no matter what right?
Post # 16
I’m sure this is difficult, but I would just try to ignore the issue of your sister’s "blessing." Should your family all get to meet your fiance before the wedding? Absolutely. Should you stress about that, since it’s obviously going to happen at some point? I don’t think so.
On the subject of her wedding, and your family’s reaction to it – and also their reaction to your wedding planning – I would also try to let it go, at least until after the wedding. I don’t know why your parents seem much more excited about her wedding – maybe because it’s happening so soon? If they always expected that you would have no trouble finding a nice guy and getting married, but always worried that she would have trouble, maybe your engagement is just something they expected, while hers is something to really celebrate. I know that’s not fair, but think about it – if you have one kid who you’re convinced is never going to manage to get a high school diploma, it might be a bigger deal when he graduates high school then when your other child graduates from college (because you never doubted he would make it).
Once your sister’s wedding is over, if it still seems like your family doesn’t turn around and get involved in your planning, I would let them know that you feel a little neglected. At that point, there shouldn’t be any reason for them not to concentrate on you.