(Closed) Am I out of line?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. I’d be upset, not because of my own upcoming wedding, but because my sister was trying to be so controlling of my own plans while leaving me out of hers. It sounds like you have it in the right mindset, though: there have been a lot of problems in the past that you acknowledge, and you’re keeping your sister’s happiness in mind right now instead of letting her have it. Instead of confronting your sister, I might try to change how I think about it, which it sounds like you’re already on your way to doing. And maybe the next time she says something about "giving her blessing" (which really, why do you need? Would you not marry your Fiance if your sister said not to after not even knowing the guy very well?), say, "I’ve never met your Fiance, but I’m very happy for you, and I hope you’ll be the same for me."

Post # 4
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well this is a touchy subject. I don’t know how I would react to this situation. It’s rather hyprocritical of your sister to tell you that she wont give you her blessing until she’s talked to your fiance, yet she’s getting married in a month and you’ve never met her fiance. Also, it’s nice of her to try not to steal your thunder, but on the other hand it’s a bit sad that she didn’t tell you bc you are her sister and would like to get excited for and with her. I think that she’s being a big sister and being protective. Sometimes being an older sibling makes you hold many double standards. But you are doing the right thing in not addressing this with her until she’s through with getting married. Now isn’t the time to talk about it. After you can plan a sisters’ night and talk it all out. It’s important to discuss this before your big day so that you don’t hold any grudges against her, because even if you don’t think it will, you’ll end up feeling worse and not truly enjoying the most special time of your life. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I just wanted to put in my two cents.  I saw that you mentioned there was a "cultural thing" about having people at your wedding that you don’t know, and I became curious.  What culture are you referring to?  I only ask because it could possibly apply to your situation.

If you happen to be of Asian cultural background, keep in mind that traditionally, the oldest sibling marries first, followed by the next oldest, etc.  In fact, when my brother got engaged(and then married!) before I did, people were really suprised that I wasn’t even remotely upset.  To be honest, I didn’t even think about that before someone asked me about it!

As for feeling as though you aren’t excited because your family treats your sister’s fiance as a "real" in-law, remember that families don’t intentionally hurt you – it’s just that it’s easier to get excited about and focus on the most immediate thing.  I’m sure it’s in no way intentionally hurtful towards you.

Don’t worry – after your sister gets married, you’ll get all the attention!  Who knows…you might end up wishing they would ignore you! 🙂

Congratulations, and good luck!

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

You mentioned it’s a cultural thing…that’s your clue right there! In most cultures and older times…the eldest marries first anything else is considered rude.

Give them time…once your sister is married maybe they’ll turn around…but to be honest…if your family is making big plans and celebrating the "real" thing…I wouldn’t be surprise that your wedding becomes an afterthought.

It looks like your family is playing favorites so you might wanna be ready for some disappointment. 

Good luck!

P.S. By not giving her blessing maybe your sister was hoping to stall your wedding planning until she could get her wedding off the ground. If you’re frustrated over this…you have the right…and it’s very classy of you to wanna wait until her wedding is over to discuss her double standards.

After reading your story…nowhere did I think..your sister was looking out for you! Sorry. 

Post # 9
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t think you’re being a jerk at all. I’d feel the same way.

Stick it out, at least until your sister is married, and see if things become a little more reasonable at that point. If it doesn’t, then you could consider making some other plans. 

Post # 10
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

yuck, I definitely think she just couldn’t be happy for you because she wanted to get married first…it is very hypocritical, but you are right to wait until after the wedding…maybe you can ask your parents why you need a traditional wedding & she can have a quickie wedding…if you sister acts like SHE is the one big on tradition (by wanting to marry first) then why wouldn’t she be the one with the traditional wedding & let you do your non-traditional wedding?

Post # 11
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She is definately being a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t say that she’s trying to steal your thunder.  Maybe because she’s older she felt like she should be the first one married. 

I wouldn’t be too worried about getting her blessing since you didn’t give yours.  My sister secretly got married not once, but twice and didn’t tell me either time.  I had to find out on my own.  And the second time was because she was pregnant and she didn’t tell me all of it until 2 weeks before my wedding (that she was suppopsed to be in-while now 6 months pregnant so her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress didn’t fit).  Anway, I kind of know how you are feeling.  At the end of the day you just have to watch out for yourself and just worry about your own wedding.  

Post # 12
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

is it important to you that you get her blessing? as long as you’re happy, i don’t think it should matter what she thinks. it’s also weird that she wants to meet in person when she already knows who he is?

 i just can’t believe your sister and your mom hid the fact that your sister was engaged too. using "celebration" instead of wedding was kinda weird. is there anything else going on?

Post # 14
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would just leave it alone. Your sis is being a hyprocrite but its not worth starting a fight over.  I have an older sister too and she is getting married before me because i planned to get married in october and she wanted to get married before me.  Sisters can be competitive even if they don’t know it.  She’s done many hyprocritical things and i don’t say sh*t cause i don’t want to start anything.  I have my own life and my own plans.  I am happy with my life and don’t give a crap what my fam says.  Just forget it and do your own thing 🙂

Post # 15
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yup agree that you have the right to be upset, why does she need for you to receive her approval while she doesn’t want yours in return. But for the sake of a stress-free wedding, just let it go, since you’re going to marry him no matter what right?

Post # 16
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m sure this is difficult, but I would just try to ignore the issue of your sister’s "blessing."  Should your family all get to meet your fiance before the wedding?  Absolutely.  Should you stress about that, since it’s obviously going to happen at some point?  I don’t think so.

On the subject of her wedding, and your family’s reaction to it – and also their reaction to your wedding planning – I would also try to let it go, at least until after the wedding.  I don’t know why your parents seem much more excited about her wedding – maybe because it’s happening so soon?  If they always expected that you would have no trouble finding a nice guy and getting married, but always worried that she would have trouble, maybe your engagement is just something they expected, while hers is something to really celebrate.  I know that’s not fair, but think about it – if you have one kid who you’re convinced is never going to manage to get a high school diploma, it might be a bigger deal when he graduates high school then when your other child graduates from college (because you never doubted he would make it). 

Once your sister’s wedding is over, if it still seems like your family doesn’t turn around and get involved in your planning, I would let them know that you feel a little neglected.  At that point, there shouldn’t be any reason for them not to concentrate on you.

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