(Closed) Am I out of line?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sorry, I didn’t read your entire post. Just your question. I do not think it’s out of line to tell your future in laws to refrain from inviting people, mostly because that’s what we did. We emphasized that it’s OUR wedding so it’s up to US who we are inviting. I’ve had to remind my parents of this SEVERAL TIMES, they get butt hurt and upset but in a few days they calm down and wait for it…. admit I WAS RIGHT =D. (we are paying for the wedding with the help of my parents)

Post # 4
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly… I don’t think your in-laws are going to listen to a word you have to say. BUT, I would emphasize that you do not want any possible confrontation on your wedding day adnd you think it will be better if M is not invited. If they balk and freak out and refuse to pay for anything, elope. It sounds like your Fiance is attempting to stand up for you and himself in this situation, but it sounds like he needs to speak up more.

I’m sorry I can’t give better advice, but seriously, put your foot down or be prepared to cut your losses and do what you need to do.

“M” sounds like a colossal pain in the ass and I wouldn’t want her at my wedding either. Best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
14661 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It sounds like if you try to explain things to your in laws they arent going to believe it anyways.   If they are letting her get all that money from them, thats their choice.  What does her racking up a CC bill have to do with the ILs… did they give her a card??  Her CC card debt should be HER problem, right?  You cant change how they view the two of you, no matter what a bitch she is, and no matter how much you do for them.  Seems like they are blind to it, and honestly, I think you should just avoid contact with them, but play nice in forced family situations, including the wedding to keep the peace.  You’ll be so busy you wont even notice them. 

Edit: I know my view probably differs from most other bees here, but this is probably one of the biggest cultural differences I encounter here.  Most Americans will say, you dont want them there, its YOUR wedding, YOU get to say who gets the invite. However, it’s quite different in an Asian culture.  You may really not want her there, but if she is as close and a god daughter as you say, its simply unthinkable and not allowable/forbidden to not include her, esp if most of the extended family is invited, which usually they are also.  It’s just not that easy, especially when their money is involved as you mention.  Unless you are willing to say forget the whole wedding and elope, just to not have this one person attend, there will be trouble with the in laws in my opinion.

Post # 7
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Straight forward and to the point. “We want to cancel our wedding here and have it elsewhere. We will refund your deposit money.” Period. Don’t say anymore than you NEED to. Don’t go off on a diatribe about how horrible this God sister is and/or is making your lives. Your in-laws already took her side. Not much you can do to change their opinion of her.

She must have done something good for them for which they think of her as their own daughter. Why else would anyone in their right minds do that?

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Can’t you confront her on the lying?? Maybe do a three way call, or record the conversation with her, so you can prove that she is the one causing the drama. NO matter what they say, they can’t dispute hearing what she has to say with their own ears

Post # 11
Member
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

First of all I totally agree with @zippylef: and@Sasha2011:. I wouldn’t want her there either. I disagree with trying to do a sting operation to catch her in lie, that will make you look crazy and cause more harm than good. You are under no obligation to interact with her moving forward. Limit your contact with her. End of story.

I’m not clear on something, so i’m a little confused. How is she making you change your plans? By eloping? Do you want a big/local wedding, but if she’s invited you will elope? So eloping to Hawaii was never on table before this?

And there is no thing like “free” money. There is always a condition.

 

Post # 12
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@ChickFromDC: Or call her while his parents are around, without her knowing they are there. They can’t argue or explain it away if you either record or they hear it for themselves. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yeah you are in a tight spot. If the larger wedding is your dream then go with it. Honestly one person who isn’t even you mom, sis or dad should not have that much power over you. Screw her. You will have so many things to worry about your day that she won’t even phase you. Bring up not inviting her, once, if they push back, move on. Do not compromise your vision for one person.  I know its easier said then done, but if you get into the mind state that she’s a non factor, by March is should be easier. Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well keep us updated. I swear why does ‘family’ make the simplest things so damn hard? SMH

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