(Closed) Am I out of line?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would just tell your sister that the shoes are pretty, however you want the bridesmaids to wear sandals because it will go better with the overall look. You can remind her that if she shows up wearing stilletos when everyone else is wearing sandals, she will look like an oddball next to everyone. I think you have every right to tell her she can’t wear them, especially when you and your Fiance have bought everything for them except their shoes! I completely understand your frustration, and yes it would be very frustrating to me also! I think I know the shoes she bought and yes they would clash. I would just try to tell her nicely that you want sandals. If she starts giving you trouble, then you can get a little more boisterous about it. Just remember, it’s your wedding and not hers. The best piece of advice that anyone has given me for the wedding is this, "please yourself. Once you start trying to please everyone else, you will end up upset and not happy with the end result". Good luck!

p.s. if you have seen a pair of sandals that are more of what you want, you could email them to her and just say "wow, look at these sandals that i came across today! they’d be perfect for you to wear to the wedding!"

Post # 4
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I don’t think that you’re out of line at all.  You’re not asking that she wear a specific pair of shoes, just giving some general color and style guidelines, which she is totally ignoring.  I would email her back and let her know that while they are fabulous shoes, they’re not going to work for the wedding.  Then maybe include links to a few pairs of sandals on Zappos or elsewhere that ARE what you had in mind, in case she has any confusion.  IMO you can’t really "ask her to send them back," maybe she would like to have them to wear at other times.  You totally can tell her that they’re not right for the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yeah – I would tell you you like them and you’re sure she will find a great place to wear them, but that you did ask her to get sandals and the ones she’s suggesting are out of line.

Maybe let her wear them at the reception if she wants, but thats it. I don’t think that she needs to return them, she can keepthem all she wants – just not wear them to your wedding.

I think you’re being more then fair and she’s simply steped out of line. 

Post # 6
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I do not think you’re out of line at all, like others suggested I would advise her to wear them another time because she won’t match everyone quite as well.

Post # 8
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

You are not out of line at all.  I gave very specific guidelines to my bridesmaids, and each of them made sure I approved their shoes before purchasing.  That said — I am not a bridezilla, they were given 20 different dresses to choose from and each one is wearing a different dress– I also asked them to wear silver sandals, with no "bling" rhinestones, glitter, etc.. with a 3" or less heel.  So far there have been no issues.  It sounds like you have been very accomodating, so maybe your sister just thinks you really  don’t care that much about those kinds of things.  I am sure she is not trying to be malicious.

Post # 9
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

i would tell her no. You gave guidelines & as hard as it is to find something when youre looking for it in shoe stores, online shoe places like zappos have search features "silver sandals" etc.  i have a shoe story, my Future Sister-In-Law who is in the wedding party bought the same, yes SAME shoes as me, after asking my Fiance if it was okay & him clearly stating to her, no way it is *not* okay to buy the same shoes as the bride! (for the record, our BMs can pick any light colored shoe they want, i didnt even specify a type except no flip flops. i guess i should have mentioned dont buy the same shoes as me, either.) grr!

Post # 10
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it is a tiny detail and some people will notice it but nobody will care.  I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.  If you want them all to wear the same shoe, then tell her that she needs to wear the same shoe.  If you are letting them pick their own style, then let her wear what she chose.  For all she knows the fact that they are not closed toe pumps meant to her that they qualified as sandals. 

Post # 11
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it is a tiny detail and some people will notice it but nobody will care.  I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.  If you want them all to wear the same shoe, then tell her that she needs to wear the same shoe.  If you are letting them pick their own style, then let her wear what she chose.  For all she knows the fact that they are not closed toe pumps meant to her that they qualified as sandals. 

Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

ita with misschickie…

but you feel how you feel, so if it bothers you that much, maybe sugest a different pair… to me it sounds like you’re more mad that she got 4" heels when u were going to get smaller heel and now she’ll be taller, wich in your mind translates to her getting more attention b/c of it??  sounds more like sister/sibling issues than a shoe issue…

good luck!

 

Post # 14
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I don’t think you’re crazy! I’d be PO’ed if my sister did that!! Good luck!!

Post # 15
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

How about calling her instead or buy her the sandals you want. Siblings will be siblings even if she already had her turn…maybe is also a bit of jealousy.

 In the end I think she will be the one suffering with the shoes.

Post # 16
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Have you tried Sweeney2Be’s suggestion of asking her to wear your choice of shoes for the ceremony & formal pictures and then letting her change out for the reception?  It’s a happy compromise, I think.  I also think she’ll be amenable if you tell her you just want consistency for the pictures, and that you have no problem with her changing into the shoes she chose for the reception.  Furthermore, you might make it an olive branch gesture by actually buying her the shoes yourself.  Weddings bring up all sorts of emotions with people, so hopefully she will turn it around on your wedding day.  Maybe she doesn’t feel that she has enough duties/will be singled out in a special way as your sister & moh–if you’re up to it you could find something to do that would give her the mini spotlight she is looking for–maybe something at the rehearsal dinner. 

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