Am I over reacting?

posted 11 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
473 posts
Helper bee

You shouldn’t be married to someone whose finances are a secret to you. 

Post # 4
161 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think it’s reasonable that you want to know how the finances are being spent. I think your husband is assuming that you want to control what he is doing with his money instead of understanding that you would just like to know (and I assume, possible make joint decisions regarding finances). 

Post # 5
2709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

away84691 :  I would be majorly pissed. The fact that he won’t even disclose the exact amt is adding insult to injury. Thus the answer to your question is,  no,  you’re definitely *not* “over reacting”! He is behaving like a tool.

Post # 6
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Why is he so secretive about his money?

Post # 7
606 posts
Busy bee

This is a major red flag to me. He doesn’t sound entirelly trustworthy when it comes to finances tbh.

Post # 9
5186 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

away84691 :  “I get it that it’s his mom and he sees her once a year and they don’t have a lot of money but I think I deserve a heads up.”

Well if you keep your finances separate, which you do, then not getting a heads up shouldn’t really be a surprise. If you didn’t like the idea of separate finances why did you get married?

My mom lives far away and I only see her a few times a year, she also makes less money than us so when she comes to stay I try to treat her as much as possible. I have always tried to do this and if my husband told me I couldn’t I would be really pissed off. 

Granted our finances are part split part separate and I wouldn’t like my husband dictating how I spend my discretionary money.

Post # 10
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I have no problem with Darling Husband spending his money how he pleases however, the caveat to that is that he can’t be blowing huge amounts of cash and not make his monthly savings target (retirement, personal investments/house deposit fund). Savings are the first priority, and any money left after that and expenses can be spent however he pleases (with larger purchases at least being mentioned). The same goes for me and I keep a spreadsheet tracking exactly what all my outgoings are. 

Your Darling Husband is wanting splash the cash with earnings from his first job without realising the effect is has. I think everyone goes through that phase with their first role but the difference here is that he has more responsibilities to think of.

Did you both discuss finances and goals prior to getting married?

Post # 11
10459 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

away84691 :  

Dh was touchy about his finances at first, but that was fear-based behavior.  His ex w (bipolar, refused treatment) cleaned him out.  Ran up every cc and emptied every bank account.

He had a couple of accounts to which I had no access.  I (correctly) pointed out that if something were to happen to him, there would be no way for me to have use of those funds without a very expensive court order.

That made sense to him and he loosened up.  He’s gotten rid of those accounts, though he did give passwords while still had them.

Keeping finances separate in a marriage is not inherently problematic. As long as both parties agree to it and are comfortable with it. Hopefully, they will explore and communicate around their need to do that.

But, for a wife to not know what her husband earns is unfathomable. For some reason, Bee, you were willing to accept this.  It will be very difficult, if not impossible to get him to open up now.

I’d certainly want to know where his money goes.

A $400 TV for mom may be entirely reasonable, depending on your budget. Or, it could be completely insane, if it creates financial strain.

Many couples set an agreed limit on spending, ie we each can spend up to $100 on anything without having to discuss it first. Couples find numbers that make sense for them.

I would be way more concerned about his stealthy money behavior.  What is he hiding?  The possibilities are nearly endless. I’d probably be willing to hire a PI for this one, if he was keeping me that much in the dark.

Keep in mind that people do project their faults onto others.  Remember that if or when he tells you he keeps his money separate because you’re not trustworthy.

Post # 12
11791 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

It sounds as if you really are not on board with totally separate finances. FTR, I would not be either, and separate or not, certainly not with all the secrecy and lies. Having to snoop to uncover his income is totally unacceptable. 

You’re right to say that without much savings or a plan and a budget, you won’t be able to afford a home, a layoff, kids, or any kind of emergency, let alone to start planning for the future.

I would not be willing to continue on this path. He would either have to agree to see a financial advisor or a marriage counselor, preferably both. The family situation obviously adds another layer of complication to this.

Post # 15
3774 posts
Honey bee

If you’ve had to bail him out when he’s short of funds then his finances are definitely your business. I couldn’t be with someone with an attitude like his.

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