(Closed) Am I over-reacting?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a tough one.  Maybe it’s not confirmed yet & they are just tossing around ideas?  Either way he should probably talk to you about the plans before confirming them.

However, if he knows you get mad about strip clubs, yes, he may be hiding it.

I would just tell him how you found what you know and CALMLY get his side of the story.

Post # 4
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes, he is hiding it from you because “you get mad every time”! LOL 

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I don’t know what kind a guy he is, but if you tell him he might get mad because he might think that you were snooping. Just ask him if he was planning on doing something with his friends before the wedding and see what he says.

Post # 7
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@happyface:  +1. It’s not unusual for guys to avoid mentioning things to prevent conflict. However, I do think it’s too soon to be sure that he wasn’t going to tell you about the guys night, he was probably just waiting to spring it on you at the right moment.

Post # 8
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

There are lots of things you husband does in a day that he doesn’t tell you about– is he hiding all of those things from you too? Probably not. My point is, just because he hasn’t brought it up doesn’t mean he’s intentionally keeping it from you.  More than likely he just hasn’t thought about it at a time he could easily tell you.  And more over, he probably wouldn’t want to mention the strip club part knowing that you don’t like it– but also knowing that you accept that he goes with his friends on occasion. 

I am in a similar position as you on the topic– I don’t like it when he goes because it feeds into my own insicurities, but I realize that it’s something that he and his friends enjoy doing a few times a year; so we have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy on the topic (same goes for porn although that’s a whole seperate thing).  He’s not lieing to me, because he already knows it’s something I’m not all together comfortable with but I accept that it’s what they do, so he saves me the discomfort and just keeps it to himself.  If I ever asked what he was doing/where he was going, he’d never lie to me– but in this instance, it’s more comfortable for both of us if it’s not brought up in conversation.  I trust him completely, and have never had a reason to doubt that, so I prefer to keep it as an “out of sight out of mind” situation when it comes up. 

Post # 9
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I am going to side with you. I would be pissed. He should communicate with you those types of things. He should have brought it up in casual conversation. My rule has always been you can go put don’t expect getting any after.

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@buslam69:  Maybe it’s not set in stone yet and he is figuring out the best way to break it to you?

I probably wouldn’t be too pleased if my guy was planning a trip to the strip club, but I guess it comes down to trust. I’ve been to a strip club before and honestly it isn’t all that exciting!

Do you have any context? Is it a bachelor party etc.?

I don’t think you need to worry too much.

Post # 12
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

He might be waiting until they know for sure they’re going, or he may be waiting until “the right time” to bring it up. I would give it a week or two and see if he mentions it. If not, I would definitely talk to him about it. I woulnd’t be okay with it either :/.

Post # 13
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@buslam69:  I would be more worried about and consider it absolutely not OK to “conversations with other girls on facebook telling them how cute they are or offering to give them massages…” and would never have married him.

So with this new information I would be upset because he has a shady history. However, if I had not known this other piece, I would not have been upset. 

Post # 14
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t know that I would say you are “over-reacting” as much as I would say you are being passive agressive and not dealing with this in a healthy adult way.

YOU have a problem with your husband going to strip clubs.  Admit it.  And then figure out how you are going to deal with the fact that you have a husband that enjoys something you dislike.  But you can’t tell him you’re ok with it and “not get mad every time”, but get mad some times or when you feel like he hasn’t been “upfront enough” with you.  This is inconsistent and does NOTHING to help either one of you.

 

Think of it this way…. if your husband HATES that you shoe shop and are constantly buying shoes and some times he ignores your shoe shopping with a few huffs and sometimes he tells you you’re materialistic and he hates the money you spend when you have perfectly good black shoes in the closet…… would you tell him you planned lunch with the girls that *might* include a stop at Manolo?  Heck no.   You’d whisper it as you went out the door so you didn’t have to hear his shit.  He either accepts your shoe habit and allows YOU to be the adult and set your own limits or you have a talk about it and make decisions together about your behavior.

 

FYI – not ALL guys like going to strip clubs… this is NOT what “guys do” it’s what SOME guys do.  You happen to have fallen in love and married a guy who does.  So you just have to figure out how to either let it go or establish a dialogue with him that will work for both of you.

Post # 15
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i know this is a tough call.

and i could go on a rant about this.

it IS something that is innocent as long as your guy isn’t a jerk.

but i hate that we live in this culture where women have to be okay with something that at their core makes them uncomfortable because going to strip clubs to check out boobs is “what guys do”. ughhh

 

ETA: yeah just saw your post about the FB messages… that is NOT okay.

Post # 16
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@buslam69:   IMO, his behavior is way out of line. 

He knows you check his email and FB.  He’s blatantly communicating in a sexual way with other women.  Doesn’t even care if you know, obviously.

Why, exactly, are you putting up with so much disrespect from him?

How would he feel if you did/said the exact same things with other men that he’s doing/saying with other women?

Unless you’ve agreed to have an open relationship this is really messed up on his part.

You are UNDER-reacting.  You’ve only been married since MAY.  His behavior is completely inappropriate and totally disrespectful to your marriage.

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