(Closed) Am I over-reacting?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@deetroitwhat

I think what @Tiffmorris was referring to was the time spent in strip clubs, not the facebook messages. Another poster upthread commented that if the woman in the relationship is not comfortable with him going, out of respect and love for her he needs to not do it. I don’t think that’s a fair statement either. They should discuss it, along with her reasons as to why she hates it. If it’s just, “I don’t like you looking at other naked women because I don’t like the thought of you getting turned on by them” well, then sorry to say I just don’t think that’s a very good reason. I think in that case the woman does seem highly insecure and unrealistic, honestly- a guy doesn’t become blinded to other women just because he’s married. I mean, if it’s causing her some serious anxiety the guy may decide it’s not worth upsetting her, but it needs to be a fair discussion, not just, I don’t like it, so you can’t do it, or, if you really loved me, you wouldn’t go.

Sending women messages offering massages is obviously a completely different, and if you ask me, unrelated story.

Post # 33
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@deetroitwhat:  Exactly! If you wanted to act like a single guy then you should never have gotten married!  Thankfully my Fiance is on the same page when it comes to stuff like this – then again I never would have dated him if he wasn’t. 

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@
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Tiff: It’s naive to think sex doesn’t happen in strip clubs. It most certainly does.  Lots of things besides girls on stage naked happen in strip clubs.

Personally, I think if your man is going to cheat he is going to regardless of if he goes to strip clubs or if you have the passwords to all his email/fb accounts and if he says its okay to check his phone. 

Post # 35
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@buslam69:   Please remember that you teach people how to treat you in life.

It’s useless to be silently upset over him going to strip clubs and think he will ever change that behavior.  He won’t.

If it bothers you a lot, you need to be honest and upfront with him about it.  Don’t be a controlling bitch, but be an honest wife.

I don’t like the idea of my Fiance going to strip clubs, either, but I’m fortunate that he doesn’t like them and agrees that it’s a waste of money and not something he’s interested in doing.

Just be honest with your husband and expect the respect due a wife.  He made a commitment to you, he should honor your wishes, or at least listen to them.  If he still wants to go he needs to explain in a way that makes you feel comfortable why he enjoys going.  Maybe it’s just an innocent bonding-with-the-guys thing for him and harmless.  You deserve to know his reasons for going, not just accept that “that’s the way guys are,” NO it is NOT the way guys are.  Some are, some are not that way.

Try talking to him about the email.  I believe he forgot, it’s a month away and very possible he was planning to mention it to you later, I wouldn’t be upset about that part.  Just ask why he feels the need to go to strip clubs.  Maybe you could go along with him sometime and see what it’s all about (I probably would go if my Fiance wanted to).  Give him the benefit of the doubt but make your feelings known at the same time.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 36
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@buslam69: I’m sorry but this is ia huge red flag to me: “He said that it was all a joke and he was just kidding around. “

My ex used to say everything was a joke – really telling another girl she will enjoy your new king sized bed is a joke? Those things aren’t jokes!  I’m sorry but I wouldn’t  believe that BS for one second.  Would you ever tell other guys they’re hot as a joke? I’m guessing not.

Don’t let him get away with his silly excuses.  What he did is not okay.  Hopefully it stopped, but if it hasn’t, I would seriously be re-evaluating the relationship.

Post # 37
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@buslam69:  You are not overreactin if those things are in play as well! I would be concerned, and very upset. A husband should not be talking to other women flirtatiously and definitelyoffering them massages. If those things weren’t the case, and this was just about the guys night I would say you’re fine and overreacting. He should have eyes for only you. I understand men are men, but there’s a difference betweenlogging to club with the guys, and getting online to talk to other women inappropriately. :/ Good luck! I hope you can Communicate together and straighten things out.

Post # 38
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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TO Buslam69:  First off (( HUGS )) because I know this is no doubt an emotional issue for you… especially so in light of his past indiscretions…

Strip Clubs are one thing… I certainly don’t like them, mostly because I am VERY AWARE of what goes on at them

**

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NOTE TO Tiffmorris:  you are very naive if you don’t think / know that Strip Clubs are a front for a lot of other sexual activity… you need to learn more about “Champagne Rooms” where many many sex acts happen, both for men and women… digital penetration, BJs, and either on-site or off-site full-on sex.  This is precisely WHY most women don’t like them… too much temptation (and a view that this is “what men do”… and “acceptable cheating”)

In my life, I am in the same boat as 

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Sunfire:  in that I am lucky in that Mr TTR doesn’t like Strip Clubs at all … he finds them very gross, in addition to a BIG waste of money (why pay to look at naked women, when you can do that for FREE at home with someone you love?)

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Buslam69: your being upset with your Hubby over this (and in particular not telling you) is understandable… he needs to be more respectful of your feelings IMO

BUT more telling for me, and disturbing is your UPDATE back in Reply # 10 where you wrote…

yes we are already married and he did go for his bachelorette party just 4 months ago. Plus he does know I have access to all his accounts and I have found other things I am not comfortable with such as him having conversations with other girls on facebook telling them how cute they are or offering to give them massages…all of which just seem very inapproriate to me anyways. Maybe I am over reacting about that too. I just hate the idea of him eying other girls instead of me. When I was younger I hoped I would be with a man that wanted me and only me and didn’t need those other things.I also hate that he didn’t tell me…

And in particular, the part that I’ve underlined… this speaks volumes for me…

Honestly, if you wanted that (and WHO doesn’t) then you should have dated / married a man that was capable of delivering that to you (with honour, respect and love).

I have that in my man… because I intentionally made a point of looking for that in my relationship.

As the other ladies have said, you have what you have now because you chose it… Dating is a lot like shopping… if you go out looking for a pair of pants, and bring home a blouse, you can’t exactly complain that the blouse isn’t what you wanted, and you can’t make a blouse into a pair of pants (no matter how hard you try… just isn’t enough to work with)

Men are the same… you can tell a guy how you feel, but in the end he is what he is… you aren’t going to be able to make him into something he isn’t (the one thing I’ve learned in life is about men, is they don’t have much motivation to change in life, they are quite comfortable with who they are… if a girl doesn’t like ’em that way… they just decide that the girl isn’t for them… us gals we need to be more like them in that regard). 

We shouldn’t settle because we figure we won’t find something we like… nothing says you have to buy something on the first trip to the store… new merchandise comes in all the time, and eventually you’ll find something that you LOVE and fits you perfectly !!

Hopefully, you guys can work thru this latest bump in the road… at this point honestly it might be a good idea to get some couples counselling, so that a Therapist can help you both learn more about Marriage and getting your lifeplans on track (the same course)… it will also teach you ways to improve communications so some of these issues are avoided BEFORE they happen… and your Hubby will better understand what your “vision” of a married couple looks like in light of the fact that the majority of his friends are single (I agree, some of his actions do look a lot more like a “single guy” than a married man)

(( HUGS )) again,

Post # 39
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

you are very naive if you don’t think / know that Strip Clubs are a front for a lot of other sexual activity… you need to learn more about “Champagne Rooms” where many many sex acts happen, both for men and women… digital penetration, BJs, and either on-site or off-site full-on sex.  This is precisely WHY most women don’t like them… too much temptation (and a view that this is “what men do”… and “acceptable cheating”)

I completely disagree with this. Not the fact that sex and other stuff happens in strip clubs, but that the issue is strip clubs themselves. The fact that some strip clubs offer a venue for extramarital sex is not the problem. The problem is the men who GO LOOKING for the venues. I have absolutely no problem with my husband going to a strip club because I trust that even if some stripper is willing to make some extra cash by offering him a BJ, he won’t accept it. Furthermore, if my husband was looking to cheat on me, he wouldn’t need to go to a strip club to do it.

Post # 41
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OP you are not a controlling bitch, as you say, if you confront your husband about your dislike of going to strip clubs! It’s your preference, and he should know your concern and ideally respect it. J have the same view and Fiance respects me and so doesn’t go because he doesn’t want me to be hurt and upset. I sometimes smoke an occassional cigarette when out with my friends drinking but have stopped because he told me he doesnt like it. It may not be a big deal to me, but I know it is to him and so I respect his request. Neither of us have “forbidden” the other to do something, it’s about respect and compromise for the sake of the partner and the relationship.

It sounds like from the FB messages and not filling you in on the planning of a guys night out that there is a lack of respect in the relationship from his end. Thats just my opinion. I could never imagine my Fiance doing those things and if he did he would definitely hear it fro

me as I cannot stand being disrespected in my own relationship. Fiance and I always I’ll e/o in on plans out of courtesy, and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request (ok I may have occassionally forgotten or thought I already told him, but it’s never intentional!)

Post # 42
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@Tatum:  Agree.  Plus, not all strip clubs allow sexual behavior.  Some do, sure, but definately not all.  There’s a lot of good ones that pay very close attention to their girl’s rights and customers who might be looking for more than viewing.  Those customers kindly get the boot.  It’s a gross overgeneralization for anyone to think that all strip clubs are a front for sexual activity, not to mention extremely naive and paraniod.

@OP:  I agree with PP, I had not read the part about facebook when I wrote my first comment.  I wouldn’t have a problem with the stip clubs in and of themselves, but this new information changes things.  I think you need to have a serious discussion about what you each want and expect out of your marriage and see if you’re on the same page, or how to get to the same page if you’re not already.  Couple’s counseling is a very good idea, and not only for when things are questionable.  However, I do think he’s showing some questionable behavior with the facebook stuff. 

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