(Closed) Am I over reacting? FI's Female friend and boundrys, Long

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I over reacting?

    Yup over reacting- crazytown : Population: you

    Nope, I would have issues too

    Other ( explain)

    I like polls.

  • Post # 32
    Member
    4322 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

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    @imalittlebirdie:  Yeah, he needs to shut that shit down, pronto!

    Post # 33
    Member
    3682 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Her husband checks her phone because he knows she cheated.  She’s trying to imply that it was your fiance she cheated with, and she’s sending inappropriate texts to him.  Is she trying to get his ass beaten by her husband???

    He needs to cut her the hell off.  

    Post # 35
    Member
    1975 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    i think your problem lies with your Fiance not his friend. As you said this is the way she is. maybe she is just an over sharer. Those msgs look to me like you Fiance is enjoying the conversation. TBH i think he is only agreeing with you when he says he finds it inappropriate. Or maybe he knows it is and likes that! I do not see any uncomfortability in his replys!

    Post # 36
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @HelleCat:  +1

    He seriously needs to tell her to back off and he needs to stop interacting with her. Ignoring her won’t do any good. He needs to physically tell her that what she’s doing isn’t appropriate and far from appreciated.

    I can see why you both are uncomfortable and you have every reason to be. It doesn’t help that he replies back and keeps the conversations going. What I got out of those messages were lame attempts at talking about sex with your Fiance. Put an end to it now because when you’re married it could escalate into something even more inappropriate than what it is now.

    This is coming from someone who is a royal bitch when such things happen because it’s happened to me and I have zero tolerance for it.

    Good luck!

    Post # 37
    Member
    9478 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think your Fiance may have been curious as to what she was trying to get at, but not in a bad way.  I agree though that he should stop giving into that sort of attention though.  It’s only asking for trouble because she’s only looking for it.

    Post # 38
    Member
    2582 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @imalittlebirdie:    I wish I could link you to my post about our boundary issue, but I wrote about it under an anon account I can’t access anymore.  But here’s the thing – you may not have to put yourself in the position of telling him he has to cut her off.  Heres why:  if you have a rational chat about your boundaries, and you guys agree on a line, and he explains that to her – its up to HER whether or not she respects those boundaries.   If she DOES, its only fair to forgive and let this slide.  If she does NOT respect the boundaries, she is making it clear to your Fiance that she isn’t being respectful to her friends relationship, and why would he want to be friends with someone who would knowingly do something that causes tension in his relationship?

    Post # 40
    Member
    2582 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @imalittlebirdie:  Yup – exactly – you could even say “anything that could be read the wrong way” instead of “inappropriate”  

    Post # 42
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee

    I would suggest, if I may, that your Fiance leave you out of this and simply state his boundary, clearly, and repeat as necessary. Do not engage, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. You can both get your heads all caught up in this nonsense but that’s only if you allow yourselves to.  Your Fiance needs to lay down the law independent of you or he will be perceived as having been persuaded by you to stop the interaction.

    And on a completely arbitrary tangent, although you introduced her into the mix, what the heck does this have to do with your mother?

    Post # 43
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    The thing about somebody with a lack of boundaries that likes to badger people and needle them is that telling her “You make us uncomfortable when you act that way” is that, if she is anything like the people I know like that, that is just going to INCREASE that behavior. She would likely say even MORE inappropriate things and then be like “Oh wait, is that making you uncoooooomfortable?” (I have known many assholes that would behave like this). 

    Instead, like some of the PPs said, shut it down and don’t encourage it. Take it on a case by case basis, but in the example that you showed, I would simply have responded “no” and then stopped responding.

    As soon as she steps over (or even too close) to that line, all you have to do is give a curt, firm answer and then stop responding. That is no more rude than she is being. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @imalittlebirdie:  Welll, if my deductive skills are still with me at this hour, if she thinks you’re crazy then you must be smackdab in the middle of normal.

    Post # 46
    Member
    3637 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    @imalittlebirdie:  These texts are making both you AND Fiance uncomfortable. Now it is natural that they might make you more uncomfortable than they make him because she is giving him attention (I’m not saying that he is a bad person, or anything like that, he’s a human and when someone is giving you attention then it’s natural to like it. Your Fiance shows you all these texts and is very open etc etc I don’t think he is doing anything wrong). Naturally you’ll like this less than he will.

    Given the situation with her DH I think that your Fiance simply needs to ignore any text which is weird/awkward and only answer the ones which are “normal”. 

    She’ll get bored with texting him and move onto someone else

    I think that having an adult conversation about it will just cause more drama and bring it to her attention that you both don’t like it. Just ignoring it means that she’ll just get bored.

    You are not being a fuddy duddy because it makes you both uncomfortable. 

    If your Fiance is going to flirt with someone is may as well be a catch not someone who can’t even spell, he’s got to have standards, jeeze! 😛 (this last sentence was a joke, just in case you couldn’t tell) 

     

     

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