Am I over reacting? Mother of the groom dress

posted 1 week ago in Dress
Post # 31
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, way overracting.

Your Future Mother-In-Law is a grown ass adult and can doesn’t need your approval for her dress.  Champagne is also a very popular color for the mom’s dresses, like everyone has pointed out.  It looks like a lot of MOB/MOG dresses I’ve seen.  I didn’t tell my mom or Mother-In-Law what they could wear to our wedding.  Just because you’re the bride it does not mean you get a say over everything and the moms are not part of the bridal or wedding party.  Let her wear something she feels good in.

Post # 32
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

Here’s the thing bees, the women ASKED for the bride’s approval…. after she didn’t give it, they went ahead with the dress anyway!

It’s not like they just bought the dress and the bride was like, “NO! YOU WILL NOT BE WEARING THAT TO MY WEDDING!”

They opened themselves to the criticisms of the bride and then didn’t listen to her advice. How rude. You guys come at other bees for not listening to a stranger’s internet advice. But defend two ‘grown-ass adult’ women who openly ask for advice from the bride and then go against it.

OP: This behavior was rude. However, the dress doesn’t look too close to the color of your dress.. but I would be more worried about the clear boundary stomp from fmil and fsil. This type of behavior is NOT okay and will continue and escalate. They will meddle in your and FH’s life and when you have children it will get worse. 

Keep your eye out for more behavior like this and think about your past relationship with them and see if you recognize any red flags. Know how you and FH will deal with them and put a stop to them immediately and know that you might have to cut out these people to have a happy, healthy life.

It might seem extreme, but I have personal experience with a boundary stomping, narcissistic Mother-In-Law. You cannot discount your gut feelings. 

Post # 33
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

julies1949 :  I have to agree since I’ve seen plenty of MOB/Gs in champange and gold over the years, so I can see most people not thinking twice about wearing that color to wedding, even with the current trend of blush and champagne wedding gowns. I agree that it’s not reasonable to keep extending the list of forbidden colors.

That said, I don’t know why the SIL would bother showing the bride a picture of the dress if she was going to buy it no matter what. Seems like a good way to create an issue out of nothing. 

Post # 34
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

lemonsandlife71 :  I’m betting that the SIL showed the OP the dress because she was excited about it, and asking her opinion was maybe out of courtsey, not really expecting the OP to have such a strong opinion.  And if my Future Sister-In-Law told me that she hated the dress (which there is nothing really to hate about it) and I knew my mom felt really good in it, I would be upset.  Maybe the SIL overstepped a bit.  But that still doesn’t discount the idea that the bride should NOT be telling the moms what to wear.

Post # 35
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

lemonsandlife71 :  Actually the OP didn’t say the mom asked about the dress, just that the SIL sent her a photo of the dress.  It doesn’t sound like they were asking if Mother-In-Law could wear it but more saying look at this dress we found for Mother-In-Law. 

Yesterday my fiancé’s sister sent a picture of a dress for her mom to wear to the wedding. I told her that I did not like it nor did my fiancé.

It might seem extreme, but I have personal experience with a boundary stomping, narcissistic Mother-In-Law. You cannot discount your gut feelings. 

Honestly to me it sounds like OP is the only one boundary stomping by thinking she is reasonable in demanding her Future Mother-In-Law picks a new dress jsut because she doesn’t like it. 

Post # 36
Member
3736 posts
Sugar bee

The correct response when they asked for your “approval” would have been “She can dress in anything that makes her feel beautiful.  She doesn’t need to run it by me.”

Yes, you are overreacting.  People will still know the person in the big lace dress standing at the front of the room saying vows is the bride.  You’ll get plenty of attention no matter what color she wears.

 

ETA:  And actually, reading PP, I know realize they maybe weren’t even asking for approval.  In which case the correct response was keep your mouth shut, realize you don’t get to control what a grown adult wears, and if you must say something keep it limited to “That’s great!” or “Looks nice!”  The correct response was not to immediately selfishly wonder how someone else’s clothes might affect you (spoiler alert: they don’t) and then try to control them.

Post # 37
Member
7319 posts
Busy Beekeeper

The dress looks fine and is not remotely inappropriate. What was inappropriate was you telling your sil you dont like the dress. 

But , don’t worry, weddings can make us all crazy. I’d try to move on from this and not make it a hill to die on. You know your mil…if you think she honestly chose this dress to piss you off, then the best way to handle that is to say nothing about it. Don’t give her the satisfaction of flipping out over it – that would just be playing into her games.

Post # 38
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds like Mother-In-Law and SIL knew you’d have a negative reaction to a dress, so to prove their point, they sent you a pic, then purchased it to get a reaction out of you. Is this the first dress you’ve disapproved of, or are you turning your nose up an anything she likes? If she’s paying for it, let it go. I have two future MILs, and my only wish is they feel comfortable and pretty in whatever they chose. 

Post # 39
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 1993 - NJ

I don’t know why you care. Does anybody really think that the guests won’t know who the bride is, or they will get the 2 of you mixed up? 

My mom was super picky and hard to fit, so for my wedding, I was so anxious that she get something, that I didn’t care what color it was. After one long boring fruitless dress search, I told her to go to the local store by herself, and if she didn’t buy something, anything, she was going to wear her polyester pants and 10 years old blouse. She found something. 

It was a 2 piece pink dress. It was fine. She then tells me when the time comes, I can bury her in it, too. I didn’t.

Post # 40
Member
10978 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

lemonsandlife71 :   The mother did not ask for the OP’s approval. The SIL shared a photo of the dress that her mother had chosen. They went “back and forth” about it, probably because the SIL could not believe what she was hearing.

Contrary to what some people seem to think, imposing a color pallette on the mothers is contradictory to any etiquette on the subject. The mothers can choose on their own to pick a color that coordinates, but that should be up to them. 

As for fathers needing to match the groomsmen, that is another total etiquette fallacy. They only appeared to match back in the day because menswear was always fairly standardized. A black tie wedding would call for a dinner jacket, ie tuxedo, but fathers would wear their own. Same with morning suits, which generations ago were standard attire for a daytime wedding and I think are still popular in the UK if I’m not mistaken. The bottom line is that fathers are meant to dress for the formality of the occasion. They do not have to identically match one another or the groomsmen at all. 

Post # 41
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

brookeee16 :  I also find it very ironic that you made a post 8 months ago complaining that your Future Sister-In-Law doesn’t like your dress and that you don’t care, you love it and are wearing it anyway. 

Post # 42
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

Beige and navy are two of the most popular MOB colors for dresses that I’ve seen.  I’d personally prefer that color over neon orange or something that did not match my bridal colors for group photos. The color seems quite appropriate. It is in the right color palette, reflects the nature of the event appropriately, presumably covers her well because you didn’t mention any issue with how she actually looks. I see no issue here. They are including you, celebrating a “milestone” as a guest by buying a dress and sending it to you. It sounds more like an attempt to be excited with you. Sometimes “I want it to be a surprise” means “I am going to dress up and make myself look pretty so they are proud of me!” Rather than being attention-seeking, it can be meant to honor her son.

It also doesn’t sound like she actually was seeking your permission, but rather sharing excitement that they found a dress.  I imagine every school dance, gala, bridesmaid dress and even my own wedding when I see read this post: finding dresses for your body when you are a female is HARD. Finding “the one” in any situation can be tough. I went through dozens of dresses as a bride in my 20s before I found the one that made me feel pretty. Years later, I still do the same thing. Imagine finally getting to that point and finding the one, and then someone turning it down because they are fussy about, of all things, a bland color. Gold/biege is a bland, neutral color.

Imagine being over 40, body changing, had a child, and then trying to find something you like that doesn’t make you stand out or take attention away, and still makes you feel like you aren’t a clown while you get attention. MOB/MOG do get attention. People do notice what they wear. You do have to look good, or classic, or presentable. And you are featured in photographs. No one ever mistakes a mother for a bride, that’s silly. 

And honestly, it sounds like they bought the dress that day when they found it. I would buy my mother a dress that made her feel good, that was in her size, when we found it in the moment. It wouldn’t be meant to disrespect the bride. In the USA, we have really generous return policies so I would much rather buy what she thought was “the one” then to go running back to a store or ordering the same dress after having already found it. If the bride threw a fit — which I’m sure they didn’t expect — it would be easier to return the dress.

You have so many things to worry about when planning a wedding.  Let go of some of the control on things that don’t matter and focus on the things that are most important to your vision of what your ideal wedding will be. These things are too stressful to include worrying about a pretty innocent article of clothing.

 

Post # 43
Member
5559 posts
Bee Keeper

Dress looks fine. It doesnt remotely look like your dress, and no one will mistake her for the bride. Simmer down.

Post # 44
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

brookeee16 :  In my opinion, that dress does not resemble yours at all. I wouldn’t have even noticed the underlay of your dress was similar. I don’t think it’s really necessary to worry about what someone else is wearing to your wedding. All eyes will be on you even if someone showed up in the same dress. If your Mother-In-Law is comfortable in that dress, awesome! I don’t know that I would personally dictate what MOB or MOG wears. I will definitely give my mom input because I want her to look her best, but I would never tell her she couldn’t wear something she loved. For my SO mother, I can’t really see myself giving any input- her taste is very far from mine and again, I would just want her to look her best! 

Bottomline- I don’t think you’re over reacting per say, but I do think you should let it go. It’s not a big deal and your thought about the two being similar are probably just based on you not wanting anyone to steal your shine- no matter what, no one will!

Post # 45
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - By the lake

Oh, my dear bee… This is petty stuff.  You have way too many things to worry about and this is surely not one of them.  It’s your big day and you should be thinking about you and your husband to be.  Don’t worry about what other people wearing.  Don’t sweat it.  Enjoy your wedding celebration!  Don’t worry… Be happy!!  Life is too short.  Enjoy every moment.  

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