(Closed) Am I over reacting? My fiance has admitted this to me

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

A lot of men in relationships and married men watch pornography. It’s not a reflection on the women in their lives, it’s just something they do. If you are uncomfortable with it you should share that with him, however don’t turn it into you not being enough for him. He watched it before knowing you so it’s probably just something he always did. For many men, one thing has nothing to do with the other. 

Post # 3
413 posts
Helper bee

Did you two go over what was OK for you and/or he to go and what wasn’t?  For example, sex with other people not OK, sexting not OK, etc. and come to an agreement on what boundaries the relationship had?  If not, I think you two should.  And I am sure he watched porn (or whatever it was) not because you didn’t ‘do it for him’, but because it was out of habit, felt risky, has a sex/porn addiction, etc.  There is nothing wrong with you.

Post # 4
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Watching porn has no relation to how he feels about your body, many people watch it, both men and women, single and in relationships. It’s only an issue if he’s watching porn INSTEAD of being intimate with you.

Post # 5
8664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Many, many people watch porn. It does not mean they don’t value their significant other or find them attractive.

Post # 6
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s not “choosing” porn stars over you. His watching porn is not a reflection on you, your relationship, or his attraction to you. If you guys agreed to no porn because it’s a cheating thing, then fine; but if you’re otherwise ok with porn, don’t nurture your insecurities and let them take you down this road. You seem very aware of your insecurities, so it’s time to deal with them once and for all. Foisting them on your partner is not only unfair, it’s going to lead to a lot of resentment. 

Post # 7
83 posts
Worker bee

How much is “pretty often”? Watching porn is actually a pretty normal thing (for both men AND women) so does it watch enough for it to be considered an addiction?? I think the real issue here is your self esteem and your own thoughts about your body, especially since you said “choosing these girls over me”. Does he not have sex with you BECAUSE of watching porn?? I think going to counseling could help. I would say you should go alone and work out your issues if this is truly not an addiction on his part (but I also don’t know the status of your relationship).

Post # 8
2945 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


Sierrap93:   The relationship your SO has with you and the relationship he has with those videos are completely different.  There is no emotional or mental attachment to these people, just physical.  The pleasure anyone gets from that is not as fulfilling as a relationship with the mental and emotional attachments.  He will not feel for any of those people what he does for you. 

In your relationship, though, you are allowed to set boundaries.  If you don’t like it, tell him why, and talk about how he will feel about stopping. 

Post # 9
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club

Many people watch porn married and single. I think men like visual stimulation, but this is not at all a reflection of you, your looks, or how he feels about you. You should talk to him to understand why and how often he watches and make sure you also communicate how it makes you feel.

Post # 10
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My Fiance watches porn by himself, I watch porn by myself, we watch porn together.  It has nothing to do with not being attracted to each other or not wanting to be with each other.

Post # 11
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think since it’s something still new to you and with your lower self esteem about your own body, you are taking it a little harder than most. 

I’m older (46) and about to marry for the second time. I’ve known a lot of guys over the years, marriages, relationships, and talk openly with all of them. I will say that 99% of men watch them, and 99% of men masturbate almost every day.

It’s at the point where if you make it taboo or off limits is when they sneak behind your back and lie to you about it.

Ask him..what is it about the videos that he likes? dislikes? what turns him on about them? Then try and incorporate some of that in your love life. 


If you don’t want him to watch the videos, try and find a happy medium, like just tell him to not tell you about it or if he does, let you reap the benefits from it. Or you can go one step farther and tell him that you want to watch it with him. It’s usually not something they watch for more than 5-10 minutes if that. 

I know I was very closed off about it when I was younger. It wasn’t until I knew that my husband loved me for me, he married me, not them that I became more comfortable with my body.  Then that opened me up more sexually, which in turn opened my mind to watching some with him and getting more comfortable with that. Which of course, excited them. Due to it being “open” he no longer feels a need for it. I think that has a lot to do with men liking women who are confident. Once you find that in yourself, I bet he will no longer seek it in videos.

Post # 12
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

I think that you guys might just need to figur out your boundaries.  The good news is that he’s still giving you affection and physical love, so it sounds like he might have been partaking in a normal dose of screen time… if he was skimping with you or deferring to that method INSTEAD of spending time with you, that would be cause for concern.  With that being said, I think you two need to figure out if this is something that you want in your relationship.  If it is a must for him and a dealbreaker for you, you might need to go separate ways.  If it’s no big deal for him to give it up and you’re ok with that, sounds like it’ll work. 

I have to agree with PP that this is not about you- he clearly loves you and wants to be honest with you about this.  Men are very visual creatures and he’s probably just using these videos as inspiration, not as something he really wants.  And girl, we all feel self-concious about our bodies- especially in those intimate moments.  It sounds like he loves yours, you need to try and appreciate it too!

Post # 13
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sierrap93:  Oh honey, no frets 🙂  That has nothing at all to do with how he feels about you.  Unless it’s causing some sort of issue in your lives (like he can’t be dragged away from it long enough to go out to dinner with you, or you’re not sleeping together because of it), I’d try really hard not to take it personally 🙂

Post # 14
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No, you are not over reacting at all. As I christian, my beliefs from what God’s word tells me is that husband and wife should reserve sex for each other. I know this is not a popular view – but it is a strong belief of mine. But I do not know your background. However, watching pornography is wrong for many reasons, not only is it damaging to the relationship, it is also damaging to the person watching it (addictions, over-sexualisation, etc). 

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