(Closed) Am I over reacting? My fiance has admitted this to me

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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MariContrary:  fully agree!! 

I fully support my Fiance watching porn, it isn’t a reflection on me or our relationship, guys are just in general much more horny and easily turned on. I don’t know about you ladies but I thank my lucky stars that pron exsists and I don’t have to be the one to satisfy every single one of those urges haha 😉 

I think as long as you still have a healthy and active sex life there is nothing wrong at all with each individual also still maturbating on occasion and using whatever means you need to get you off (girls too!) maybe try watching something together and see how it makes you feel! 

Most healthy smart men know porn is fun but unrealistic standard wise, just as we know we are never going to find a penis that is equivalent to our vibrator.

 

Post # 17
Member
25 posts
Newbee

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Sierrap93:  I am not trying to make you feel bad, but guys watch porn. girls do too, and although you may not like the idea of him doing it it’s in his nature. It does not mean he loves you any less. He isnt comparing you to those girls either, but you shouldn’t tell him ” he can’t watch porn” instead tell him you would rather not discuss it if it makes you that uncomfortable. Some people have weird things they do, ( I’m sure you do some things in private that would mortify you if he knew) but porn shouldn’t be an issue ( well at least to me) maybe you should try watching together? It can be a lot of fun 😉

Post # 18
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Sierrap93:  he’s not choosing it over pictures of you he is just spiceing it up. hes not going to look at the same 4 pictures of you over and over, that’s boaring #1 and #2 hea not seeing any action from these pictures. Not to be blunt but most guys want to see penetration and intercourse not just some boobs or a naked body esp past the age of 16. I promise you he used the pictures of you as well (ask him!) my Fiance tells me all the time to send him more pictures but he also still watches porn. its nothing against you or your body. Hope that helps! 

Post # 19
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You don’t have to be ok with it (everyone has different things they are comfortable with), and it sounds like he knows you aren’t. That’s why he told you about it. The lying, to me, would be the more hurtful part, but it does seem like he knows that was a mistake and wants to move forward past it. You WILL feel better in time!

Post # 20
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

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Sierrap93:  I’ll echo what some PP said… just because he watches porn, doesn’t mean he loves you any less, or finds you less attractive. I watch porn, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have sex with my SO or that I don’t find him attractive. I’ve been watching it for years, it’s kind of “me time” to relax if I’m stressed, and I won’t stop that just because I’m getting “real” sex, too. 

Post # 21
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

Everyone handles porn topic differently. You are definitely warranted to feel the way you do. I think it would bother me a little if my Fiance did it, but I’m a little insecure and I hate thinking the may want sex with me, so he can close his eyes and imagine the big boobed blonde he was just watching on tv; which is the total opposite of me. LOL

Post # 22
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have no advice just wanted to let you know your not alone. I hear over and over again that it’s totally normal but whenever I come across his saved pictures of porn it makes me sick to my stomach. 

Post # 24
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I’m going against the grain here… I agree, to each his own, but personally, I would be extremely offended, and would lose all respect for my guy. I would never want my FH getting off to other naked women doing…whatever. 

I understand that temptation is always there (for men and women), but In My Humble Opinion, acting on it is never OK. I 100% view it as cheating. When you have a relationship, I think sexual intimacy belongs ONLY within your marriage or serious relationship, not between my FH and whoever is out there in internet-land.

I do, however, understand that a single guy (or girl) would turn to the internet. Safer than one night stands.

 

Post # 25
Member
9465 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

 

 i have a pretty rockin bod (i’m not trying to brag) AND my husband still watches porn.  it doesn’t bother me in the least. 

Post # 26
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lubeznik Center for the Arts

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Sierrap93:  IMO, men like to see some variety. This is why dressing up in a costume, wearing a wig, ect., is something men like. I think this is just an evolutionary thing – in nature, an animal is more likely to successfully carry on their genetic line by mating with multiple, diverse partners. I don’t think looking at porn thinks he means YOU aren’t hot and beautiful, and as long as it’s not going on every day or in an excessive matter….I don’t think it means anything.

Now, if you are uncomfortable with it for moral/personal/relgious reasons, then I think it’s fair to have a conversation about this with your s/o and discuss boundaries, how porn makes you feel, ect., that’s fair. I just wouldn’t assume anything based on the fact that he watches porn.

Post # 27
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Are we talking about porn? Porn is just a fantasy, it really has nothing to do with you and what you look like whatsoever.

Post # 28
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think you are overreacting. Porn addiction is a real thing and if he is feeling like he can’t control himself or he is spending too much time looking at porn, then he may need counselling.

Post # 29
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

Men are definitely different than women, I know my Fiance indulged in porn and probably does once in a while now, and we did discuss it several times before. I don’t personally appreciate the porn industry, and as a result don’t like to support it, but I understand that his mind works differently from mine and that seeing is a HUGE factor for him (he’s visual, I’m kinesthetic, it’s an interesting mix).

Regardless, your feelings are legitimate. You are ALLOWED to feel upset, or insecure, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re controlling, or that you’re in some way limiting him. Actions and choices are excused simply because ‘men are like that’. He shouldn’t have to get down on his knees and apologize, but at the same time it’s really fantastic that he is apologetic that you’re feeling this way. I discussed my own insecurities with my Fiance when I felt uncomfortable with him watching porn, and we came down to the realization that it wasn’t about porn, it was about how we were feeling. He felt like I didn’t think he was good enough, and wasn’t attracted to him. I felt like I was subpar and struggled with my inexperience and self image.

We had a really frank discussion about what each other wanted, and it was so so so helpful to us. Our sex life improved, frequency increased, and overall I think our relationship was healthier. Don’t think about porn, think about the fact that your husband has a need, and realize that your feelings are also coming from a need that isn’t being met. Maybe it’s a need to be appreciated for the effort you put in, or maybe it’s something else. But I would say as long as the porn thing isn’t like a daily matter or in what you feel might be addiction territory, then maybe focus less on porn and focus on the bigger issue of what each of you need to be healthy as individuals.

Bottom line, I hope that you’re both able to come to a point where both of you are happy and fulfilled in every way 🙂

Post # 30
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Almost every guy I have ever meet watches porn. I don’t think it should be an issue unless he loses interest with you. If it bothers you that he is watching it by himself tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and maybe the two of you could watch it together. We have fun laughing at the bad acting and end up reacting what was in the movie. Some of those positions are only for contortionists though. We love watching female domination porn for some reason I like taking charge and he goes along with it. He doesn’t really care what porn we watch he just thinks it cool that I watch it with him.

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