(Closed) Am I over-reacting?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Spring break isn’t that far away! Could you go then? That would be a fun trip!

Post # 4
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think I would be pretty upset about it, she’s going to pretty much be his daughter, too, once you’re married. If he really wants to be part of her life, he needs to start acting like she’s part of his and not plan family visits he can’t possibly include her in.

Post # 6
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would be upset that he wanted to go without you as well!  Is there any way they can do it later like KM suggests?  Especially since your child is going to be his responsibility as well, he should have to suffer with you!

Post # 7
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think I’m on the other side of the fence on this issue. . .and probably all by myself.  It sounds like we’re in a similar situation.  I’m a single mom with a school aged daughter.  Fiance has no children and well-to-do parents.  Fiance and I’ve been together for 2 years and living together for 1 of those.

Fiance takes a lot of (short) trips without me because I have to stay with Dirty Delete.  I don’t get upset with him for going.  I realize that DD’s not his.  We’re a family and do things like a family, but I also realize that Fiance isn’t in a relationship with Dirty Delete, he’s in a relationship with me.  If Fiance were to be offered a week long trip that I couldn’t take because of Dirty Delete, I’d let him make a decision on his own.  I’d miss him, and be mildly disappointed that I couldn’t go, but I don’t think I’d be upset with him for going without me.  I’d then use the time he was gone to do some one-on-one stuff with Dirty Delete, that doesn’t always happen when FI’s around.

 

Post # 8
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I guess I am in the minority here…but I think he should go. I am sure there are going to be many trips in your future that you take without your Fiance. Yes..it’s in a very nice location…but he will be visiting his parents…not hanging with the fellas. Do you both go every time you visit either set of parents? Think of it like that and it will be easier to stomach.

Post # 9
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@jamaicaBride – i agree with you. its his parents. if you cant go thats fine, but thats his mother. its not like hes going on a bender in vegas. There will be other times that you are all available to go but i wouldnt have a problem with this.

my father often takes trips to florida sans my mom and us because he knows we dont have the time off, but its his mother and he misses her so if he has the time we wont stop him.

Post # 10
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think if he wants to go visit his parents, he can go. Likewise, you should make sure that in the future you also have the opportunity to do things like this. Having a child comes with responsibilities, but it’s not all or nothing. You can take turns having personal trips.

Post # 11
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would be a little upset that he wouldnt ask for her to offer another time so all of yall could go together?

Post # 13
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It bites, but I think it’s fine for him to go. He asked you if you wanted to join him and you gave a legitimate excuse for not being able to go and he still wants to – so that’s fair enough.

That being said I’d talk to him about what’s going to happen with situations like this once you get married. FH and I have spoken about the same issue and have decided that unless one of us needs to travel for work, we’ll always travel away together because it’s not fair for one of us to be off on holiday with family when the other one has an obligation where they can’t go and may need support (this happened the last time FH went on holiday and it was hard, both for him and for me).

Post # 14
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sorry you feel bummed. I agree with JamaicaBride, but I understand that you feel a little left to the wayside. Maybe use the time to have some fun with your daughter, just the two of you. Doing girl’s nights every night? You could even make cookies and a big “Welcome Home” sign for when your guy is back in town.

Post # 15
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hmmm….I know that I’d be upset/disappointed b/c I would always prefer to be on vacation than NOT on vacation.  

But, I think that even if he was the biological dad for Dirty Delete I would still theoretically be okay with him going.  And if it would be okay in that situation, then it should be okay in this situation also.  Not every couple has perfectly synced schedules and responsibilities & I am sure there will always be times when one person can go somewhere/do something while the other cannot & I wouldn’t want us both to constantly be missing out on stuff.  

As long as its not one-sided (like he thinks Dirty Delete is ALWAYS your responsibility & doesn’t treat her as though she is his daughter/responsibility as well), then I think it’s okay & he can stay home and bond with his future step daughter next time you need to go away.  

I do disagree with the statement above that he’s not in a relationship with Dirty Delete.  When you get married you are creating a family & the fact that he’s your Fiance and not your Boyfriend or Best Friend should (to me at least) mean that he is taking on the FAMILY role, not just the Boyfriend or Best Friend role.  If he (or you) really think of her as “your daughter” and “your responsibility” I think that will not be the best or healthiest situation for your daughter (or even just keeping balance & parental authority in the household).

But even if it logically makes sense not to be mad/upset/disappointed it doesn’t mean that it is easy not to feel that way when something like this happens! 

Post # 16
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with littlemissmoo.  I think it’s OK for him to go.  But I think it would have been nicer for him to discuss it with you, first.  It would have been considerate for him to check to see if you were OK with it.  And also it would have been best to  try to come up with a date you could make first.  

I think you might want to calmly explain to him, what bothered you.  And discuss a plan for how you handle these types of situations once you’re married.

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