(Closed) Am I over-thinking?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Alot of BMs don’t think they have to give a gift when they are in the bridal party.  I had never heard of this until the bee.  One of my BMs didn’t give me anything, and I have never gotten over it. 

Post # 4
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I straight-up TOLD my bridal party not to get us gifts. Being in a bridal party is a pain in the ass. It’s expensive, it’s a lot of work, it takes a lot of time, and you usually look like a little bit of an idiot on the day of the wedding. I know you’re hurt, and you don’t think your bridesmaid did enough, but it really sounds to me (an outsider) like she did a lot. You may just need to let this go and realize that she was there for you and volunteered to help with many things for your wedding. That was her gift to you.

Post # 5
8827 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

get over it.  maybe she can’t afford a gift and giving her time and shower costs was all she had.


Post # 6
104 posts
Blushing bee

uhhh ok I mean it’s weird that she didn’t get you a gift but what exactly do you want to happen now? are you going to go and demand that she give you a gift? I don’t get why you need to “decide” if you should be upset or not–you are clearly upset. the solutions are to either let it go or stop being her friend..?

Post # 7
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lettuce:  i agree

Post # 8
2212 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think paragraphs would be nice (your lack of formatting makes it hard to read your post, OP!).

I know you’re feeling hurt, and we can’t always help our feelings, but try to look at it from her point of view.

It sounds like she thinks she helped out a lot (even if you don’t think so) and being in a bridal party is expensive, so I’d give her a pass.  Also – how she chooses to spend her money is really none of your business.

Sure, the rest of your BMs were sweet and all got you gifts, and you got them gifts (proper etiquette) and hair/makeup (which you should have to pay for if you were requiring your girls to have it), but they went above and beyond doing that, IMO.

That being said, I think she could’ve at least given you a card.

Post # 9
9677 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you either have to get over it or get rid of her as a friend.  There aren’t many other options are there?  I’d give her a pass as I don’t always think Bridesmaid or Best Man are required to buy a wedding gift since they buy their dresses and usually spend $ on the shower and/or bachelorette.

Post # 10
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@iarebridezilla:  +1. this is what we’re planning to do. our entire bridal party, minus one groomsman will have to travel from either across the country, or do an 18-20 hour drive. so, we’re going to tell them “no gifts”.

OP, let it go. nobody has to give you any gifts. just be happy that she was there for you on your wedding day.

Post # 11
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Is this really worth caring about? It’s a gift.  I understand it’s the usual to get gifts but that doesn’t mean you have to get one.

Post # 12
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yes, I think you are reading too much into this. Clearly she thinks she put a lot intoyour wedding/events. Doesn’t matter if you don’t agree. She probably didn’t think she was also expected to get a gift. Doesn’t matter if the other girls did. It would have been nice if she got your a gift, but it’s really not the end of the world. And probably not worth causing drama or straining a friendship. Just roll your eyes and don’t let it get to you.

Post # 13
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s over now, and you can’t very well call her up and demand she give you a gift. So you have two choices either let it go or let her go…over lack of a gift…wich would be pretty silly.

Post # 14
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@unhappybride:  First, a bm is already doing a ton for your big party, and spending money on a dress and shoes. No one is obligated to foot the bill for your parties, its unfortunate that this girl insisted on planning something and clearly no one stepped up to offer to help cover your share.  By the way, decorating,  organizing, booking things, shopping/making snacks adds up. What did you expect her life to come to a halt?Also, bitching that she ddidn’t contribute more, you cannot judge her financial situation, you have no way of knowing how much debt she has and even if she has no debt and no bills with a large cheque,  only she gets to decide how she spends her hard earned money.

No guestis ever obligated to give a wedding gift, and wedding party is definitely not expected to give a gift. As for the shower, she helped with decorations and food, consider it her gift.I

Post # 15
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It kind of hurt b/c I wasn’t expecting alot but just something small would have been nice, especially since I bought the BM’s such nice gifts and paid for their hair/make-up.

This was your first mistake. You were expecting something.It doesn’t matter if you’re expecting something big or something little. To expect a gift is absolutely innappropriate. Period. Gifts should never be expected, even at a gift giving event. Your second mistake was expecting a gift especially because you gave her an awesome gift. (PS the BRIDE SHOULD pay for hair and makeup, shoes, jewelry, and any accessories for their bridal party. This is NOT counted as a gift where I’m from).
She thinks that she did alot for us for our wedding but really she hasn’t done much.  My other bridesmaid and maid of honour did much much more.  She helped plan the bridal shower but barely helped out the other Bridesmaid or Best Man, all she bought was some balloons and some decor and make a dessert.  The other Bridesmaid or Best Man was so upset in her lack of helping, but the funny thing was that she thought she did SO much!!
This makes you sound awfully selfish and ungateful for the help that she did provide. Your wedding is not front and center in anyone’s life but your own. You really shouldn’t be comparing her to your other BMs because they are able to chose how they spend their time. Way to completely overlook the fact that she bought balloons, some decor and made a dessert. Thats more than A LOT of BMs do. She didn’t HAVE to do any of this stuff. If she thinks she did a lot, it was very rude of you and your other BMs to complain about her. This makes the lot of you seem childish.
She was supposed to do more but she did such a half ass job and was talking like she did the whole party.  But the other Bridesmaid or Best Man did almost everything. 
No, no hun. She wasn’t supposed to do ANYTHING except show up to your wedding (which it sounds like she did). Stop buying in to the WI BS.
Then, she decided to plan my bachelorette.  Everyone including my fiance said it was a bad idea especially after the shower, but my Maid/Matron of Honor was out of country, the other Bridesmaid or Best Man said she is not going to work with her again after the bridal shower, and no one else was offering to help only until after she arranged everything.  Again all she bought was the decor, some snacks and cake.

Awesome! She decided to throw your bachelorette party? How SWEET of her!  You didn’t get the lavish party you wanted? Well, it isn’t your party to plan. She hosted the party she wanted to host. Be grateful you even GOT a party. *Eyeroll*.
I paid for all the booze, more snacks, the cost of the hotel and even my own spa and dinner!  She made it seem like again she did so much but really it wasn’t alot, especially since it was her ideas and then I ended up with the bill and no one asked to pay for me.  This hurt b/c I didnt even want a bachelorette party to begin with, since we didnt have alot of money to spend.
Okay, so you paid for the extras you wanted, and WOW, you had to pay for your own stuff. Newflash, little girl, no ONE has to offer to pay the bride’s way. No one should BE expected to pay for you. YOU. ARE. AN. ADULT. If you couldn’t afford to spend that money on the bachelorette party, then you shouldn’t have spent it. That is no one’s fault but your own. You should have stuck with the party you were given, rather than souping it up with all the uneeded extras (you can have a perfectly FINE bachelorette party at someone’s house, no booze, spas, hotels, or fancy dinners nedded. If you couldn’t afford what the Bridesmaid or Best Man planned, then YOU needed to tell her. NOT expect someone to foot your bill…)
I didn’t want my Maid/Matron of Honor to pay for anything b/c she travelled for the wedding and spent so much to get here ($1.5K).  We had a formal sitdown reception and invited her bf, we invited them to another family wedding related function as well. 
First off… I thought we were talking about a Bridesmaid or Best Man not your MoH? Did this Bridesmaid or Best Man ALSO pay $1,500 to get to your wedding? And you’re still expecting a GIFT? 1.5k is a LOT of money. Pretty sure her BEING there was gift enough. (And you were only being a good host by inviting her SO. Usually the SOs of the bridal party are invited too…) Where you had dinner, or how nice of a dinner you served should not even be mentioned. It’s making you sound like you only did those things so you would get more gifts…
Am I over-thinking this, or should I feel kind of hurt that she didnt get me a gift? 


Yes, you are over-thinking this, and NO you should absolutely NOT feel hurt that she didn’t get you a gift.

She says we’re bff’s, but I thought you would give your bff a wedding present.  We’ve been friends since childhood. 
So I take it YOU do not consider her your BFF. And also… I am pretty sure you shouldn’t THINK someone is going to give you a present.
She lives at home and spends money like crazy and shops at fine stores, so it’s not as if she can’t afford it. 
How she does or doesn’t spend HER money is NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS! You do not deserve a PENNY of her money, so stop thinking you do.
All the other BM’s got me wedding presents and bridal shower presents.. so I was kind of confused when she didnt get me anything at all.  I feel like she thinks in her mind that she did alot. But the other Bridesmaid or Best Man told me that she didnt do much or spend much either and all she was doing was being controlling and bossing ppl around.
Again, stop comparing her to the other BMs. She feels she did a lot, and you’re not in any sort of place to say if she did or didn’t. Your opinion doesn’t matter her. Her’s does. If she feels what she did was good, the what she did was good. She went above and beyond what A LOT of BMs do… stop sounding so ungrateful!
I must add, that I learnt alot about her during this time, and its hard to see her the same as I did before.  Although she doesn’t see anything wrong..? What do you think?

This makes you sound like a bitter, selfish child. She didn’t do things the way you wanted and that is somehow HER flaw? You’re absolutely impossible! I feel sorry for your Bridesmaid or Best Man. Very, very sorry for her. To do ANYTHING and not be appreciated for it really really sucks. Why not grow up and show her some appreciation? Instead of focusing on what she DIDN’T do.

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