- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016
I mean… good luck.
I mean… good luck.
To answer the question you asked: Yes, it sounds like he is going to propose to you. To answer the question you didn’t: You should not be marrying someone if the situation is such that you think marrying will help him “get his shit together.” It won’t. Like a PP said, marriage doesn’t tend to solve these kinds ofissues … but it sure can amplify them.
A proposal isn’t going to magically make your SO marriage material. What happens when you are married and having to support the two of you on one income?
It does sound like he is preparing to propose. But if he does he will be doing it prematurely as he can’t even care for himself. If he can’t get his shit together after 10 years, what can you expect for the future?
You will essentially be replacing the role of his mother, the woman who currently cares for him.
j9marie: all of this 🙌🏼
this situation boggles the mind OP. You are basically saying you can’t wait to be legally attached to a man that cant take care of himself while giving him legal rights to claim all your shit when he doesn’t change and you divorce him!
Wait, WHY do you want to marry him? It has taken him ten and a half years to finally decide to marry you, he lives with his mum, doesn’t have a driver’s license and doesn’t make enough money to split the rent. Sounds like a real winner!
Yes, it sounds like he is going to propose. No, you shouldn’t accept.
Why don’t you wait to see if HE is capable of getting HIS shit together before you consider marrying him? Do you want him to go from mommy supporting him to you supporting him? Are you prepared for this to be your relationship always? People don’t change just because they get married, and when they do it’s often not for the better.
Run sister, just run! This guy is nothing but trouble.
Thank you all for your honest input. Believe me, it’s nothing that I haven’t heard before. There is probably nothing I can say about him that will change your opinion. I am aware that the situation is ahem..problematic. I do not plan to marry like tomorrow! A proposal is simply that. A promise to share your life with someone in the FUTURE.
He is not a bum. He is constantly doing many different things trying to improve himself. He is paying off massive student loans. He has his masters which he intended to use to teach but it’s hard out there for any profession, no matter how many degrees one has. (sorry for the run-on) He knows what he has to do. He doesn’t want to lean on me. He is trying.He just paid for my car battery when I was stuck. He has helped me before, even before we were dating. (bailed me out of a traffic ticket lol) I am just very impatient. He is working on the license.
So to answer your question, why do I want to marry him? I love him. I’ve invested so much in this relationship. We’ve been through so much. We’ve had so many good times through the years. I’m closer to his family than my own. He is the person I feel most comfortable talking to about anything. He is comforting, loving, caring, respectul, trustworthy. Leaving him would make me feel physically sick to my stomach. I tried, my whole body felt very weird. Very uneasy. Ill. Sick. Nauseous. So I don’t want that feeling ever again. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Without him I feel cold and shaky. Just weird huh? He is a good person, but we have issues. I just don’t want money to be one of them.
If he proposes I will say yes because that’s what I want. But I will have to reset the clock for the actual ceremony until he can become more financially stable and I can learn how to treat him better. I just want to feel that wonderful euphoria at the moment when he’s down on one knee and I’m like “oh my God yes!” Don’t we all???
If he doesnt this time, I will focus on being more patient and supportive and trust that he will figure his shit out before we’re 40.
It sounds like you love the IDEA of him, a fiance and a husband. You are scared to start over because you have “invested” so much time. Paying off your parking ticket or paying for a car battery does not make a man competent and marriage material.
A proposal is a plan to get married, plan a wedding AND THEN spend a life together.
chanel22: sunk cost fallacy/bias
^ read #4
He may propose, but I don’t think after reading your original post and the follow-up that he will be promising you a better future with a proposal and a ring. If he were more serious about making it happen, he would already working his butt off to be a stable partner for you now.
…I cant. There is SO much wrong with your OP and your update is even worse…
I’m sure that in your 30s it would be incredibly hard to walk away from a 10 year investment…but just because you’ve given him this long doesn’t mean you owe him your future. Starting over can be a really shitty propspect, but imo the issues you’ve listed are things that you work out before you get engaged, not after. The euphoria of the moment he proposes is just that–one moment. It isn’t going to change anything, all the issues will still be there, it will just make it harder to leave because now you’ve ‘promised’ yourselves to one another.
chanel22: He’s in his 30s and still hasn’t found a teaching job? I call bs that he’s actually trying OP. About half of my friends are teachers who graduated between 2011 and 2013, many of whom do not even have masters degrees and they are teaching at a variety of grade levels in PA, NJ, NC, SC, GA, and TX. Yes, the market sucks, but one friend was able to get jobs in three different states in three years after her husband’s job relocated him. My friends who taught in PA/NJ (some of the most difficult teaching markets) had to sub first and after getting some solid experience in long-term sub jobs were given teacher’s assistant jobs or their own classroom. He has to want it enough to apply to 50 school districts and take lower paying jobs if necessary.
I’m in the legal market, which everyone knows in the U.S. is complete and utter shit right now and I and all my law school friends who graduated in 2014 have jobs. Are many of us underemployed or doing things that aren’t exactly what we’re interested in? Of course! The market isn’t good enough to hold out for your dream job, and it sounds like he hasn’t faced reality yet. When my Fiance couldn’t find a job in his STEM field, he worked three jobs to make ends meet. He waited tables, worked at Starbucks, etc. He could’ve thought he was “too good” for those jobs and sat on his butt, but he refused to let me or his parents support him, so he took whatever jobs he had to. To me, that drive is so attractive in a partner. I’ve been with him for nearly 9 years so I get how hard it would be to walk away from a longterm relationship, but honestly OP, I think you know that it won’t get any better because he doesn’t care enough to motivate himself. This ring will be an exciting distraction for the short term, but once the excitement wears off, you’ll still be with a guy in his 30s/40s who hasn’t gotten his shit together.
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