(Closed) Am I overreacting?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House

I’m having the reverse situation — a more formal wedding Future Mother-In-Law wants to make more informal.  (For example, we selected a small Italian restaurant in Philadelphia for our Rehearsal Dinner, and she complained and proposed having it at a bar near our church instead.)  Try not to take anything personally, and remember to pause and breathe before you react!

Post # 4
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Nope.  Sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is a PIA!  Just smile and nod at her, then do what you want.

Post # 5
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m sorry you have to deal with this!  I have a Future Mother-In-Law who is so excited and loves doing things but can be overbearing.  My Future Sister-In-Law often acts as a buffer, and it sounds like yours is doing that some too.  Maybe you can ask her to gently tell her mother that this is your wedding, and we don’t need a repeat!  Better if it comes from her daughter than you, probably.  GL!

Post # 6
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is there any way that you could sit down with the Future Mother-In-Law and go thru the elements of the wedding with the emphasis on the informal-ness of it and just really gently explain how having some parts that are formal and some parts that are informal would really clash. If you have an inspiration board or any pictures that would be helpful too. Mine thought I had lost my mind on some aspects because she could not envision what I was trying to describe until I showed her pictures then she finally started getting the idea. I know that it is hard for many Mother-In-Law that have helped plan their other children’s wedding to relax and go with new ideas of the new bride. And unless she is paying for things like rentals etc then surely you can go to vendor appointments on your own. My standard answer when people who will try to start conflict (aka my married sister who thinks all weddings should be done like hers.) ask questions like have you gotten the XYZ done I just say that yes it is taken care of and I am so in love with my choice. And leave it at that.

Post # 7
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

No you are not overreacting. Its your wedding and you have your own taste. Why would anyone want another recreation of someone else’s wedding.

Do what YOU want!

Post # 8
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Breathe.

I’ve been planning my wedding for all of 10 days and I have already started to learn first hand what you’re going though.  I want my wedding to be informal too, not just no silver, but backyard-BBQ-napkin-tucked-down-the-front-of-my-dress-to-keep-sauce-off informal.  My grandmom wants 100+ people and I want 60, My mom wants flowers…fancy ones…lots of them and I want to plant some wild flowers this summer and cut them for the wedding.  There’s going to be more, I’m sure of it, I’ve got another grandmother and a stepmom on top of that and it’s only been 10 days

Now I know it’s hard and you’re already in deep, but she means well, she’s thinking of how lovely that’s other wedding was and she wants yours to be what she considers just as nice.  Now this is going to sound like a harsh way of looking at it but it’s how I’ve been rationalizing things… Who’s paying for the wedding? Is it you or your parents?  Then that’s who gets a say. 

Times are tough and if you know what you want and what you can afford then you have to put your foot down, but in the most diplomatic way possible.  You could say something like “I do love the Silver but we feel the money we save by not getting it will be better spent towards starting our new life together!”  See you have taste and you’re planning ahead!    I hope you see what I’m getting at here

OTOH my rule has been if my family wants something in my wedding that I didn’t want/or budget for then they have to pay for it.  If she offers to pay for the silver wear,  or some other thing to make you wedding more “Formal” think before you turn her down.  Life is about compromise. And if it won’t take away from your fun informal wedding to have a few things she wants for the sake of a good relationship with her down the line ask yourself is that worth it? 

She just wants her Son and her future Daughter to have what she thinks is the perfect wedding, and yeah she may be tactless about it, but its still meant with love.  And even if she doesn’t get her silver and her roses, when you’re wedding comes hopefully she’ll see how much fun you and your guests had and how happy you were and change her mind about informal weddings

Good luck

Post # 9
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

It sounds like Fiance and your future sis understand that you’re frustrated. Maybe sit down with them and ask how you should handle your Future Mother-In-Law because it’s stressing you out. (I would be put out too if someone was trying to plan my wedding for me without taking my wishes into consideration.)

I agree with rosychicklet and bruschetta — just take a deep breath or two, smile and try not to let her get to you too much. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with what Laural said. If there is something you know she will be trying to "push her agenda" upon, talk to your fiance and come up with your plan before you even talk to her about it. If she complains, you both can say soemthing like "Yeah, that invitation is very beautiful. But we have actually already discussed invitations and have chosen this stlye and we really love it." If she pushes, just say that you have already made up your mind.

Is she paying for a lot of the wedding? If she isn’t, she really has no formal ground to stand on with these demands. She is your Future Mother-In-Law and, I know you know this, but you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life, so even if she isn’t paying, at least take some of her ideas and really think about if you can include them. Even one or two will show her you were taking them seriously. BUT this is your day and make sure it is what you want!

Post # 13
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

Haha, my mom is being kind of similar. Not to your degree, but I just think it’s cute and don’t let it bother me. She first says she doesn’t want to be pushy or too involved, but then makes a bunch of suggestions about how i should make this more fancy or that less fancy. it’s pretty funny but I could see how it would get annoying if I let it get to me too much. That said, I do consider each thing that she says. I know my mother has excellent taste, so to completely block out her suggestions without at least considering them would be silly of me. Doesn’t mean I have to compromise on anything or everything, but I at least think about them. It sounds like you’ve done this too with your fmil.

 

I have to agree with many others on this thread – form an alliance with future sis and your fiance, and help your fmil see where you guys are coming from and what you’re aiming for.

Post # 14
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I agree with some others – listen to what she has to say, consider her ideas, and go with what you want to do. It sounds like you have some good allies in your sister and fiancee, so listen to her, acknowledge that you heard her, then roll your eyes at them behind her back.

I would insert one disclaimer, just in case you’re not already (although by the sounds of things you are listening to her): make sure she feels involved in some parts of the wedding. Give into some of her smaller ideas-disguised-as-demands, or just keep her very up to date. That will just help keep everybody happy, I think.

Post # 15
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

your situation is the pits!! but i am sure you will get through it…i don’t know what it is about weddings, but i think it makes people crazy!!  i would agree with some and listen to the advice/picking and simply tell her that it’s your day and you will have the style you want!!  she is more then welcomed to give you her 2 cents…but you don’t have to take it…vent as much as you can!!! good luck!!!

Post # 16
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow.  Seems she feels "proud" somehow that she might have been part of the planning process of that other wedding huh?

I agree.  Nod, and then do as you and your Fiance wish to do.  It is your wedding!  Would she like to have some responsibility?  She sounds like somebody who might want to go with a "theme" (boho chic maybe?) and give her an inspiration board and maybe have her do one aspect?  She may just want to receive again the accolades of her "planning abilities" from friends and family and just needs some firmer direction.  Maybe tell her that she has amazing style, but would like to see how she could run with helping with (insert her task here)x, and make this a very unique yet chic wedding that will have everybody talking?

Sometimes I’ve found letting others have the FEEL of a bit of control and complimenting them makes for very happy relatives.  We had this issue 10 years ago with my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary btw..my demanding uncle became a big time helper and it worked like a charm.

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