(Closed) Am I overreacting

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your name, your choice.

His reaction would be a big issue for me.

 

Post # 5
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If you originally told him you didn’t mind changing your name to his, then I think he has a right to be upset that you’ve changed your mind now.  I think you’re over-reacting a bit, especially since you’ve said you don’t have any ties to your last name. 

I know for my husband, it’s huge that I took his name. I won’t say I understand why, but it just is, and I know that’s true for a lot of men. 

Post # 6
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I can kind of understand his reaction (though it was an overreaction) to you asking him to change his surname and the speling of it. Some people are atatched to their names and to them it is more than just a word but symbolises the connection to their hertitage/family.

I think maybe he was upset because you said you would be willing to change your name. you guys obviously had the name changing conversation which indicates that it wasn;t something he demanded of you but something you both commented on and then you made a decision.

Sure you are entitled to change your mind and yes he does have to just accept that but I think it is a bit much to ask him to chnage his name if he doesn’t want to, because then aren’t you just doing what you are accusing him of?

 

Post # 8
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If you always told him that you would take his name and now are changing your mind, I understand why he is upset.  I don’t think his reaction was justified if he was being rude or raising his voice to you.  But, I can see why he is frustrated if he thinks you tricked or lied to him.  

Relationships are about compromises so I think you need to decide if this is something you want to compromise on.  Remember the adage, “pick your battles.” Only you can decide how important this is.  You started your post saying, “i never really thought too much into this before becoming engaged i guess i assumed i would take my husbands surname.” So, are you really upset about changing your name? or are you just upset about how your SO reacted? 

Post # 11
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

These types of posts makes me so happy that my Fiance could care less if I take his name…I mentioned I wasn’t in passing and he was a bit surprised, but he totally understands that it’s MY name…and MY choice….for 9 years with him I’ve been that name, why change now?

Post # 12
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can kind of understand why he felt mislead. My husband and I had the name changing discussion a LOT before we were engaged. Still, the first thing we got that had “our” initials on them, I asked my fiance “what the hell will we do with this?”

If he saw you accepting gifts with ___ Karl, or didn’t correct people when they called you future Mrs. Karl, and never discussed not taking his name..then yeah, I get why he assumed you would.

Regardless, it wasn’t cool for him to blow up at you. Not at all. These are emotional issues, but yelling over them is just crazy and I’m sure it was very hurtful. Hopefully you two can talk again when tensions cool. That being said, even if I were going to change my name, I would not do it just to change the spelling. Is the spelling really the only reason you don’t like his last name? Cause, really, its a really simple last name. You may have to correct people on one letter, but thats not a big deal. Or have you decided that you don’t want to change your name at all unless he does?

Very, very few guys change their last name, regardless of what their wife decides to do. Even fewer people “create” a new last name, and the people that do either tend to be very, very progressive. Does that describe your FI?

I doubt he will get on board with changing his last name. You may have to accept either keeping your own or taking his in the end. :/

Post # 14
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think your FI’s reasoning for keeping his last name is BS. He has sentimental attachment to it and that is all. Is he saying that, if he had a sister marry and take her husband’s last name, that she would no longer be as “family” as he is? I don’t think so. Changing your last name does not change your identity either. You are who you are. Will my identity change because I’m changing my last name? Heck no. I could change my name to Harry J. Potter and I would still be who I am just with a different name. The name does not make the person.

But my big issue is that he thought, even for just a minute, that you would lie to him just to get him to propose. Did people call you Future Mrs. Karl and give you gifts with his last name on them before he proposed? If not, then he had no grounds to even accuse you of that in the first place.

Post # 16
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I do not believe you are overreacting to his reaction; that was way out of proportion. However, with my SO, taking his last name means the world to him. For some reason, it’s a “we’ve made it” symbol, and I don’t mind giving him that.

I think instead of pushing the “new name” idea, you should talk to him about why taking his is so important. For some guys it’s a “She’s really mine, we really made it, I have her forever” thing–not in a possessive way, but in a I-can’t-believe-my-luck way.  

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