(Closed) Am I overreacting?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@sauerdragon:  YOu don’t lose if you don’t let her get to you.  It’s not worth it. If this is who she is, it’snot you, or your problem.  Go, and be nice, and that’s all you can do. If she wants to be an asshole, that’s on her.

Post # 33
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I do not think you are overreaccating. I think it was very rude of her to attack your idea in the manner that she did. The next time I seen her I would very politely ask to speak with her alone and just explain to her that I was not seeking gifts or anything of that nature but since SHE is always commenting/asking to meet your family you thought a college graduation party would be a great way to do that.

And you really shouldn’t be embrassed, I’m currently working on my masters (I’ll be finished in December) and my FI’s family and mine are all having a huge bash ourselves! We just figure big accomplishments deserve a celebration. So I think it’s perfectly normal. Smile

Post # 34
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t get why you’re letting her get to you.  You don’t depdend on her for money or anything so …. why do you care?  Do what you want and maybe instead of calling it a party, which I’m sorry but at your age you should know you bring/get a gift for a grad party, call it a dinner and just have the two families together.  If you keep letting her get to you over really simple matters now, it’s just going to get worse.  She lets her .02 fly around, stop asking her, or just inform her of what your doing, don’t ask.  

Post # 35
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@sauerdragon:  I would just be clear and up front with her. She sounds like a very bitchy lady. Just respond “I texted you to invite you to it, I wasn’t asking for opinions. I set this up specifically so that you could meet my family, which you have expressed an interest in in the past, but obviously this is not an occasion for that so it will wait till another time.”

You need to have a talk with your fiance about you coming first though. Guys, even ones who hate their mothers, are never able to stand up to them in a “normal” way. It’s just this weird thing. Guys who actually love theirs moms are usually super whipped by them. So it will be a struggle, but he needs to know where you stand on this and what is expected of him as a husband, no longer a little boy.

Post # 36
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would be hurt by what she said as well, but I would be LIVID with my husband. Actually, I know this. My ExH acted the same way towards me when his mother would get rude and abusive – excuse and defend her while telling me that I was overreacting and was too sensitive and needed to grow a thicker skin. 

@aussiemum1248:  Absolutely right about it all.

Post # 37
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’ve been to graduation parties and people brought a card. You don’t bring a gift in my family or circle of friends. It’s a celebration not a gift giving event. I plan on having a graduation party & will not receive any gifts except maybe from my mom and she’ll give it to me beforehand.

I’m sorry you’re Future Mother-In-Law is like this. Your Fiance should realize that he didn’t even stand up for you like his brother did….that’s shitty.

Post # 38
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have a similar dynamic with my future Father-In-Law. He’s been critical of our relationship since the beginning, and he even had the gall to to tell Fiance that I’m not right for him, that if he married me I would end up leaving him and taking away his children (!) and all sorts of really nasty things. He’s had negative things to say about everything – our choice to have a destination wedding, the style of our wedding, the date of our wedding, why we’re not getting married in Europe, etc etc. 

I think at the end of the day the issue is how your Fiance deals with his mother, not how you deal with her. If I were you, I’d make it very clear that you expect your Fiance to be on your side when his mother is being unreasonable and rude. I definitely don’t think you’re overreacting, especially in light of her latest text message. She sounds really snarky and not a very nice woman, but the most important thing is getting you Fiance to stand up for you and fight those battles on your behalf. 

Post # 39
Member
2574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I believe that your mother in law knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she made those comments. She knew that she was belittling you and your accomplishment, she knew that she was embarrassing you by making those comments in the presence of future in laws, and she knew that when she told her son not to be “defensive” that it would make him feel guilty for sticking up for you and he’d shut down.

Post # 40
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sauerdragon:  No, you’re not overreacting.  Your Future Mother-In-Law was extremely rude rude, obnoxious and out of line. She essentially called you selfish and defensive and you’re right – she found it necessary to do so in front of your FI’s entire family. 

Is she like this with everyone or has she singled you out orr some reason? Is she one of those truly obnoxious people who goes around being insulting under the guise of “hust being honest?” 

At any rate, my advise toy you would be to stop giving her opportunities to crap all over you and that means you put her on information blackout. Stop talking to her about your wedding ideas. Stop talking to her about anything personal. Keep it superficial. Don’t include her. Don’t invite her to your party. 

Learn how to stand up for yourself while remaining calm and assertive. A good phrase to use when someone is criticizing you about something that is absolutely none of their business or concern is, “I’m so sorry my choices displease you.” Its polite, but points out the other person is being a tool.  A other good response is, “You might be right.” It’s essentially meaningless – you’re not saying ther ARE right, only that they MIGHT be. It’s a way to shut down the topic at hand without being defensive or confrontational. 

Remember you don’t owe this woman apologies or explanations for your choices so don’t make them. But you can learn to give it right back to her. Say nothing more about the party. If she brings it up, calmly tell her you had hoped this would be a nice opportunity for the families to meet.  You could also throw in that the party isn’t about getting gifts any more than your weding is – it’s about celebrating an achievement, a happy event. Also learn the art of changing the subject. She says something shitty – wait a beat in silence , then ask her about something totally different. Or, if she’s really out of line, say nothing at all. Silence can be a very powerful thing. Let her insult just hang out there in the air left to squirm. 

Understand that if you’re dealing with a person determined to be critical, then she will always find something go be critical of. 

Lastly, your Fiance DID stand up for you and did so publically in front of his family. He told his Mom to knock it off. That was awesome and powerful. Don’t think for a second that didn’t jerk a knot in her tail.  But she’s still his Mom that he loves so it’s hard to hear you or anyone criticize her, particularly when he knows she’s behaved badly. Ask him to intervene when he needs too but do your best to simply not give her opportunities to shit on you. You shut her down by shutting her out. Dont be cold or rude, just keep her at arms length. Don’t trust her, don’t try to win her approval if she demonstrates she’s withholding it. Don’t set yourself up for her to knock you down, you know?

Post # 41
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Honestly, you didn’t handle the situation well. Sure she was rude and obviously in the wrong, but the clear reply would have been the truth: ‘I never had a HS graduation party and I just thought it would be a good chance to get everyone gathered so you can meet my parents before the wedding ::sweet smile::’ But instead you teared up and expected your Fiance to stick up for you instead of handling it yourself. I appreciate it was in front of other people too, which is embarassing, but do your best to be more assertive.. you’ll have to be to survive a Future Mother-In-Law like that!

 

Post # 42
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a Grade-A bitch. Period.

But if you’re marrying into this family, you’re going to have to toughen up so you can continue dealing with her without being destroyed every time. 

Here’s the thing: she’s a bitch! She’s NOT going to suddently start being reasonable and nice, so don’t expect it. Hopefully then you won’t be quite as hurt when she, AGAIN, is a bitch. But also, this shoud give you the pre-emptive balls you need to deal with her.

For example. I’d text her and say (and I know this is going to sound passive-aggressive, but she sounds like the type this will be effective on): “The reason I was going to have a party was to introduce you to my family. I thought you were interested in doing that. As that was nixed, we will just wait until the wedding.”

And do not join in group texts/emails/chats or whatever with this lady. That is setting yourself up for annoyance.

Take a step back when dealing with her. Be BREEZY and aloof, but always civil and polite. 

This woman is a bully, and you are an easy target (b/c you proably expect people to behave properly, unlike her own family, who are used to her). Don’t allow yourself to be one!

Post # 43
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sauerdragon:  That is awesome! 

You are way underestimating your position in this. You feel like she’s won when she so, so hasn’t. She has now had two of her sons publically call her out on her bad behavior. Bam! Do you really think she’s feeling victorious? Because I kind of doubt it. Her reply to your Future Brother-In-Law was also crude and defensive so I feel for you. She certainly seems to have some rough edges. 

This would be a beautiful opportunity for you to swoop back into the conversation and gently say that you just wanted to let everyone know about the party, that it’s a small get together and you are not expecting gifts – you just thought this would be a happy opportunity for the families to meet and that you hope everyone can make it. Its not confrontational or defensive, you come out smelling like a rose and she just looks crappy in front of everyone else. Woo-hoo. 

Why on earth would you cancel your party just because this woman criticized it? Shes not the only other member of your FI’s family, right? She clearly doesn’t speak for the rest of them. Send her an invite along with everyone else and she can sit her unpleasant ass at home if she wants too. Everyone else can have fun without her.  Stop giving her power over your choices. 

Post # 44
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@Zhabeego:  +1

Forget what I said, this is better advice. 😀

Post # 45
Member
3110 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@sauerdragon:  yes you’re overreacting. Don’t make passive statements like “I hope you’re coming blah blah” Send an invitation or directly invite them so it’s not up for discussion. 

If you marry this guy you’re going to need thicker skin. A nonemotional response would solve this. “My family has always celebrated this achievement and I am excited to do so myself.”

that said, I’ve never been to a college graduation party and wouldn’t travel for one. I’be attended several high school ones but college, while an event worth celebrating, is generall kept to immediate family and then partying with friends. 

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