(Closed) Am I overreacting? : (

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 136
Member
13639 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would not sit around waiting for him to make up his mind, because I would have already made up mine. 

Also, I don’t believe a word he’s telling you. 

Post # 137
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SunnierDaysAhead:  I’m so sorry 🙁

 

Unfortunately I agree with PP who do not believe that he only “kissed” Cindy. He slept with her.

 

And I believe that he did so before you got engaged. Here’s why;

 

I find it very hard to believe that he suddenly started crushing on her right after you got engaged. More likely it has been going on since close to when they started working together. 

 

i went to your thread about not being pleased with your engagement ring to get better context, you mentioned in that thread that you guys had done little more than talked about marriage in passing and had never discussed rings, then seemingly out of nowhere he asks his Grandma for a ring to give to you, and does so. This seems extremely thoughtless, rushed, inconsiderate of you.

 

Almost as if it was a snap decision he made after freaking himself out about losing you… Because he was feeling guilty…. Because he’d already cheated on you.

 

He then gave you this thoughtless object, hoping that his proposal to you would strengthen his resolve. A few days later you let him know you’d be happier picking your own ring out and he completely shuts you down. Most likely because in his mind he now had THE reason why it was your fault that he was being driven towards another woman, when in reality he was already falling for that skank, hook-line-and-sinker.

 

He has been justifying your affair by trashing you to his coworker, “she doesn’t like my ring” “she doesnt like my beard” And then has the GALL to lie to you, blame you!

 

“She listened to me when you hated your ering. She understands me!”

 

Dont believe for a second that his commitment to you just suddenly waned when you got engaged. This has been going on for a very long time and all of his excuses STINK of lies.

 

Get rid of him and thank GOD that his true character crawled out of the disgusting cheating swamp it came from before you were married with kids.

Post # 138
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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SunnierDaysAhead:  This is horrible — I’m so sorry. And I know this may not make sense to you right now, but I think it’s at least good that he fessed up to kind of a lot (though I agree with others that he’s probably not telling the whole truth). It could have been worse — he could have continued to deny everything, manipulate you into thinking it’s all in your head, and driving you even more crazy. I was you a handful of years ago. I never learned the whole truth but I learned enough to know it was time to get the hell out. The first few weeks were the worst sadnesss I’d ever experienced. But it got better, and now I’m engaged to the man I couldn’t ever imagine living life without. 

This guy is one of two things: either (1) he is a lying cheating scum OR (2) he is a decent guy who doesn’t know what he wants. No matter which one he is, you don’t need it. 

Sending hugs. 

Post # 139
Member
2229 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Wow. What an ass. You discover he is lying and kissing (probably sleeping with) another woman and he goes out to dinner with her?!? 

You deserve so so much better than him! Please don’t take him back even if he finally “makes up his mind” that he wants you. 

As for Cindy I still believe she orchestrated all of this on purpose so you’d find out. My guess is it has been going on a while and she now wants to break you two up properly as she’s bored of the secrecy 

 

 

Post # 140
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Okay. So i have a girlfriend that just went through the same thing. She saw a message on her husbands phone and when she called, the girl hung up.  She waited a day and called the girl back and said “look he has already told me everything, I just want to hear you side of the story.  my husband told me that you were just just a fling. ( mind you he hadn’t told her anything at this point. He was avoiding my friend ). When the girl heard “just a fling” this set her off and she started singing like a canary.  Come to find out the were in a relationship for 1 year!  And the girlfriend knew all about the my friend and the marriage. he was telling her how he was unhappy and was going to leave his wife.  So the moral here is be cleaver to get the information you need..  

Post # 141
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SunnierDaysAhead:  I’m SO sorry this happened to you. I know how this feels – my ex cheated on me with 5+ different people and lied until the bitter end (I unraveled it all myself and actually messaged the girl in question). It’s the worst feeling in the world and I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. Here’s my two cents: 

1. He has slept with her. There are too many “conveniences” in his story that diminish what happened. My ex tried the same thing – they think they’re helping you by lying about what they did (kissing vs. sex), when it happened (just now! as opposed to for months and months). I’m sorry, but there’s no way that’s true

2. Hotels have rooms ready any time past check-in, which is 3pm for most places. If he took a late flight, that story is a lie. Even if that’s truly the case, the front desk will hold his bags. It makes no sense for them to take them to one room, and even if they did they would probably all go grab dinner after that – after which he would have retrieved his luggage from her room. When in that story does she have time to go through his stuff. This is also a lie. 

3. I love your strength. You are right, he does get to dictate when the decision gets made – it has been made, BY YOU. 

What you need to do now: Call your best girlfriend over. Tell her to bring wine, chocolate, tissues, and herself. Task her with notifying all the important people that the wedding is off. Don’t mince the truth, this guy is a cheating loser. Call in sick and instead take the day tomorrow to pack up all his stuff. Anything you’re on the fence about, you keep for yourself. He doesn’t deserve it. Then get that stuff out of there! If he calls, you’ll be tempted to answer – but don’t! Then, write a professional e-mail to his company’s HR about the inappropriate relationship that is happening at hotels on the company’s dime. Schedule an STD test. Charge it on his credit card. 

Allow yourself time to grieve. I’m not going to lie, the next few months will be the hardest you’ve been through, but make sure you’re taking the time to make yourself the best version of you that you know. Try to minimize contact with him and allow yourself time to heal. Eventually, you will heal, and one day you will realize that today was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

DO NOT: Blame yourself, wonder why you “weren’t enough”, do anything illegal/crazy (i.e., torch his things), blast him on Facebook, or call his parents. While these are all tempting at the time and deliciously satisfying to live out in fantasy, they never really work out in real life and you’ll be glad you didn’t do them. 

 

 

Post # 142
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Also, if you really want to give her a scare, I’m sure any of us Bees would love to pose as HR and give her a little jingle… 

There’s a dark, lonely, place in hell for women who knowingly cheat with other women’s husbands/boyfriends/SO’s. 

Post # 143
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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steph5565:  That’s an enticing idea but I strongly advise against it. Impersonating her FI’s company is (business wise) unethical and possibly illegal. Plus to do so would mean divulging “Cindy”‘s name, which is also unethical. Cindy’s no saint, but it’s the guy who has been doing the cheating.

Post # 144
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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aussiemum1248:  I know – it was a little joke 🙂 For the record, I don’t actually advise calling her. 

I do stand by my statement that karma is a b**** and will come back to bite miss Cindy when she least expects it. There’s a cold place in hell for women like her (and, almost moreso, for men like OP’s FI). 

Post # 145
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Over the next week I would change the locks, pack all his stuff and put it outside about thirty minutes before he’s due to get back. When he arrives don’t talk to him, don’t engage in any way with him, just pretend he isn’t there. Don’t answer his calls or texts. Take time to figure out what YOUR next move is. This is about you, not him. He fucked Jo, and now he has to deal with the consequences. Personally, I could not stay with anybody who treated me the way your Fiance has treated you, but this is your decision to make. Meanwhile, kick him out of your life while you get your ducks in a row.

Post # 146
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. The update is terrible, although not too surprising considering what you told us before.

I dated a guy for several months that had every excuse in the book for every red flag that came up. I wasted so much time playing detective….then allowing him to talk his way out of his lies, believing that he loved me and we had a future. He had explanations for EVERYTHING. Our entire relationship (looking back) was on HIS TIME. Come to find out, he wasn’t cheating on me….he was married. As soon as I figured it out….I packed his crap and cut all ties immediately. 

I know this is NOT the scenario for you, but what I’m saying is – a lot of us have dealt with lying, manipulating SO’s in our lives – take our advice and take charge of YOUR situation. Do not let his words and his needs dictate your life. If he talks his way out of this one, who knows what next? Don’t let him get away with “I need time”. YOU have a life, and time that is NOT worth wasting on him sitting around playing mental games to figure himself out. No one should be allowed to put you on the backburner while they decide if you’re important enough.

It’s a realllllllly difficult decision, no matter what, but we all just want you to make your choice for YOU. You deserve better. No one should treat the person they love with that level of disrespect. 

Post # 147
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I just wanted to reiterate that what he told you is NOT the full story by a long shot. He obviously took the time after you caught him to figure out a plausible story with the bare minimum of actual truth to hopefully get away with it. 

Is this the type of person that you would like to have as a life partner? I would be saying HELL NO.

So sorry you’re going through this! Lean on as many of your friend/family supports as you can to get you through this difficult time. And remember that NONE of it was your fault.

Post # 148
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Trickle-truth: A phenomenon whereby an individual who has betrayed their partner reveals the complete truth a little at a time, as opposed to all at once.

You either have a denier, a gusher or a trickler. A denier will deny the affair is happening, and make you feel like you are going crazy, filling you with self-doubt. A gusher will explode with all of the truth right away, whether they were caught or whether they willingly disclosed. A trickler, on the other hand, reveals information slowly, over time, possibly telling lies to conceal certain aspects of the truth until they are ready to let them out in a slow and controlled way, thereby delaying the betrayed partner from having the “complete truth” for some time.

Often these post-affair lies are about minimizing the nature of the affair relationship – whether it was sexual, how and where they met, the degree of romantic involvement, the financial spend, who else knew etc etc. The oft-protested rationale of the former cheater is that they lie to protect their partner from further pain, after all the hurt they’ve already inflicted.

And so the dance begins. The former cheater withholds ‘damaging’ information and presents a façade of truth while the faithful partner whittles away at the story. The betrayed partner begins to find that the details don’t corroborate, or their recollection is different to the new truth being presented to them, or they discover some tangible piece of evidence (emails, Facebook contact, strange earring in the bed…) that clearly unearths another lie. 

Your situation screams ‘trickle truth’ to me. How long was your supposed partner planning on romancing, kissing and being emotionally intimate with this other woman before he came clean? How likely is it that they shared a hotel room for hours, kissing and touching after months of build-up without sleeping together? If he genuinely ‘felt bad’ about the kiss and wanted to stop things, why would he take her out on a private dinner date that following night? And how did she get your number, anyway? What are the chances that the very first time they kiss he is ‘miraculously’ outed by a technological error?

He lied to you when the messages first came through, and he is lying to you now saying it was ‘just a kiss’ and nothing else happened because he thinks that is more ‘forgivable’ than sex. Keep digging and you’ll no doubt find that there is a lot more to this than he is telling you. He is a liar, a cheater, a gaslighter, and a worthless human being. Get an STI test ASAP and dump his things on the curb. Without honesty there is nothing to salvage in this relationship. He had a million opportunities to come clean, step back from this affair and say ‘no’, and instead he chose to betray you over and over again.

Post # 149
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honey you deserve better than what he can offer you. Trust me I’ve been exactly where you are.  Just pack your stuff leave the ring and go.  Realistically staying in the house that you have so many memories from will just make it worse.  Time to move on

Post # 150
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh yeah, and let’s not forget:

“Then I asked if he went right to his room from the airport and he got mad and said I was sounding very accusing, like I didn’t trust him.  He didn’t answer so I asked again.  He said that him and his coworkers went for a quick dinner and he went back to his room.  I told him all about the texts from Cindy.  I asked if his iPad was in her room.  He said no.  I said then let’s Skype right now.  He got mad and said my jealousy was really a turn off.

So we started bickering back and forth about whether or not he had actually left his iPad in her room.  According to her, he did, according to him, he did not. I asked if everything was so innocent, why did she hang up when I called and why would she call him Cutie?  He said she calls everyone Cutie.  I asked if she had a SO and he said she has a boyfriend but they’ve been having “problems” so he was there talking to her last night, but not in her room. 

He then had to abruptly go.  I said very sarcastically, to go to dinner with her?  He said I was really being annoying and that he’d talk to me later.  He did not answer my question.”

Remember OP, “your jealousy is a real turn off“. How dare you be so ‘annoying’ and not trust an upstanding man like him? /s

But seriously, what kind of utter DOUCHEBAG cheats on you, lies about it, and then blames you and tries to chip away your self esteem when you ask him to explain what is going on?

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