(Closed) Am I overreacting? : (

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 166
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

Well. I dunno. I would probably call it quits. If you decide to stick it out you’ve got a really long road ahead of you. With two major factors in play:

1) He works with her and will continue to work with her so that will make trusting him and getting past this that much harder. I mean, they made out. Presumably, there will be more business trips with her in the future. Sounds torturous for you.

2) She’s crazy. She clearly texted you all that on purpose because she wanted you to find out. Which means she’s dangerous and unstable and possible vindictive.

Do you think you can regain trust for him when he is working side-by-side with the unstable woman he made out with who has feelings for him? And going away on multiple overnight business trips with her? Because this is going to be incredibly difficult and painful for a really long time. He thinks you were acting jealous before?? How do you think he is going to handle the many ups and downs this is going to cause you for the next very long while?

Post # 167
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

I’d answer his call with your laptop at the the ready and ask for his passwords for everything. Facebook, email, etc. And access to his phone account so you can see his text logs. Get the passwords and access and then hang up on him and check out all his accounts. If he is sincere, remorseful and being 100% truthful, he will have no qualms about doing that.

Post # 168
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  I’m not saying whether or not you should stay with him, but, if you wanted to stay with him, I think he needs to cease contact with Cindy and that it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to find a new job. 

Post # 169
Member
2407 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I second what MissMarple said.  I don’t know how he can continue to work with Cindy.

I am sorry this is happening to you.  It sucks!

Post # 170
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also.. about Cindy.. she’s clearly a very frustrated women in love (hence the fact that she sent you those texts), which doesn’t excuse her behaviour at all, because she should never have gotten involved with an engaged man, but it is also yet another indicator of how your fiance treats women. : He had no qualms about leading Cindy on, about down-playing your relationship and probably promising her things in order to keep her interested, he had no problem disrespecting you to her and making her feel like she didn’t need to respect your relationship either if he didn’t.. He most likely had no problem lying to her, flirting with her.. giving her just enough to keep her interested but never more than that.. And now he’s doing more of the same instead of admitting he’s in the wrong: he’s disrespecting her, making out that she’s crazy and that he’s really the victim of her sex drive and of her ”turning up at the gym”.

Do you want to be with a guy who will criticize anyone around him and play the ”victim” just to try and save face and to get what he wants? :-/

Post # 171
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The face that your Fiance still went out for dinner, alone, with Cindy, after you had found out what was going on, would make this relationship over for me. 

And to add insult to injury, he then tells you that he has a ‘crush’ on her, and needs time alone to ‘figure things out’.

I would say that he guessed you were there when his friend called.  And he knows anyway that he’s going to look the bad person in all this, so I doubt he was totally honest with his friend.  

How would you ever be able to trust him again, particularly when he is travelling for his job?

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Baal.
Post # 172
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OP, I am so sorry to hear about all of this through your updates, and you are SUCH a strong woman, even if you don’t feel like it! You need to take this time (like you’ve said) to figure out what YOU want.

The last thing I will say about your Fiance is that he seems so weak by allowing Cindy to essentially “break him down” enough to just give in to her forcefully entering his personal life. What kind of coward doesn’t finally say to this woman, “Listen Cindy, you are a nice girl, and I like working with you, but you know that I have a Fiance, and that this type of behavior cannot continue. I would like to keep our professional relationship, but I will have to cut off all contact, even at work, if this persistence on your end to see me outside of work keeps up. I love my Fiance, and there’s no way this is going to happen.” Honestly, THAT is what he should have done if he was any type of man worth marrying. 

It is up to you to decide on your relationship, and we shouldn’t be here to judge you on it. Please update us if/when you know what you’re going to do. Sending good thoughts!

Post # 174
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I feel awful for you.

He’s only confused because you called him on his shit. Don’t let him play you like that..

You just got engaged, he tainted that by ripping a ring off your hand and being nasty to you.. Now he has a crush on a coworker and cheated on you, lied about it, and then made you feel like the whole situation was fabricated by your own jealousy.

I hope you can look at the facts of the situation objectively and realize you deserve better. If you’re newly engaged and he’s already cheated on you with a crush he developed.. What’s to come later?

Post # 176
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

Should have added taht if he gives you his passwords, go into his accounts immediately and change all the passwords so he can’t get access and start deleting evidence.

But honestly, if all these things need to happen – open access to his stuff, him changing jobs, and so on – is it worth it? Do you think it might be better all around to just call this one done and move on?

Post # 177
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  If he really wanted to break it off with her, he would have not done it over dinner. He would have told her then and there, even over the phone, if necessary, and would have started pleading undying love for you. The fact that he didn’t do that and that he instead took time out to think and talk to Cindy about it all, and then told you that he had a crush on her and needed time.. is really all the information that you need 🙁

 

Post # 178
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m so sorry. I don’t think this is something I could forgive, but like a PP said, only you can know if this is a dealbreaker.

Post # 179
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  I know he supposedly went to dinner alone with her to break things off but that is SOOOOO inappropriate after all that had just happened.  I agree with PPs:  If you decide to continue your relationship, it is not unreasonable for you to expect him to find a new job.  That wouldn’t even be up for debate with me.  

I’m so sorry.  I wish I could just give you a big hug and a box of chocolates right now.

Post # 180
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  I was married for 10 years and didn’t take my ex H to dinner to tell him it was over.  It was a 10 minute conversation.   

He knows that whatever he says to his best friend is going to get straight back to you.  I would truly doubt the veracity of anything he is saying. 

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