(Closed) Am I overreacting? : (

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 181
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

It’s weird how on the one hand he’s saying there wasn’t really anything going on but on the other hand, he “told her it was over’ and he ‘called it off’. What ‘it’ exactly? If there is something to call off then he obviously had something going on. So yeah. He was cheating if there was something that needed ending.

You are really doing the right thing by doing your best to look at all this without blinders on. He is still minimizing, blaming and otherwise not taking responsiblity. Oh, she was coming on to him so strong and a guy can only resist for so long and he finally just gave in. cuz it’s so.fucking.hard for a grown-ass man to say ‘please don’t call me cutie. Me, my fiance and the workplace don’t find that appropriate.’ Nope. It was just tooooooo hard and that itty bitty woman just broke him down.

Please. Classic deflection. What does that say about your future with him? He’s a weak-ass mamby-pamby who can’t resist the advances of all the man-eaters of the world. It’s not his fault!!!

If you listen carefully, he’s basically telling you that you’d be signing up for a liftetime of this bullshit if you marry him.

Post # 182
Member
782 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  I agree with Baal. What an insult! While you sit at home worried and anxious, he is out wining and dining another woman? WTH? And to break it off he said? Because you can’t break up without a glass of chardonnay and some surf n’ turf to temper the blow right?

 

WHAT A LIAR, OP!

 

You deserve miles and miles better. I think if you are strong enough to leave him, then your username will play out. ((((big hugs))))

Post # 183
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I feel like sometimes the person who gets cheated on feels uncertain of breaking off a relationship because the cheating didn’t go as far as it could have. It doesn’t have to go as far as it could have! He recognized that he was developing a crush and still pursued it. I don’t care if she was persistent. He knew where it would lead and went down that path. 

I know there are relationships that can move past cheating and become very healthy again. I can’t deal with cheating, especially when it comes so early in the relationship. This isn’t 25 years into a marriage with kids, eldery parents, long standing repeating issues involved. This is a newly engaged couple who should be completely focused on their relationship, not looking for a final fling before marriage. 

I also can’t stand that he so clearly embarassed you in front of his colleagues. They all knew what was going on and he cared more about his relationship with Cindy than how it would appear to colleagues. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Post # 184
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

Yeah. The whole dinner thing. gross.

So you get – you’re crazy and he won’t discuss your unfounded accusations and you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow. She gets – dinner to let her down gently.

I really hope you can see what that tells you about whose emotional well-being he really cares about here. Even knowing he’d been found out and that you were sitting at home in absolute torture wondering what was happening, he went out to dinner with her. He let you stew in immense pain while (supposedly) trying to minimize hers.

Like, what the fuck.

ETA: also, yeah, the coworker thing. It’s horrible, cheaters who do this shit in the open and publicly humiliate their partner like that. So fucking selfish.

Post # 185
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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interchangeable:  +1000

We can sit here and analyze his words all day but as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. He told you it’d be 30+ hours till you could talk to eachother and he used that time to take her to dinner. If he were remorseful AT ALL he would have been on the phone/skype/texting YOU profusely apologizing and explaining. But no, obviously he assumes you’ll wait on him and made her a priority. He’s not sorry he cheated, he’s sorry he got caught.

Post # 186
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

OP: I read the entire thread and wanted to say a few things.

1. I think it’s safe to say that the entire WB community is totally behind you and wishes you the best. I can’t imagine how much pain, shock, and anger you must be feeling, or will likely feel down the line. 

2. While I personally could never forgive my Fiance for cheating on me (100% dealbreaker, no second chances) and typically encourage women to escape from unfaithful partners ASAP, what makes your story especially saddening to me is that your Fiance shows signs of being emotionally abusive. I’m sure some bees will say that I’m stretching it but gaslighting IS considered a form of abuse and he definitely tried to gaslight you with regards to this situation. Other have mentioned it but I will also leave this here for you to read: http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/ In particular, PLEASE look at these points:

“The signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

  • You constantly second-guess yourself.
  • You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
  • You often feel confused and even crazy…”

The title of your board is “Am I overreacting” and throughout your posts it sounds like his actions have not only been deceptive and manipulative, but orchestrated to make you think that you’re nuts (you’re too “jealous”) – and then trivializing what happened (“It’s not as bad as you think”).

My BEST friend and Maid/Matron of Honor was emotionally abused in this manner for YEARS and it has taken her just as long to recover from the anguish brought about. Even if you can forgive the kiss (which I personally doubt it’s limited to, unfortunately), emotional abuse can develop gradually and get worse over time. I’d really look at this scenario as a red flag for many reasons and, personally, the gaslighting would be enough for me to leave.

3. I think 

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interchangeable:  hit the nail on the head best: while he was making you feel like you’re insane and insulting you, etc., he took this other woman out and gave her the full regalia in gentlemanly behavior. Sickening. Seriously.

Wishing you the best and the strength to get out of this horrible situation. 

Post # 187
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Op, after all these harsh truths that we’re all writing about this guy, I just want to add to please dont’ doubt that you’re an amazing woman who deserves a man who loves and respects her. None of this is in any way your fault, and if you possibly can, try and focus on the fact that you dodged a bullet here. Don’t waste time hating him or waste too much time in self-pity apart from the obvious time that it takes to absord the shock and grieve. As much as you can, focus your energy on the friends and good people around you who will support you no matter what.

Post # 188
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

 

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  Hold the phone. He took her out to dinner. Alone. Again. AFTER you found out. Was she so important that he couldn’t break it off in the hallway or by text? Wow.

Post # 189
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Um, what exactly is “it” that he needs to break off? Nope, he doesn’t need to take this girl out to dinner for that. Sorry, but it doesn’t sit well.

 

I am sorry this has happened.Please know that there is a supportive community here when you need it.

Post # 190
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
SunnierDaysAhead:  Break what off?! I think this is about more than a kiss if he felt it necessary to take her to dinner AFTER speaking to you..

You don’t deserve this. You couldn’t have predicted this. You CAN move on from this.

Post # 191
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

 

View original reply
liameowchelle:  THIS! THIS!

SunnierDaysAhead: I was cheated on. Twice. Two different guys. Both made it out to be my fault. I was “too angry”. I was “crazy”. I was making it a “bigger deal” than sticking your c*** into another woman really is.  I never really forgave them. Never. Our relationships tanked. Every moment after I found out about the cheating was a waste of my time. Wish I hadn’t been so self loathing and just walked.

 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by bassbee.
Post # 192
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

I feel for you. I really do. No matter how you look at it, you’ve got a rough several months ahead of you.

I understand your point about how awesome he is to you and that you would never have known this was even going on because of how he treats you. It’s easy to convince yourself that he is the wonderful, sweet, doting guy and not this cheating, cruel guy. But I think you really have to face the fact that he is both. He is the guy who can carry on behind your back and be unbelievably duplicitous and you have no. clue. whatsover. Don’t you see that is even scarier? At least if he had seemed distant, or troubled, or something, that might have given you an opportunity to nip things in the bud.

The fact that he can be so definitively compartmentalized that you had zero clue or notion that anything was going on should terrify you. And going forward, when he is being his usual wonderful, sweet, attentive self, it will never feel the same to you. You will always wonder what he is concealing. Always.

Post # 193
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I know how hard it is.  It feels like your whole heart and soul are torn out of your chest.  I’m sure you feel sick to your stomach and so betrayed.   But, you know what?   It will get better.  I promise. 

 

I strongly think you should leave him.  Otherwise, get used to the feeling you have right now for a very long time.  Because every work trip, every after work meeting, every time he’s at the gym, every time he doesn’t text/call back, you will feel this way.  You will be sick.  It will consume you.  You will have dreams of your man and Cindy.  I know this because I”ve been through it.

 

If you cut your ties now, you will feel sick for a while, but it will go away.  And you will find someone wonderful that you can trust and that would never cheat on you because of a stupid “crush”. 

 

I think it takes a special kind of asshole to tell you that you’re basically unappealing and your jealousy is unattractive, then goes to have dinner with his mistress.  Of course he’s blowing up your phone now.  He realizes he’s losing you and made a mistake.  What’s that saying about not knowing what you got til it’s gone?

It will hurt again when the texts/calls disappear, because eventually they will.  But it gets better.

 

Good luck- I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I hope you can find some peace.  Love yourself during this difficult time- you did nothing to deserve this.

 

Post # 194
Member
13809 posts
Honey Beekeeper

After the dinner with Cindy he told you he has “feelings” for her, is confused and needs time.  While they may have had a drama filled conversation about everything that went down, he most definitely did not break up with her for good. He is so full of it.

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