Post # 196
This is the most truthful piece of information on this entire board: Every moment after I found out about the cheating was a waste of my time. Wish I hadn’t been so self loathing and just walked.
<br /><br />I was cheated on by my boyfriend with multiple people across the course of our 3.5 year relationship. About a year into the relationship, I found an e-mail that was incredibly inappropriate, but the girl was in the Peace Corps and he swore up and down and around that he hadn’t physically cheated. His best friend also swore that he hadn’t because he had no idea either! Guys like this try to project their best image to the world, so often very few people know the actual truth.
In hindsight, every single second I spent in that relationship after finding that e-mail was a waste of time. I never trusted him again, and became the worst possible version of myself – I would snoop in everything and would instigate a blow-up fight at least once a month. It also killed my self-esteem that I stayed, because I felt like I had become a doormat and that’s the furthest thing from what I am. It took me years to get the resolve to leave, and once I did, I felt whole again.
I’m not going to lie, the next few months are the hardest months you’ll likely ever face, but suffering through them will ensure that you avoid the years of suffering that you would if you tried to mend the relationship. Just like a car that’s been totaled, this relationship is completely ruined.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but just know that many, many of us have been through that hell and back. If you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to empathize, you have us. Please don’t hesitate to reach out via PM.
Post # 197
He says he’s desperate to work things out with you, YET this is only after he’d already been caught. Remember, he lied to you and tried to turn this around on you when you pressed the subject.
Honestly, I think he’s a manipulator.
You deserve to be with someone who knows what he has WHILE HE HAS IT, not after he’s gambled it away. A man who loves you and respects you would never jeopardize the best thing he has in his life: YOU.
All I can think about is how he was going to let you marry him without ever saying a word about it, and that makes me sick. How can you ever trust another word out of his mouth? How can you ever not wonder down the line if he’s doing it again? How can you ever look at him the way you did before?
I don’t even know you and I’m angry at your fiance and feel horrible that you’re going through this. Think about what you want out of life and a partner and, knowing what you know, if he can truly give that to you after that.
Sending hugs your way.
Post # 198
I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but this is actually a blessing and you are lucky that this happened now before you got married. Imagine having this feeling 25 years from now after you’ve built a life together and have kids. That is what my mother went through when she found out that my father had been cheating on her for basically their entire marriage. She could not believe how normal and attentive he seemed when he was around but then turn around and have affairs with other women. Even on the worst of days when you feel like you can’t get through it, think of the long-term and keep this perspective that you are LUCKY that you never married this pathetic loser.
Post # 199
Sweet Bee, I feel so much for you and know how your stomach must just be in knots for the last couple days. I’ve been there.
But look at your username!! SUNNIER DAYS ARE AHEAD! I promise! And everyone here is totally on your side, totally gets what you’re saying–you’re NOT nuts, you ARE deserving of total love and commitment.
If you’re religious know that God gives us only what we can handle. If you’re not, believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This will make you stronger, better and wiser.
There are SUNNIER DAYS AHEAD!!! 🙂
Post # 200
I’m so sorry girl! He sounds like a sociopath completely devoid of compassion or sympathy…except when it comes to making himself seem like the good guy when he’s clearly not. In a sick way he sounds like Nick Dunne from Gone Girl. Maybe Cindy will be able to match him in terms of psycho behavior and she can be his Amy! Either way, you’re too good to be dealing with that mess.
What’s your living situation? Can you move out? Kick him out? It might be easier to have that settled by the time he gets back next week so you don’t have to deal with the nonsense of listening to him trying to defend his indefensible actions and guilt you into believing he’s still a decent or in any way worthwhile person (HE’S NOT). I know stuff like that takes time, but I think it’d be worth it. I’d want him to have to deal with even a TINY portion of the hurt and massive inconvenience he dealt me. I’d want to make sure that he at least had to face all of our friends who know what he did to me and make him sweat and scramble to figure out what he’ll do now after he’s torn his whole life apart with his bare hands. Personally, I would contact all my family and friends, explain that the engagement is off because he cheated on you, and then if anyone has more questions, tell them to ask him. 1) this would keep me from succumbing to weakness and potentially letting him weasel his way back into my life (which is a very normal and human thing) and 2) it would really throw into harsh light exactly how despicable he is. and he’d have to face it head on. Right now I have a sneaking suspicion that he still thinks he just made a little boo boo that can be fixed with flowers and “I love you’s.” He still thinks it wasn’t that bad and I bet he’s still annoyed at you, just like he was when he knew he was caught. That’s because you’re forcing him to look like the bad guy (because he is) and in his head he’s having an epic toddler tantrum. Actions have consequences. Dont’ let anyone tell you not to give him any. It’s not “bitchy” or “vindictive” to actually make him deal with them. Sometimes women are told not to act crazy or make a fuss even when their entire worlds have been torn apart by the selfish actions of others. If standing up for yourself is inconvenient for him, he will just have to pound sand.
Post # 201
dinner….to break off what? The one time make out session that he himself put a hard stop to?
If that’s really ALL that happened, it wouldn’t require a dinner to break it off, if that’s even what the dinner was about at all.
Honestly none of these details even matter. Bottom line is that if you were to walk down the aisle towards him, you’d always be staring at the guy who went months allowing unfaithful feelings and actions to grow and lied to your face about it in such a way that made you feel like the bad guy. And, if you were to get married, after getting married he will always be the guy who, in the back of his mind, knows you are the girl who let him get away with it. What do you think he will do the next time a little crush develops?
I know it’s so painful and hard to do, but please remind yourself how fortunate you are to have found out about his true character and what he’s capable of now. It would have been so much worse to find out later.
Post # 202
I just read your update about the 10pm phone call. My heart is breaking for you. A man who has proposed to a woman and made a commitment to marry her doesn’t get to have crushes, doesn’t need to evaluate what to do, etc. A man who understands and values commitment doesn’t get himself into that situation.
A little inspiration…I have a good friend, her Fiance cheated on her, she broke off the relationship immediately. A few months later she was dating someone else, a year after the breakup they were engaged, and in November they are getting married. Move on and move on fast, for your own sake.
Post # 203
I would also recommend that you disengage from any communication until he’s back. There’s no need for you to respond to any of his texts or phone calls while he’s gone. Let him freak out and sit in the dark like he made you sit in the dark. If that means entrusting your phone to your best friend, then do that. Take this time to focus on you and what you want going forward.
Post # 204
Head up. You know what you are dealing with now. He was clearly completely capable of lying and hiding and sneaking. Look forward now. You have till next week to start getting ready. Do you own the home/apartment or is it in your name? IF not I would start looking for a new place this weekend. If you do have ownership of the property, now may be a good time to call the Best Friend back over and start packing his clothes. If it gets too emotional, have your friend pack his closet and drawers. Clean out the bathroom. Box and Pile. Get rid of it. Heck, your BF and her boyfriend may even be willing to take his stuff to their place so you dont’ have to look at it. Either Way you have the luxury, though it DOES NOT feel a luxury, of time.
Get your ducks in a row.
Heck even if you need to move home with your parents, I bet you could be packed and out before he makes it back.
Post # 205
They may be best friends, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was lying and keeping up the “making out” story to him too. I mean, he dates your best friend. If he admits to his his best friend, best friend shares it with his gf/your best friend, your best friend tells you… it’s DONE. If hes “just making out” wiht her that *one night* (which i find hard to believe), he may be thinking that since it wasn’t sex there’s more of a chance you forgive him.
Post # 206
Dump this jerk. The man who is out there who will love you unconditionally is waiting for you to find him. Heal yourself and be happy.
Post # 207
I’m really sorry. I am so glad you are being level headed about this, props to you.
I’ve read every comment and all your updates…I just needed to really stress…as if there wasn’t enough to be furious about in this situation, after you found out and he admitted things, he THEN took her to dinner?!?! WHAT!!!!!!!!! Over comforting you?!?! WHAT!!!! I find that to be the most disgusting and disrespectful thing of all. What a complete a-hole.
You dodged a bullet girl. You sound very smart and level headed, meet a man who treats you as you deserve and isn’t “unsure” about things. good luck to you, stay strong, I promise you that you will get through this and youll be glad you did, especially when the man of your dreams comes along.
Post # 208
Well, against my better judgment, I called Cindy up. I so wish I had not.
I don’t need any more time to think that things are over between me and B, as B was there when I called her. Cindy kept trying to cover the phone and was saying things to B, but I could hear his voice. Any shred of feeling I had for B is completely gone.
I was going to try the approach a PP said, and say that B confessed everything. That blew up in my face. I got way too emotional and blurted out that she was a b*tch for going after my guy when she knew he had a girlfriend. Hearing he was there, when he had told me on the phone that things were “over” between them, was just too much for me to handle.
I screamed to her that she could have him, then I hung up. Not 2 seconds later B tried calling me. He’s tried calling me all night and I cannot answer his calls. Just hearing him in the background asking if that was me on the phone – and it sounded like he was trying to take the phone from Cindy to talk to me – just put me over the edge.
I hope this gets easier.
For those that asked, he moved into my apartment about a month ago. I can’t go near his things as it hurts to much. His clothes smell like him and it just makes my heart hurt. I slept on the couch the last 2 nights.
My poor little pup knows something is going on as she hasn’t left my side all night. I’ve taken her for 2 walks tonight just to get out. I’m trying to keep busy but it’s just so damn hard.
So for those of you that think it’s a good idea to call the other woman….don’t.
Post # 209
I’ve been stalking this thread, and I’m just so sorry that you are going through this. You sounds like an amazing, strong woman and I know that this will be a blip on the radar in your wonderful life ahead. Thinking of you and praying for your strength and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.
If I were you, I’d ask his friend to come over, pack his things and bring them to his house.
Post # 210
I wish I could give you a hugh irl! I know that this isn’t only the death of your relationship but also all the other plans you had with him. It’s so hard right now, and things are definitely going to be different, but they’re going to get better, I promise!