(Closed) Am I overreacting? : (

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 211
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

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alove31:  That’s a great suggestion, then she wouldn’t have to deal with him moving out slowly and all the crappy drama that he’ll stir up in doing so. Get his shit out of there and and make a clean break. I’m sure his friend will be happy to help you out.

Post # 212
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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SunnierDaysAhead:  Actually I think it might help in the long run, because it’s extra confirmation that B is a cheater and wasn’t serious about ending it with Cindy. That B*stard is still hanging out with her! ((((((Hugs again))))))

Remember, don’t automatically believe anything B says, because over the last few months B was been an extremely good cheater. He carefully covered his tracks and left you with no hint there was a problem. So if he tries to get back, remember, you are dealing with an expert liar.

If I was you, I’d spend the time until B returns, flushing him out of your life. Get your best friend around, box up all his stuff, and take it to his mother’s or to S’s house.

Post # 213
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I’m glad you have your pup to keep you company – they always know when something is up and their unconditional love is amazing.  I agree with aussiemum – get your best friend around and ask her to help you box up his stuff, don’t let him spend another night in your apartment.  Go and buy yourself some pretty new bed linen – don’t let him kick you out of your own bed either.

Post # 214
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SunnierDaysAhead:  My heart hurts for you – I know how terrible this feels and remember vividly that distinct knot in your stomach that grows with each discovery of how you’ve been wronged.  I wish I were in your city because I would seriously be there with a bottle of wine and a lighter to torch his things (I’m only half kidding).

The silver lining is that at least this call gives you the absolute answer you needed. You know this man will not change and thankfully you realized it before you walked down the aisle. 

Things will get better and life will get easier. At first, it’s incredibly painful, but as time moves on and you detach yourself from the situation, your head will clear. I guarantee that there will be a day when you look back on this situation and realize that it was the most precious gift that happened in your life. I know it’s hard to believe when you’re living it, but better now than in 25 years when you have a house and kids together. 

I know the thought process when you’ve been cheated on, so I just want to say this. Please don’t blame yourself or wonder why you weren’t enough. It took me months of counseling to realize that people cheat not because of their partner, but because of themselves. In the end, B is an insecure child and it has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING you said, did, or how you were. I only say that because I spent so much time becoming horrible insecure about myself until the epiphany occured that there was literally nothing I could have done, no one I could have been, to have changed the situation. 

Keep your head up, we’re rooting for you! 

Post # 215
Member
618 posts
Busy bee

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hippopotamus:  I completely agree – why on earth would this woman hang up like that? Something is going on, without a doubt. 

OP I haven’t read all responses or updates yet… so there might be more already. But honestly, if a collegue of mine left his ipad in a HOTEL room because we’d been sitting around watching a movie (?) or playing video games (?) or whatever (I honestly can’t imagine any of that really happening btw, but it’s more likely than talking about my relationships in a hotel room with a male collegue… what a bad excuse!) I’d text him and say ‘I have your ipad <insert name>. I’ll bring it to that stupid dinner with everyone tonight.’ Because we wouldn’t be having dinner alone without everyone else, unless it was fast food or something!

There’s no way I’d be calling him ‘Cutie’ (maybe jerkface?) or saying he looks hot without a beard etc. I wouldn’t have looked at the ipad either, you know? This is crossing the line. And if his Fiance answered my texts or called me I’d tell her straight I have her FI’s ipad and wanted to know where he was so I could return it… I wouldn’t hang up?!?!?! I’d want to be on good terms with his Fiance as we’re friends and collegues…???

Your Fiance should have told you nothing was going on… I’m sorry but this is really suss… I’d be checking my phone bill for her number and then changing the locks!

Post # 217
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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SunnierDaysAhead:  I have no words to express how despicable this man is. Every time I think he can’t possibly stoop any lower, he somehow manages it. Since you have a few days to work with before he gets back, I would suggest the following steps:

1) Enlist your friends and family. Let them know he cheated and ask for their help packing up his stuff in boxes so you don’t have to see or deal with it. Ask his family members or his best friend to come pick them up so they are out of your life.

2) Make copies of all important documents that you might need – financial and otherwise. Bank account information, pet records, copies of the lease, etc.

3) If you have any joint accounts, cards, gym memberships, etc. close or cancel them right away. When you feel strong enough you can cancel any wedding bookings and ask if they would be kind enough to give you back the deposit (but don’t be too upset if they say ‘no’ – such deposits are usually not refundable so it is at their discretion). A friend may also be able to help with this. It’s probably a good idea to send his share of any money to his own account rather than keeping it since you want this to be over quickly and cleanly.

4) If you can afford it, consider taking a mini vacation or having a few pamper days with friends. You deserve to have something to look forward to.

5) Book an STD test with your doctor – you have no idea what he might have passed on to you while he was off with (at a minimum) this other woman.

6) If he is not specifically on the lease, change the locks. He has no reason to be in your space any more. If he is on the lease, talk to your landlord and see when you can get him removed, THEN change the locks. Let him know that he will not be returning to your apartment then go no contact as soon as you can.

7) Consider keeping copies of your posts in this thread and writing down your feelings about the situation now to re-read in a few weeks for when your resolve to cut this scumbag out of your life starts weakening. He is going to be full of weasel words and apologies and “but it was only one kiss! How can you throw all of this away!??’. Don’t buy a single drop of his selfish, manipulative bullshit. The one who dropped a nuclear bomb on your relationship and blew it to pieces is him. You just chose not to keep living in the radioactive wasteland that he created.

Best of luck honey, you really don’t deserve any of this and there is someone so much better out there for you.

Post # 218
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SunnierDaysAhead:  Girl, I just want to say that you are so strong! I know it might not seem that way to you right now, and that I don’t know you other than from an online forum, but from your posts you seem so mature and level-headed. I’m also glad that you have your friends there to support you – they sound wonderful and are exactly the people you need around right now!  

I love the ring idea but I wouldn’t even give the ring back if I were you – I’d sell that baby and take a spa trip with the proceeds! 🙂 Legally, it’s yours, as engagement rings are deemed a “gift”. 

Post # 219
Member
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

never mind, the initial drama is past.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by .
Post # 220
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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steph5565:  Actually, depending on the state, an engagement ring is a “conditional gift”, and there has been a legal case in at least one US state where the man successfully sued for it.

I think the right thing to do is return to return the ring.

Post # 221
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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steph5565:  Legally, it’s yours, as engagement rings are deemed a “gift”. 

Depends on the state/country. Standardly speaking I think engagement rings tend to be a conditional gift based on marriage – i.e. after you are married you get to keep it even if the relationship ends, but before marriage it goes back to the giver. It can also depend on who chooses to end the engagement. Either way I think it is probably less complicated to just give it back.

Post # 222
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

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SunnierDaysAhead:  I’m so sorry.  I think it might be best if you don’t see him again.  If your friends will help pack up his stuff, and leave it on the doorstep, and you go out with your best friend when he comes back that would maybe be best.  Why put yourself through anything more.  He’s definitely not trustworthy.  You deserve so much better.  It’s crappy, but there will be sunnier days ahead.  (Hugs)

Post # 223
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Also, depending on what country/state you live in, kicking him out may not be so easy. After 3 weeks living somewhere, a person establishes residency at which point it would be against the law  to change the locks and put his stuff on the curb.  You would actually need to go through the eviction process to force him to move. So you might want to check with your local law enforcement agency before he returns. Im all for you dumping the bum, but it would suck if he called the cops and you had to let him back in. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by msfreemis.
Post # 224
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Ugh. I’m so sorry. Like PP said. It’s all in your username. It’a going to suck and suck big time, but don’t let him waste another second of your life. Have S and your friend pack his things, or crash at their place until you can move out. Big hugs to you. I waa really hoping we all got it wrong. I’m glad to know you have friends on your side who will help you through this. You will wake up one day and it won’t hurt anymore to hear his name. You won’t hate him or Cindy…you just won’t care. You’ll move on and be successful. Just think, once a cheater, always a cheater and if they cheat WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you. I guarantee he’ll move on from Cindy once all the excitement of the affair rubs off. Don’t even spend time or energy trying to get back at them. Just walk away. They’ll punish themselves. He’s not only lost an amazing woman (and strong too. I love to hear you come to the conclusion that you’re better than this), but he’s also lost a friend. S seems disgusted with him. People don’t like to hang out with toxic people. It just brings you down. Stay busy and soon enough, you will realize this was a blessing that you aren’t married with children. 

Post # 225
Member
495 posts
Helper bee

Feel so sorry for you.  Wishing you lots of support and hugs.  You are lucky that you have found out now.  It is his big fat loss, not yours.  He doesn’t deserve you.  Soon he will realise the big mistake he has made, but it will be too late then!!  chin up! There is soemeone way more special out there waiting for you! 🙂

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