(Closed) Am I overreacting? : (

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

SunnierDaysAhead:  I know you’re trying to process a lot right now – and maybe even trying to see a different story – but I would highly recommend texting Cindy back and try to get her side of the story. If you can come across as non-threatening as possible, maybe she will take kindly to you and share something. I’m so sorry this is happening OP.

Post # 47
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m going to play devils advocate here, since I’m the one that travels for work and not my Fi. When I travel with coworkers, we hang out together a lot. We lose track of time and sometimes I get back to my room (or kick everyone out of my room so I can go to bed) a lot later than I expected to, and my Fi is already asleep when I try to call. Sometimes we hang out in one person’s room, and sometimes we bring booze (cheaper than drinking and hanging out at the hotel bar and we have strict per diem allowances). Some of us have little pet names for each other. Some of us have answered each other’s phones. And none of us has cheated on our partners. My Fi doesn’t love that I’m out late and that I miss our good night calls but he tolerates it because that’s what happens at work trips, and he accepts it. If he got accusatory with me, I’d be absolutely livid and if he wanted to hash it out on the phone instead of waiting till I got home, I’d hang up on him because, even though I’m having a good time with my coworkers, I’m There to work, and an irrational fight with my SO is going to really screw up my ability to work.

i’m not defending your fiancé but I do think you need to calm down, relax, let him have his chance to talk to you, and that may mean waiting till he gets home. There is a big difference between a situation that is outside of your comfort zone and one that is inappropriate, and I’m just saying do not jump to conclusions. Let him explain and keep an open mind before you start putting his stuff out on the curb.

Post # 48
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

MrsEME:  The ‘hunny bunny’ thing could go either way, I think. It could mean that she is acknowledging their relationship in a friendly fashion, but if they are having some kind of affair it could also be a jab at him/the OP. Like “yeah, it has that picture of you and your ‘hunny bunny’ on it – how long are we going to keep up this charade? Come have dinner with me because we’re on MY turf now – oh, and did I mention that I find your beard sexier than she does?”.

If you look at the text, it definitely has some very worrying things going on when you break it down.

“Yes because it has a picture of you and your hunny bunny on the lock screen.”

This could be innocent, but even in a best-case scenario, this is somewhat over-friendly for a coworker. Either she is gently teasing him about his relationship to emphasise her friendship/emotional intimacy with him, or she is being passive-aggressive by using ‘hunny bunny’ and taking a potshot at Fiance for playing both of them. She might even be bringing it up in a snarky way because the picture bothers her.

“I thought she didn’t like your beard.”

Here the message goes from possibly innocent to looking very shady. She is showing off with this line. “Look how well I know you and your relationship! ;)” Note that she is also subtly putting down the OP by reminding her coworker of a point of dispute between him and OP. She is also letting him know that she pays attention to him physically.

 “I think it makes you look sexier :)

This is the worst part for me. She is openly contrasting the OP with herself and intentionally making the OP look bad in comparison. “I find you sexy right now, she doesn’t! Aren’t I so much more open-minded than she is? Isn’t she kind of a drag?”

Even if OP’s partner really isn’t interested, I’d wager good money that the coworker is. That looks like pretty clear flirting complete with barely concealed nastiness against the OP to me. I’m not surprised the coworker is having ‘problems’ with her boyfriend.

Post # 49
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Penang1885:  Nailed it.

It’s either something is going on between them both, or this female coworker needs a serious talking to by her Fiance.  Those jabs are unacceptable.

Post # 50
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It is more likely that they are being inappropriate.  I think if it were me, his bags would be on the doorstep.  

Post # 51
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

SunnierDaysAhead:  He’s busy and can’t call until tomorrow? Tell him for him there will be no tomorrow unless you calls you RIGHT NOW. This is unacceptable. 

You are better than that. You should matter more than that. Whatever he’s doing, you should be his number one priority. It doesn’t matter how irrational he thinks you are being, the fact that you’re upset means he NEEDS to call you back immediately. You deserve at least that. 

I travel for work 4 days a week. I have never once been in too busy of a situation that I can’t fake a bathroom break to call my significant other if I know it’s urgent. Even on our most killer nights, when we have a client deliverable due in the morning and it’s 3am and we’re way behind, I could literally take two minutes to call and explain why I couldn’t talk for longer. 

Because I travel for work 4 days a week, I’ll also corroborate what one of the PPs said about travelling, there are elements of his story that aren’t necessarily malicious. You do become close with coworkers while on the road and I have had countless dinners with colleagues of the opposite gender one-on-one. The fact that they’re eating together is not necessarily a romantic thing. In fact, it most likely is not. I have been inside my colleagues hotel rooms as well, albeit very infrequently (maybe 3 times total in 4 years of weekly travel). Typically it’s because one of them has been upgraded to a suite and we have work to do so we’ll congregate there since it’s the best option for a working space. Although, if my colleague was of the opposite gender, I would find it a little odd. We also do tend to talk a lot about our significant others on the job (it’s an easy topic of conversation), so even the fact that she knows about your relationship isn’t all that odd. 

There are elements of his story that don’t pass the sniff test though. The fact she hung-up on you. The fact he’s so defensive. The fact that she said he looks sexier with a beard. The fact she calls him cutie. The fact that she’s texting your phone (that’s so bizzare!!!). 

Bottom line: you should hear him out and trust your gut, but I say there’s a lot of fishy things going on here. 



Post # 52
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

SunnierDaysAhead:  I just wanted to stop in and give you an internet hug… I think many of us can empathize with how you are feeling right now, from our own experiences.

I’m sorry, bee. I really hope it’s a big misunderstanding. If it’s something else, well, then I wish for things to sort themselves for your highest good in short order… Big, big hugs.

Post # 53
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

If it was me? I’d turn off my phone and not check my emails until he returns home. Why give him the power to dictate when and when you don’t speak? You tried to make contact, he was, frankly, an ass, now it’s his turn to sweat it out. 

Contacting Cindy is not likely to get you the information you need – she’s clearly demonstrated that she knows about you, and has no respect for you (whether there’s something going on or not). 

Honestly, whether he has cheated or not, the way he is treating you is terrible. You aren’t something that has to be endured, you’re his future wife. It’s his job to love, comfort and respect you. He’s marrying you, warts and all, and even if you are a jealous person (you seem fairly reasonable so far), he should know that acting like this is going to hurt you and your relationship. I might even arrange to stay somewhere else for a few days after he returns to really let him know that this is serious. You can also use the time to reflect on whether or not you want to marry a man who treats you like this.

I’m so sorry. I hope you can find peace one way or the other.

Post # 54
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

SunnierDaysAhead:  he definitely texted her from your phone the day before to tell her NOT to text his phone as he left it at home,with you.

Post # 55
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

soy: That is a really good point. I have nothing to add, but OP I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s definitely super sketchy. Please keep us updated!

Post # 56
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

I don’t use apple products as a general rule so I don’t know, but is it possible she got your number from his ipad? Maybe she’s trying to cause trouble.

Post # 59
329 posts
Helper bee

Oh sweet bee!  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Just remember how strong you are and that you deserve a man who will treat you like gold.  I’m sending you good energy.  Be strong! 

Post # 60
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It definitely sounds fishy to me and you are not overreacting. Trust your gut about this, don’t accept his excuses. 

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