Post # 1
Fiance got upset with me this morning because I was attempting to go through household chores and discuss what needs to be done. I wanted to wrap up gifts and mail them (which I had been talking about for a week now) and get a curtain rod to put up the curtains (also something that I’ve been talking about for a week). He was upset that I wanted help with these things and said that I was “ruining the weekend” (I think he wanted to watch Football) and stated that I was yelling at him (I wasn’t yelling, I was just saying that we needed to do these things) and that I’m always asking for things to be done.
I’m pretty pissed about this but I’m also a sensitive person. Am I overreacting? I just feel like I would never accuse him of ruining an entire weekend, even if I were mad, because it’s hurtful. I feel like when he gets frustrated he is quick to say things like this.
Post # 2
I guess more context is needed. How long had you guys been awake before you started listing off chores? In our house, Saturday mornings are definitely more relaxed. If I woke up and my husband started listing off things I needed to do, then I’d be annoyed too. He was over the top saying you’d ruined the weekend though. Sounds like it’s communication issues more than just the chores.
Post # 3
We had been up for a couple of hours and had already eaten breakfast. He had also stated that he wanted to clean some things but when I needed help with wrapping the gifts for packing (I can’t wrap for my life) he got very irritated and tore off the wrapping paper that I had attempted, wadded it up and tossed it, and then continued to get upset and say that I ruined the weekend.
Post # 4
It sounds like you were both overreacting if I’m honest.
Were you insisting that the wrapping was done while/ rather than him watching football?
Did he say he needed to clean some things and you felt the chore you planned to do was more important? I’m just trying to understand how this even escalated.
Post # 5
I think that it escalated because he doesn’t typically let me know what he actually wants and he becomes irritable or passive aggressive about things instead. On occasion, he skips over being irritable or passive aggressive and just says something mean and unrelated which is what I think happened in this scenario. I think that instead of telling me that he didn’t want to help right then, or that he wanted to do something else, he popped off with a mean comment which is what I’m upset about.
Post # 6
You sound like you weren’t respecting his plan for himself for the day, and this probably was hurtful & frustrating for him.
Post # 7
But he did tell you he wanted to do something else, he just told you he was going to clean something and you basically said ‘no I want you to help with and it’s more important’.
I definitely think he overreacted and was out of line but I do think you overreacted too and read the situation in a way to suit you.ByCandlelight :
Post # 8
I think you need to mutually come up with your plans and priorities, and then take responsibility for doing your part. Honestly, who cares if you’re a bad gift-wrapper? As long as the wrapping paper covers the gift, it’s fine. You won’t get better if you always make him do it.
Post # 9
ByCandlelight : I do think you are being over sensitive. Especially because this seems like such a minor disagreement to be making a whole post on it. My Darling Husband also can get a little prickly when I start to bring up chores and errands early on a weekend morning. I do not force him to do any of them with me I just mention the ones that I would like to get done during the day and I start doing them. He then usually chooses the ones to help me with.
Post # 10
Maybe I’m just a terrible wife, but if I am nicely mentioning a couple chores I need my husband’s help with and he throws a fit and rips wrapping paper and says I’m ruining his weekend – then I would get annoyed for sure. Like, you can watch plenty of football and still help accomplish a couple useful things.
Post # 11
Yes you’re way overreacting. Go wrap your own presents.
Post # 12
Obviously I didn’t witness this scene, so I don’t have the full context, but I definitely would be annoyed if my husband reacted so immature and rudely when I asked him for help with a chore he’s known about all week. When in that situation, my SO usually asks “can I finish this for a minute?” if he’s working on a different chore.
So I’d be annoyed and let him know that’s not an appropriate way to respond when he doesn’t want to help, but that’d be it. It wouldn’t be worrisome enough for me to post here.
Post # 13
I find that tone and timing are really key to these kinds of conversations. My husband is a bit more up and at em than me on weekend mornings, and I find it really irritating when I feel like I’m being scolded or nagged about things I was already planning on doing later.
It shouldn’t be one person dictating a schedule of demands, but more of a discussion of what you can get done together that weekend. Since he was already planning on doing some cleaning, you could have just wrapped the presents yourself or offered to do the cleaning while he wrapped. (this is assuming he normally pulls his weight around the house)
That said – he acted like a giant brat about it. Pitching fits about ‘ruining weekends’ is for 8 year olds.
Post # 14
@wolfeyes I’m like you – I’ll get things done eventually but it takes me a while to “hatch” in the morning. I need a few cups of coffee and the paper and a snuggle with the pets before I’m ready to go.
OP, it sounds like both of you were communicating past each other instead of to each other a bit. His reaction was out of line but it sounds like there might have been some build up under the surface that you didn’t realize.
Because I’m not really a chores-right-away sort of person it’s been helpful in our relationship for my fiancé to say to me “when do you want to do [chores/activity he wants me to do with him]. Then I give him a specific time and stick to it and he doesn’t have to feel like he’s nagging me. Maybe this would help with your SO?
Post # 15
On occasion, he skips over being irritable or passive aggressive and just says something mean and unrelated which is what I think happened in this scenario.
No, just no. Nagging, scolding, whatever Hive perception is does not give the husband both blanket and transactional immunity to be so disrespectful of his wife.
Wadding wrapping paper and throwing it? That sort of behavior should be outgrown long before puberty. I have serious questions about his impulse control or lack thereof.
As for passive aggressive behavior, I have near zero tolerance.
The mean and unrelated comments are concerning. Saying you ruined the weekend is pretty obnoxious. Can you give us more examples of mean and unrelated?
I do not see this as some sort of mutual combat or bad behavior provoked by your nagging or scolding or whatever you were doing.