Am I Overreacting

posted 2 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 16
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think it’s time to talk about communication skills and expectations for how things go around the house. Both sides sound like pre-loaded large reactions which probably means that there are some things simmering that lead to random blow ups like that. Being helpful by wrapping some presents and running a few errands does not ruin a weekend and throwing stuff is just not an acceptable way to react. When someone accuses you of yelling and you aren’t, it generally means they feel that they are being yelled at. It’s a feelings thing, not necessarily literal. Because it doesn’t sound like you said much, I really think there’s other stuff that isn’t being said. This stuff is so avoidable with good, consistent, open communication.

If my husband reacted that way when I did the same thing you did, I would be concerned, not upset. It would be a clear indication that something was very wrong with him. 

Post # 17
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Hmm, for him to rip off your wrapping and throw it away is fucking mean. Just mean. Way to be a baby. Lol not a team-player, Mr. Football.

Next time I guess you’ll have to plan stuff you’d like to do on the calendar to not interrupt his wants. To me it sounds like you’d been talking about wrapping gifts for a time and he just didn’t want to do it. I would give him one look and tell him he can do all his shit on his own, too.

Post # 18
Member
9641 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

throughthelookingglass87 :  

I’m going to disagree, sort of. 

It could be that some people wrongfully accuse their partners of yelling because the listener feels yelled at. An alternative hypothesis:  claiming that OP was shouting when she knows she wasn’t—gaslighting.

Post # 19
Member
46984 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you both could improve your communication.

Why not ask him to sit down and plan the weekend with you? Ask him what he needs/wants to do, add in what you need/want to do, then come up with a plan. Each of you can choose some of the chores that need doing and decide when to do them, with the understanding and agreement that they will get done before the weekkend is over. Make sure you include some fun for both of you, which doesn’t necessarily mean doing everything together.

Post # 20
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

Seems like you both overreacted. I’ll be honest, if my banana nut muffin was attempting to interrupt NFL time with chores and nagging, especially chores that weren’t an absolute necessity at that moment, then that might have triggered an instant attitude. I wouldn’t have thrown a toddler tantrum like your SO did but I wouldn’t have been very open to listening about stuff I clearly didn’t want to do right then either. Especially if I already knew it needed to be done and planned on doing it in my own time. Gift wrapping? Get some pretty bags and call it a day. 🤷‍♀️ Not really worth the hassle of arguing. Timing can be everything sometimes. Seems like your communication in general could use a little work.

Post # 21
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your Fiance reacted childishly, and I would not be happy with that reaction. I do think he needs to addresss this. However, his behaviour aside, have learned the hard way myself that sometimes you have to change the way you plan weekends when you become a team. 

I love planning, enjoy chores and errands (!)  and being organised. Darling Husband loves to relax, chill and takes a looong time to wake up at the weekends. To me initially, it felt like he’s wasting half his day! But you have to adapt if you want a harmonious home life, because BOTH of your needs are important. 

Now I ask Darling Husband what he wants to/ needs to do that weekend and I make sure I make time to do “fun stuff” for him as well as us taking on errands (which he will always help with)

Post # 23
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

ByCandlelight :  Were you dictating to him or did you make a request? Was it “you need to do these things” or “hey babe, do you think you could help me with a couple things today?”

If you aren’t a good wrapper, get gift bags. Make your life easier. The curtain rod thing I get. I’m pretty self sufficient and do not ask for help with many things but curtains are something my husband helps me with. However I make a request I don’t tell him things need doing. The “honey do list” is insulting and implies that men are not capable of simple tasks because they are menial.

My husband does not watch sports and I hate sports culture to be honest. It dictates peoples entire lives for entire weekends for months. I don’t get it. 

Post # 24
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

In what way are these “her” presents or “her” curtain rod? I imagine the gifts are from both of them. Sounds like she was asking him to be an active participant in household chores and instead of asking for extra time or compromising, he threw a fit like a teenage boy.

Post # 25
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee

I think your fiance’s reaction was a bit over the top but I also think you were being oversensitive.

My husband travels a lot for his work, especially this time of year, and many of those travel days include weekends.  So his weekends off are really precious and he tends to veg a lot more than I do.  I recently went from working every other weekend to every third weekend so when we both have a weekend off there’s a huge list of things I want to get done.  However, because I understand how much he works, I pick and choose where I really need the help.  Something like hanging a curtain rod – yes, definitely a two person job.  Wrapping presents – nope, that’s something I can handle myself.  I pride myself on being very self sufficient and if he said he wanted to watch football, there’s no way I would tell him that I was expecting him to wrap presents.

I agree with you both needing help with communicating.  He needs to not be passive aggressive and I think you need to pick and choose your battles.

Post # 26
Member
9641 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

What does over sensitive even mean?

By what yardstick is our sensitivity measured?  Who determines what is excessive? Inadequate? Is your sensitivity something you should be expected to change about yourself at the dictates of others?

Our sensitivity is innate. It’s part of who we are. Being a highly sensitive person is a lovely trait. It’s generally a companion to empathy, which is one of our greatest gifts. Maybe it’s our greatest gift.

When someone tells you you’re too sensitive, what they’re usually saying is: Not only do I have an absolute right to treat you disrespectfully, watch this—I can flip it and make it your own fault.

If a normal, kind person says something that hurts another person, the normal person feels badly about it, even if the comment was not intended to be malicious in any way. Decent humans just don’t enjoy causing emotional pain.

If the kind person is genuinely perplexed about why the other is hurt, the decent person asks. Often, it’s just a simple misunderstanding. They talk about it.  The decent human may never be able to see it quite the way the other does, but at no time does the other get attacked and blamed for her own feelings.

Post # 27
Member
2352 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sassy411 :  so, you don’t think it’s disrespectful to “nag or scold” another adult? Personally, if my spouse did that, I would be pissed.

Post # 28
Member
9641 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

jannigirl :  

Does being pissed justify treating your partner disrespectfully?

Is there no better way? What if someone has the emotional maturity to actually talk, like a grown up. Adults can express a plethora of emotions, including annoyance, using words.

If the husband felt nagged or scolded, and this is only an assumption.  We have no idea what the husband was thinking or feeling. But, let’s make believe, for our purposes, that he felt scolded and nagged.

Following your logic, he would be entirely justified in throwing paper, yelling, and making disrespectful comments to his wife. 

Had she responded in kind, this thing could have escalated into gawd knows what. Suppose instead of ranting and throwing paper around, he shot her instead? He has a valid defense, right?  Your honor, she nagged me!

If this sort of behavior is typical for the husband, the wife’s hurt becomes even more understandable.

But, the real takeaway is that nagging and scolding do not grant carte blanche to the scoldee to behave like a jackass.

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