Am I overreacting? BF of 3 years gave me a promise ring

posted 1 year ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Okay and what happened after all that? What happened when you started telling people you were engaged? He just let you and didn’t say anything? 

Post # 47
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

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@elodie2019:  wow! I guess it takes all types to make a world but that is straight out loonbaggery.

Post # 48
Hostess
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@endlessloop:  ooohhh, I think you’re talking about Darcy from 90 day fiancé, not the show that was initially referenced. But that’s what I thought at first too until I read it was a reality show about pool players.

In any case, OP, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re having to walk through this right now. You’re the only one who can decide where to go from here, but I can tell you if it were me I don’t know that I’d be able to get over him going along with a parent about being engaged and then telling you “wait, actually, remember that who time we had that whole convo about being engaged? Yeah, well we’re not…so you go handle untellimg everyone you told.”

You two should have a serious conversation, but I just don’t know if I could be with someone who put me in such a hurtful and embarrassing position like that with my friends and family. And that’s not even the whole issue, that’s just the part that would at current burn the most for me.

Sending hugs and strength as you come to a decision on next steps. 

Post # 49
Member
49 posts
Newbee

Bee, you have every right to be upset. But honestly? I don’t believe that it was intended to be a promise ring. If he “went along with it” for a few days, I think perhaps he had proposed and got cold feet and looked for a way out. I could be wrong, but that’s my 2 cents. Promise rings are not for grown adults who’ve been together for three years. “Take a shit or get off the pot” as they say. 

Post # 50
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you stay, you’re volunteering for more of the same selfishness, lack of commitment, humiliation and pain.  

This isn’t a silly misunderstanding.

A man who will allow you to believe you were making one of the biggest steps you could make as a couple when he has no intention of doing it simply does not have your best interests in mind– and doesn’t believe hurting you like that will cost him the relationship. Whatever else he has done, this is who he is. Believe him.

Leave, or volunteer for whatever comes next.

Post # 51
Member
519 posts
Busy bee

Yeah you’re not over reacting. But I would not be telling him being engaged doesn’t mean you have to get married right away. You could be walking into being perpetually engaged and never married. So he lives with you all this time. Does he live with you because he couldn’t afford to get a place all by himself? Whats in it for him? It’s like he is living married but doesn’t want to BE married. 3 years is plenty of time. I agree with your feelings. It’s like a shut up ring. I would not wait any longer… but it’s hard to act on that, I understand. I just don’t see a guy giving a promise ring after being together 3 years and living together to be someone who intends to marry, ever. 

Also, just saying, if he gave you this ring and you kinda knew it was a promise ring but you decided to pretend it was an engagement ring in hopes it would make it into an engagement ring and hope he’d go along with it- it wouldn’t work out. You’d end up right back here with him. You can’t force anyone’s hand. 

Post # 52
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nope. Nope. Nope.

The fact that you’re still there is impressive, because I would have punched him in the face and told him to go eff himself. Sorry bee, that is beyond low. Promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their 30’s who have been cohabitating for years. I’d be done, but that’s just me. 

The icing on the cake is that he let you go on for days telling people you’re engaged. He’s an asshole and you deserve better. He’s also a massive idiot if he thought giving a PROMISE RING to his adult live-in girlfriend of several years was a good idea.

Post # 53
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee

He should be embarrassed. Promise rings are for teenagers. 

Post # 54
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

I honestly don’t see the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring. The promise part of the promise ring (if I understand the 15 year old sentimentality behind it) is “I promise you my whole heart forever.” 

At 30ish, that means you’re promising that you’re dedicated to an eventual marriage. Which is an engagement. People can be engaged for years before marriage. 

I would be willing to bet he realized he HAD TO put a ring on it before you turned 30 so he wouldn’t have to get the “my clock is ticking” ultimatium. And he more than likely realizes other men your age are getting to the “I’m ready to settle down” point, and you probably look like a super wonderful option to them without a ring on your finger. He’s marking his territory. 

I’d straight out tell him that the promise needs to be that you will be engaged within the year, and that you are happy for him to use the money from his Territory Ring for your engagement ring. Even better, that you loved the ring as it was and want it returned to you on bended knee. 

Post # 55
Member
13647 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Putting aside how disgusting it was that he let you assume you were engaged, tell the world etc., I’m curious what his excuse is for not being ready? Are you saying that to make matters even worse he’s mostly given you the silent treatment since this happened or refused to take responsibility?

Even if he had the best reason in the world for not being ready at 30 after 3 years of living together, which is far fetched on the face of it, do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way? 
 
By the way, just because he didn’t get down on one knee and say the words “will you marry me” doesn’t mean that wasn’t a proposal. He made a whole thing about the box, then literally asked you to spend your life with him and put a ring on that finger. That’s a proposal.

If he didn’t get cold feet he’s the most insensitive or clueless man on the planet. 

Post # 56
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You are NOT overreacting. Putting a ring on that finger on your anniversary while telling you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you…sitting back while you announced that you were engaged, and then pulling the rug out from under you? You seem quite calm about all of this, more calm than I would be.

Sit him down and ask him if he’s willing to set a date and begin planning a wedding. If he is, great. If he’s not, after living together for three years and approaching 30 years old, then you have your answer: he’s still not sure he wants to marry you. And you’ll have some decisions to make. 

Post # 57
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

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@workingonmynightcheese:  A promise ring and an engagement ring are not the same. A promise ring is something teenagers give to each other to promise they will get engaged/married someday (you know, when they are adults). 

Telling OP to accept the insulting ‘promise’ ring from a 30yr old man, after he clearly led her to believe it was an engagement ring and let her share the news with others, is not good advice. OP’s boyfriend is either best-case-scenario stupid or worst-case-scenario cruel. 

 

Post # 58
Member
3836 posts
Honey bee

I am so sorry to hear this . I am sorry he played with your emotions like that . 

Post # 59
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

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@peach11:  Hi there. I must not have been clear. I understand the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring,  but – like you said – I don’t think a promise ring applies to a 30 year old woman… it’s an engagement ring when you’re promising to spend your life with someone if you’re over 18. Really, the only “advice” I gave was to insist that – if he wants to put a ring on it – he propose like a grown man.

Post # 60
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

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@Hopeless_R0mant1c:  pic of the Ring?

Sounds like an engagement that he took back after the fact! 

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