Post # 1
Fiance and I had the worst argument ever last night and I need some perspective from you lovely bees. I was a waiting bee and have gotten great support here and am hoping you could give me some insights.
So Fiance has been under a lot of pressure and stress due to longer hours and more responsibility at work. He’s miserable and pretty much tired all the time, which I understand but I have been kind of annoyed and also frustrated by the lack of progress on wedding planning because of his lack of energy as well as less quality time. He is on board with planning and is interested in picking venders and stuff but just not progressing and I am way ahead in that department…
Last night I nagged (I admit) him while he was studying and he blew up at me and yelled. He never yells but I guess he reached his limit then. I was shocked and really upset that I can’t get over it. I realize that I’m in bad partially, but I am really annoyed by his yelling at me.
He wants to talk tonight but I’m not sure. We don’t live together so I can choose to not see him and not talk until I want to. I feel like maybe it’s best to talk right away and try to resolve or whatever, but, I also feel like I don’t have to right now and also want to make sure to not let him feel like he can get away with it.
Am I close minded?
Post # 3
You should definitely talk sooner rather than later even if the situation is a bit raw.
As you said, it’s clear that you didn’t know he’d reached his limit and nagging didn’t help. We all nag and we all yell sometimes, don’t take the yelling itself too personally.
Sounds like you both need to air your feelings rather than bottling them up or letting them out through nagging/yelling. You both need to apologise for your behaviour.
Communicating is key.
Hope this helps, best of luck.
Post # 4
Post # 5
Definitely talk it out ASAP. It’s hard to be really burdened by many things all at once and then add to it the emotional nature of the wedding… YIKES!!! But something Fiance and I have done is to set an appointment for wedding chatter. We have Sunday brunch together, either in the house or at a restaurant, and chat about the wedding. We each have assignments that have to be completed by the next appointment. Maybe doing it this way will ease his stress about the situation and you’ll feel much more at ease because you’ll be able to see his work and feel like he’s engaged. Good luck!!!
Post # 6
You definitely need to talk as soon as you can and figure out what’s going on. He was studying, so he was clearly busy and not in the right mindset to talk about weddings. If Fiance nags me about anything when I’m studying, I get super upset. Unless it was something that needed attention that second, you should have waited until he was taking a study break or was done for the night before “nagging” him.
Post # 7
@gramgeek: I used to get annoyed at Fiance about wedding planning, but the reality is is that he is extremely busy and simply doesn’t have the time to invest into the planning like I do.
I think it was wrong of you to nag him while he was studying. I think if you had the time to nag him that YOU should be planning during that time and not putting pressure on him to rush through his schoolwork so he can talk about decor.
I ended up doing all of the wedding planning myself. I saw how the stress was affecting him and it wasn’t fair because he already had so much on his plate. Now I only discuss the big details with him and take care of everything else myself. We are both happier because of it.
Maybe you should schedule wedding planning times when he has some free time. Meet at a bookstore or something and already have your research done and then provide him with two or three options to choose from together.
Good luck. I understand what you’re going through but you need to realize when you’re asking your Fiance for too much and it appears with him yelling at you that you are.
Post # 8
As hard as it may be, I also think you should talk to him ASAP because it’s never good to let an argument that could potentially be resolved fairly quickly turn into a simmering grudge that blows up. But *hugs* because Darling Husband and I also got into a big argument last night. We’re going through a really stressful time and sometimes these arguments just happen. Good luck 🙂
Post # 9
@gramgeek: “ and also want to make sure to not let him feel like he can get away with it” – I’m sorry, but from what you’ve described it seems like it was you who may have done something inconsiderate. It doesn’t seem fair that you would want to punish him for not planning because he has been working long hours and studying too.
I do know how you feel. My Fiance works insane hours that are often opposite to mine, so even though he wants to, he hasn’t been able to do as much planning as I have. I wish we could do it all together, but I respect that he works hard to build our life and because he has ambition.
Maybe sit down and talk about what would be the most important things that he and you would like to decide on together. It will make sure that he has input on the stuff that counts, without asking too much of him.
Post # 10
@ryliellen: I’m pretty sure she meant not letting him get away with yelling at her. It doesn’t matter if she nagged him just a little too much, she shouldn’t have to put up with being yelled at! If he did it once and tries to blame it on being “under pressure”, it’s very likely he’ll try to get away with it again. I’m sorry, I try to be very fair when I’m in disagreement with someone else, but if they yell at me or get in my face, I will yell back. Just as nagging is something some Bees can’t handle, I can’t handle anyone getting in my face.
Sorry, I don’t really have any good advice to offer to the OP besides agreeing that you definitely should go ahead and talk it out rather than stew on it, but I just had to get my feelings out there. gramgeek, you don’t deserve to be yelled at, even if maybe an apology for “nagging” your Fiance is in order.
Post # 11
I know this is going to be the less than popular approach, but In My Humble Opinion, I think you need to seek him out and apologize. You nagged at him while he was studying. It’s not like he was watching TV or playing a video game. I’d probably yell at Fiance if he was bugging me about something while I was trying to study. And as you are, he would be in the wrong in that situation.
I think to say that ” We don’t live together so I can choose to not see him and not talk until I want to” is going about this the entire wrong way. You can’t give him the silent treatment because you were out of line and he reacted.
This is something you need to deal with now, not later.
Post # 12
You were bugging him while you not only knew he was studying, but under a lot of stress and pressure at work. He wasn’t in a relaxed open-to-discussion mindset. If the roles were reversed, would you not maybe get frustrated too?
I’m not saying he should have yelled, but everyone has a limit and it sounds like he reached it.
“I wanted to apologize for the part I played in our argument last night. I appreciate how hard you’ve been working and it was not right of me to nag you while you were studying. If you could carve out some time for us to smooth this over and go over some wedding details it would really help us get on the same page and decrease some of this stress we’re both feeling without yelling.”
You said this is not typical, so cut him a break and extend to him the same courtesy you’d want from your partner if it was you who was working all the time. Sometimes it’s not about being “right” or teaching someone the error of their ways. There is a time and place for everything and it sounds like you need to work on your timing.
Post # 13
@KatyElle: Agreed. Everyone has a limit. I have freaked out on my SO simply due to mounting stress, and my SO can be pissy when he is sleep deprived.
You shouldn’t take it personally and you need to realize his life cant revolve around the wedding.
Post # 14
Wow everyone has given me great advice thank you so much!
Following your advice we both apologized to each other for what we are each responsible for. So glad I came on here before I turned to my stubborn ways and caved in.