(Closed) Am I overreacting? My dad giving away step sister before me?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Take a deep breath…  a daughter’s relationship with her father is a very precious thing, and no matter what your step mom or her daughter have to say or do, you will always be your father’s daughter.  You can’t control who is getting married first, and your father giving your step mom’s daughter away has no baring on your wedding or your relationship with your father.

You have every right to feel the way you do right now, but you do need to take a step back and focus on your wedding day.  I know it is easier said than done, but you really do need to focus on you.  Your wedding will have the friends and family there that you invited and that you love, and your father will be there to give you away.  Speaking from experience, that is a special moment between you and your dad that NOTHING can take away from.  If you focus on the negativity in your life during your wedding planning it will consume you. 

I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 5
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Wow. Miss Sea Spray I can honestly see your predicament. I don’t think you are over reacting… you can own your feelings so long as you direct them in a non-threatening manner, and not blow up in front of other people. You would just regret the outburst.

I wish I had something thoughtful to say other than this… (too bad you didn’t book your wedding before your step sister!) So not helpful I know. But I had to throw it out there…

I think I might have missed this… but are you close to your dad that you can’t just go out to lunch with him alone and just open up your feelings with him? That way- even though this probably can’t get fixed, at least it is off your chest, and maybe the best person to make you feel better- is your dad! Maybe he will say something insightful that no one else can say to lift that weight off your shoulders? A good supportive hug with the dad always does the trick for me…

Maybe he won’t walk her down the aisle. Maybe he will opt out regardless of what his wife requests of him. Maybe your step-sister will want both of them to walk her down the aisle? How would that make you feel if it was the two of them? Maybe your step sister didn’t consider that- and your dad will see if that suites the family dynamic better?

I wish you the best of luck. Your feelings are your own, and no one can tell you what the right way to feel is. If this is how you feel. Then so be it! You will just have to learn how to manage it in a healthy constructive manner, that works for you.


Post # 6
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Well, I don’t really have advice on whether to address this with your Dad or step sister or not.  But you sound v. upset so I just wanted to reassure you of one thing:  even if your dad does end up walking your step sis down the aisle, it will in no way diminish his excitement and joy at walking you down the aisle.  As you said, he raised you and had very little part in your step sister’s life.  I’m sure he loves her as part of his new family, but that can in no way compare to the lifetime he’s spent with you.  The act has meaning b/c of the special bond between you, and that newness of that won’t wear off b/c he’s done it before.  My sister was married 9 years ago, but I know my Dad will be just as blubbery walking me down the aisle.  He has a special and unique relationship with both of us, and it will mean just as much to him.

So whatever happens, and I’m truly sorry to hear how horrible your stepmom is being, please don’t imagine that anything can take away that special experience you and your dad will have on your wedding day.  It’s yours and its not about the number of times he’s escorted someone to their wedding, it’s about *you* and how much it will mean to him to see *you* getting married.  I know this is probably just sort of the final straw in what’s sounding like a grueling situation, but hopefully it’ll bring you some comfort.  Maybe you can also talk to your dad and without bringing up specifics just tell him honestly that this back-to-back wedding thing has you down and you just want some special time alone with him (like a dinner together or a weekend if you’re far apart).  That might give you the closeness you sound like you’re needing with him, and be a very special memory that you’ll have associated with your wedding planning.

Post # 7
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry!  Hang in there, maybe it will get better after you’re married!

If I were your stepsister I would be the jealous one!  You got engaged before her, and you got the excitement all to yourself for a couple months.  She’s had to share it.  Also, her dad has passed, so who do you think she’ll be wishing was walking her down the aisle?  She’ll be thinking of her dad.  Your dad on the other hand will be walking her down the aisle and thinking of when you took your first step and when you went out on your first date.  He’ll be thinking of you the whole time!

I wouldn’t be too concerned, yes he’ll have done it before, but both of them will be thinking of someone else.  The crocodile tears will come on your wedding day.

As for your stepmom, I’d bet a million bucks that the reason she treats you so poorly is an inferiority complex.  Because you were there first.  Because he loves you more.  Because if he was forced to choose, he’d choose you.  Because you were engaged first, because your ring has meaning to you (not just some expensive thing).  She’s being overly defensive by attacking you.  So next time she makes a snarky comment about how whatever it is isn’t good enough or how her daughter’s is better, just think: "She’s only saying that because she’s afraid to like it."  Don’t hold your breath for her to change.  She’ll always be that way.  Just focus on your relationship with your dad and build a new life with your Fiance.

Post # 8
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Families aren’t perfect and sometimes the reasons people love each other and stay together are not aparrent.  But your dad is always going to love you (and that most likely drives your step-mom crazy).  And since he didn’t raise your step-sister, he is not going to have the same feeling giving her away as he will you.  You’ll get that special moment you want. 

It is okay to feel a little jealous, its normal, but chances are your step-sister is a little jealous of you right now.  You still have your dad, and even though your dad is a part of her life, its still not her dad.  You get the honor of allowing her to share your dad.  Like I said its okay to feel those things, its normal.  But don’t let those feelings ruin your day.

Post # 9
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you are overreacting a lot. I have an icy relationship with my step’s as well so I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, which can easily be done, but really- you are a lawyer. Look at the elements of your case- your poor relationship with your step’s doesn’t take away the simple fact that your wedding is 2nd and her father has passed.

Post # 10
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I do think you’re overreacting.  You’re taking two entirely different issues and merging them.  Your relationship with your step-mother might not be so good, but that really has no bearing on your father’s relationship with his step-daughter.  You might not see her as his daughter, but maybe she sees him as her father, or the best father-figure in her life.  Whether your father has walked another daughter down the aisle or not will have no affect on how happy he is when he walks you down the aisle.

Post # 11
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Well, I think if it would make you feel better you could tell your dad how you feel.  maybe he’s feeling the same way.   However, you said yourself that you do like the step sisters.  Seeing that her father died, your dad seems to be the best choice.  You might want to let it be, for her sake.

 Will he also be dancing a father/daughter dance with her?  Is there a way somewhere in all of this, for him to keep something just special between the two of you?  Could you have a slide show at your wedding and include some pictures of you and him when you were little to show him what he means to you?

I’m sorry about your stepmom.  She’s toxic.

Post # 12
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You are your dad’s little girl, and there is no way that him walking his step daughter down the aisle will diminish your day at all.  Think how harsh it would be to not let your dad walk her down after her own father has passed away.  This is the closest she has to a father now, and her day will be sad enough because her Dad isn’t there.  Don’t let the bad relationship with your step mother get in the way.  I would try to  change the negative, jealous feelings to ones of empathy for your step sister and appreciate your good fortune that you have your dad walking you down the aisle, and not someone filling in for your father who has passed away!

Post # 13
1 posts

I have to agree with Johnsbride09. You are merging two problems in to one. As a child with a step parent and a person that dislikes her mother in law for the same reasons you hate your step mother, i agree with you. My mother in law came after me, but got married before me, but she treats me like I’m nothing and her daughters are the world. Now that I’m planning a wedding, it’s all about her girls. I’m good friends with her girls and they think she’s being horrid too. Like somebody above said though, their Dad isn’t there, so they hope that my Father-In-Law will walk them down the aisle in his place. Even the people in attendance will the thinking about the fact that it isn’t her real father, so why not give her that little bit? Go ahead, dislike her all you want, dislike the situation, but don’t bring down stress on her wedding. Your father will be all the prouder when he walks you down the aisle.

Post # 14
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I can understand where  you would not want him to walk your step sister down the aisle but I agree that it wont mean nearly as much to him as it will when he walks you down the aisle.  I’m sorry that you are stuck in this situation.  Your step mom seems to be quite evil. 

Does your step sister really want your dad to walk her down the aisle?  Or is this purely your evil stepmother’s plan??  If it doesn’t mean that much to your step sister then it might not happen any way.  

My father passed away when I was in high school.  When my sister got married she had my brothers walk her down the aisle.  I in turn will do the same. Does your stepsister have any brothers?  Or a close uncle.  Maybe you can point her in that direction without making too much fuss.  This would possibly be more special to her and help you too.  Two birds with one stone.

Post # 15
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know you’re upset, but try to imagine how your step-sister feels. Her father is dead. I’m sure that she would rather have her real dad walk her down the aisle, but that’s completely impossible. In her heart I’m sure she knows that having your dad walk her down is a poor substitution for her own dad, and I imagine she is pretty envious of YOU for having your dad walk you down. Your dad will feel very different when he walks with you. Escorting a step child is not the same thing as giving your daughetr away. YOU are the lucky one here, not your step-sister! Remember your blessings and be kind to those who have less.

Post # 16
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

You should talk to your dad about this.  It is going to be a very different feeling for him giving you away.  He isn’t going to be thinking "Oh, well I just did this 2 months ago, so whatever.  No big deal".  You are his daughter, regardless of your parents divorce, he remarrying, etc.  It is clear you have issues with your step-mother and I suggest remedying that situation immediately.  For your sake and well being as well as any children that you may have.  Get it out in the open!  It is sooo much healthier to talk about it.  Harboring these feelings are not good for you.  I am sorry you are going through this.

I have an excellent relationship with my step-father & he will be walking me down the aisle, along with my mom.  He has 2 daughters as well and they are nothing but excited for our wedding.  Him walking them down the aisle when they get married will be COMPLETELY different.  However, he was so touched that I asked him to walk with me.  Tears and everything…he means the world to me.  Is it possible that your step-sis feels the same way?  They also married when we were all in our 20s & I don’t see how it is any different.

Just take a few deep breaths and try to look at the situation from everyones angles.  And, most of all, TALK to your family.  It will be better for everyone!  Good luck 🙂

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