Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2019 - Edmonton, AB
My husband and I got married two months ago after being together for 5 years. He always seemed to be respectful to women, so one time back in our dating days he brought up that he went to a strp club before he met me which surprised me a little. I told him that I dont like the idea of him going to those clubs because I hate that women are being objectified and quite honestly it makes me feel uncomfortable. He promised me after hearing how I feel about strip clubs that he wouldn’t go to one again. I really appreciated him taking how I feel seriously.
A week before our wedding he had his bachelor party. His groomsmen ended up taking him to a strip club and he even had a private room with one of the strippers for half an hour. He came home that night at 5am and told me about his experience. Earlier that evening I had a huuuge fight with my mom and I was bawling my eyes out and just so distressed. So when my fiance came home and told me this I felt that there was no way I could be extremely upset with the two people I love most at the same time, especially a week before our wedding so I brushed my feelings aside and didn’t react to him going there. My husband told me his private room experience wasn’t good and that the stripper smelled like instant noodles?? I feel like he was just telling me what I want to hear. I felt so disrespected.
Two months after being married, his younger brother has his bachelor party. My husband tells me it’s at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. He comes home that night at 1am and tells me they all went to a strip club. Now all the anger I’ve repressed from my husband’s bachelor party is coming out and I dont know what to do. I told him how I feel about strip clubs , he told me if it makes me uncomfortable he wont go anymore and then he goes to more times and has a private room on top of that. I just don’t know anymore.
Post # 2
No, you are not overreacting. Your husband should respect your wishes and your boundaries. Strip clubs are a total dealbreaker for me and I would be unable to stay in the relationship if my SO kept going to strip clubs knowing it hurts me.
Post # 3
You’re not overreacting. I agree stripclubs are not places for men who respect women – and a private room… ick. And the instant noodle comment, whether true or not, doesn’t help – he’s degrading a woman to justify his actions. But I think you’ll get a lot of people on here who think differently about men and stripclubs, etc. and that’s fine. However, I think something, regardless of anyone’s feelings on strip clubs, that stands out is how he promised not to go and then went twice. He gets one baby point for telling you each time, but he shouldn’t have done it in the first place and if he planned to disrespect you that way, he should have at least toldy you beforehand (easier to ask forgiveness than permisison, I suppose).
I definitiely encourage open communication with him about it. I would start with the dishonesty – he’s straight up wrong on any value system there. Then you can move onto the obvious values mismatch you guys have in this area and set boundaries/compromise where needed. I know, easier said than done. Feel for you!
Post # 4
Oh bee, what a nightmare. I don’t think you are overreacting AT ALL. For sure there will be bees who are quick to tell you that THEY see nothing wrong with it, but it is a boundary that you discussed and he (presumably) freely agreed to. Disrespecting you twice like this is just so hurtful and insulting. For me personally it would be a dealbreaker as I am completely opposed to the objectification/commercialization of women and I’d be moving out as I would have lost all respect for him at this point. My Darling Husband knows my stance on this and it has been a clear absolute boundary for us from day 1. Perhaps time to draw a line in the sand? But you may not feel ready for that. Otherwhise – Counseling (with the right therapist who GETS IT!) could be an option? (Not some middle aged guy who will bully you into thinking that your views/feelings are “naive” – I just had a friend who went through that with a couples’ counselor.) Sending you a hug and wishing you all the best.
Post # 5
If you set this boundary with him and he crossed the line, then he disrespected you. It’s as bad as cheating.
and sure, this isn’t a boundary that I set in my relationship, because I am not bothered by strip clubs, but that doesn’t mean I don’t uderstand where you are coming from.
a boundary is a boundary and it is completely wrong of him to go back on his word.
Post # 6
I’d be pissed off too.
He probably thinks he is doing the right thing by telling you about it and not lying or keeping secrets, which obviously is better than lying and keeping secrets… But I just don’t get what is so hard about just saying no?
Like, usually the strip club is an end of the night thing that one or two of the guys decide is a great idea after several hours of drinking. By that point, fun has been had and if someone isn’t into the idea, it just isn’t that hard to say “alright guys, have fun, I’m calling it a night”.
Post # 7
It’s perfectly fine for you not to want your partner cavorting with naked women. Full stop.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
I mean, he broke his promise to you when he went for his bachelor party, especially with the private room situation. Since you didn’t seem to mind that, he probably didn’t realize you’d be upset about him going the next time. I would just explain to him that you were hurt the first time but you didn’t want to get into it before the wedding. He needs to apologize and rebuild your trust, since he outright lied to you / broke a huge promise. It’s too bad this is the “norm” for bachelor parties.
Post # 9
5 years ago you made a boundary. Did you reneforce / remind him of that before his stag do?
You then didn’t react when he told you the truth about going to one. That essentially told him that what was said 5 years before no longer stands.
Its fine for you to get upset and to have it as an agreed boundary but you must tell him if he does something that you don’t like.
Post # 10
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. The man is showing you the content of his character. No, I’m not talking about strip clubs. I’m talking about his disrespect for you and his inability to keep his word to his spouse.
He is revealing himself. This isn’t bullshit. Take it seriously as you make decisions about the relationship.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2021 - City, State
You are not overreacting, no strip clubs is your boundary and you made that clear, sure, there are other people who are fine with their guys going to strip clubs and are more “you can look, but don’t touch” however, that is their decision and they have different boundaries, but that doesn’t make your boundaries wrong, infact, some boundaries are important in order to have healthy relationships, they are your boundaries and nobody has the right to tell you what they can and can’t be. The problem is that he isn’t respecting your boundaries and you need to enforce them, even if it means ultimately leaving.
Post # 12
Hang on, I feel like everyone is jumping to conclusions a bit, that conversation happened a loooong time ago though and not everyone have good memories about conversations in the past especially men it seems (case in point my husband would forget things we just talked about during the week and I can recount some of our conversations in the past word for word and he can’t remember it happening at all..).
Did you have a boundaries conversation before the bachelor party?
If he’s usually a respectful man I would give him the benefit of the doubt and have that conversation now about how upset you are about this. Remind him of that conversation you had years ago but don’t expect he remembers.
Post # 13
You are not overreacting bee. He knows how it makes you feel and yet it’s the second time he’s doing it to you while being fully aware of that. It’s not ok and you need to talk very seriously without further delay. If it happens again after that, you’ll know you’re with someone who does not respect you.
Post # 15
5 years ago when you were dating in a random conversation he said he wouldnt go. It doesn’t seem like you talked about it or set boundaries before his bachelor party so you let it go, and then he went with his brother for another bachelor party and it seems you knew he was going to a bachelor party and didn’t talk about the potential of a strip club visit, but now the conversation from 5 years ago is a big deal… Sorry bee but the time to make this a big deal has passed you had a lot of opportunities to voice your opinion and you didn’t. That’s not to say you can’t tell him that you have never really been okay with it and discuss it and set different expectations for the future.
Having been to a strip club a few times, it’s weird AF and I don’t think he is lying to you that the experience wasn’t good. My female friend like to go and got us a private show and there are no words. I think it’s a good indication that he doesnt enjoy them as he was home by 1 am. Now when my friends want to go, I go home.
Post # 16
sassy411 : 100% on point. OP, read this and then read it again.