Am I overreacting to my husband going to a strip club?

posted 1 month ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

alicia95bride :  I’m super lax on strip-clubs. Personally, it doesn’t bother me. But the “private room” is a major red flag. And also that he continued to go despite knowing you hate it. I don’t feel you’re overreacting.

Post # 17
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: London

Not an over reaction at all, he knew your boundaries and he ignored it, thats so disrespectful. How he handles that and how he reacts when you discuss it will say so much. 

Post # 18
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sometimes guys are pressured into going and it is difficult to say no to, I would talk about your man about your feelings but you should have brought them up 2 months ago when he went so then he would have remembered his promise at this brothers party, now you are dealing with resentment from 2 trips. I always assume they will be dragged to a strip club during these events and I have told previous boyfriends to just call me and let me know so I can mentally prepare and we can set boundaries, I worked doing this for 13 years and honestly as long as they go to a nicer one (not all nude) I am ok with it. I do draw the line at all nudes, they are disgusting to me even when I was in the industry for so long. 

 

Ive been married for 4 years and my husband still hasnt told me what they did for his party…smart man 

Post # 19
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

I don’t consider “pure pressure” a valid excuse for grown adults. 

Post # 20
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I think that you are entitled to whatever feelings you have, but I would say the following:

1)  If the conversation where he promised not to go to strip clubs happened long ago, it would have been prudent to discuss it again BEFORE his bachelor party.

2) He didn’t plan the trip to the club or the private dance/room.  He was likely being driven and, to a certain extent, at the mercy of his party planners.  It doesn’t sound like he sought this kind of thing or that he enjoyed it.

3)  You chose to overlook his transgression pre-wedding.  It isn’t fair to bring it up now.

4)  He went as part of a bachelor party for his brother.  Again, he didn’t plan the event.  It would be hard to just walk out and leave his brother.

I would ask him if you could talk to him honestly.  I would tell him that you really hate strip clubs and that when he chooses to go to one, it feels like a violation.  I would also tell him that you are asking him to not go in the future, under any circumstances AND that you really appreciate how honest he has been about it. That way, you own your feelings, you are clear about what you are asking and you aren’t accusing him of anything.  Men tend to shut down when they hear accusations from us.  

I am so sorry you are hurting, bee.  Best of luck.

Post # 21
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

1) The fact that you set a boundary and he did it anyways is a problem. 
2) “private room for 30 min” is a major red flag. Things go down in there…. The girls are looking to be paid in there and will do a lot to be paid. I would have major concerns. 

I am someone who doesn’t care about my man going to a strip club at all- doesn’t bother me. Even so, you are not overreating because of the above. 

Post # 22
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

Yeah…the “private room”….that is bad bad bad. I do not buy into the “pressured into it” excuse. Hell no. You know all he had to do? Walk out the door of the “private room”. He also could have left the strip club. 

Yeah, you should have reminded him of your boundary with strip-clubs before this particular event but regardless it shouldn’t even be a question of acceptability when it comes to the “private room”. 

All the following excuses are bullshit: “he was pressured”, “he was dragged there”, “he was most likely uncomfortable” etc.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

He disrespected you big time and there’s no excuse.

Post # 23
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s been trained that he can violate his agreements with his wife and there will be zero consequences.  He does not consider her upset to be a consequence.

OP can expect more of the same.

Post # 24
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

alicia95bride :  Ugh, I feel for you bee. The private room in particular would make me very uncomfortable. 

If your husband is a generally good and straight up guy, and you feel like you have a respectful relationship overall, I would consider one of the points raised by previous bees: timing. It is possible that the conversation you had several years ago felt like a distant memory by the time the stag do came around, and that your calm reaction to what happened at his stag do gave him the impression it didn’t bother you.

I think the more important thing here is how he reacts when you raise your feelings with him now. 

I’m not saying what he did was ok, or that you shouldn’t be angry or disappointed given your original conversation, I’m just thinking how I would react if it was my husband (who is an honest and good guy that would never intentionally hurt or disrespect me). 

Post # 25
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’re over reacting tbh, you told him once when you first started dating five years ago that you didn’t like strip clubs and didn’t mention it since then even after he went to one at his bachelor party. He’s only been twice in five years and both times were at bachelor parties, where it is very common to go to strip clubs. So he’s probably telling you the truth about not really enjoying them.

Also, I completely disagree that going to a strip club a couple of times in your life means you have no respect for women. Those women are probably paid much better than I am as a professional with a masters degree, it’s their choice and they are paid very well for it, and if it’s a high quality club they will treated well too. As a lesbian who considers herself a feminist I would like to visit a strip club myself, I might enjoy or I might not, but trust me I have a lot of respect for women, so I think it’s really unfair to label OP’s husband as someone who disrespects and objectifies women because he’s been to a strip club three times in his life. 

Post # 27
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

I think you should just talk to him and reiterate your feelings about strip clubs. I don’t think this is the hill to die on but clearly it makes you uncomfortable (I would also be uncomfortable so I totally understand and sympathize) but this seems like something that can be resolved with an honest, calm conversation.

Post # 28
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

i think people are jumping to a lot of conclusions here.  it sounds like you had a general conversation about strip clubs five years before you got married, but you did not discuss it before his bachelor party.  then he told you he went to one, and you said nothing about it, but you were secretly furious.  now he went to one again, and it seems again you’ve said nothing??

it’s fine to be uncomfortable with this, but you need to speak up and make it clear that this is hard boundary for you. 

Post # 29
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

He not only broke his promise, he went again despite knowing how hurt you would be.  IMO people who are in a relationship/married have no business going to a strip club.  This is extremely direspectful to you and I would talk to him and tell him this is unacceptable.

Post # 30
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

overthemoon2018 :  did he know how much she would be hurt by it though? Sounds like they hadn’t really discussed the boundary again for years and she said nothing when he told her he went to one.

 

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