Post # 1
I’m in a long distance relationship (we live in 2 different countries and I don’t live in my own country). We finally get to see each other next weekend after 4 long months apart. He sent me a picture of himself laying in bed, and I said that I couldn’t wait until he was in my bed, trying to be cute/playful. He responds “please don’t rape me” then says its a joke. I said that was weird and he said people in his country often joke like this. I simply said “ok” but the more I think of it, the more it bothers me.
Am I overreacting? Mostly, I just don’t think it’s funny (or any kind of joke like that), and he’s never made that kind of joke before. Beyond that, I don’t think you should make that joke to your girlfriend, especially a long distance one who has been busting her butt to make sure he has a good visit in a country he hasn’t been to before. He knows I’ve been lonely and missing him a lot and that I’m excited to see him. Every time I try to be playful with him, I get shut down and this is another example. I’ve asked him before why he doesn’t say much when I try to be playful and he says he “doesn’t know what to say.” But this?! Now I feel nervous to be physical with him when he gets here. Am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive?
Post # 2
I think you should have a talk with him. For me, rape jokes ate totally disgusting, and it would bug me for that reason. I would draw the boyndary.
Another problem is why he’s not into your flirtations. Is he from other religion/culture than you? If he doesn’t respond to your playfulness, maybe he thinks there is something weird/wrong about it?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
I don’t find rape funny ever, but I have heard people joke like that before and I’m pretty sure it’s meant innocently enough. Its hard for me to know how you should take it without knowing more about the two of you. Is he nervous about being intimate with you? I know when I met my SO I would sometimes say flirty things and he would brush them off and I would feel so hurt and unwanted but he told me it made him nervous and he didn’t know how to respond. After a while he got comfortable and it was no problem.
Post # 4
I think you should just talk to him and tell him that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t think it was that bad but I know when it comes to rape that is a serious thing not something to joke about but everyone is different what might make someone feel uncomfortable might be the same as someone else. I wouldn’t let this eat you up inside and drive you crazy if you don’t like it then just tell him.
Post # 5
I would say move on. Was it an off joke? Yes. But I doubt he was trying to be hurtful.
Some people just can’t play along. Early in our relationship would say cutesy things to my DH all of the time and he wouldn’t respond, or say something weird. I would get upset. Then it would happen again, it’s a circle. Also the high emotions of being LD plays into it too. Been there.
My advice, tell him why that joke wasn’t ok, then move on.
Post # 6
I don’t think he meant anything by it. His one comment is not a trend by any means. Guys still have a preconceived notion that a man can’t get raped. Some still think it’s a funny thing to say. It was inappropriate, and you should tell him so. If you don’t think something he says is funny or appropriate, you need to nip that in the bud, and tell him straight away. You need to set that precedent really early on in your relationship, that you’re not going to keep things bottled up and bugging you.
Post # 7
You’ve already talked about it and it sounds like you made it clear that you were uncomfortable about it, so for now I would let it go and assume he heard you and won’t make that “joke” again. If he does — and hopefully he won’t — that would be the time to make it very clear that rape “jokes” are not funny under any circumstances and that you expect him to refrain from ever making one again.
The second issue could be an incompatibility between you. You are playful, he is not. If your partner being able to respond playfully to you is important to you, he might not be the guy for you. If you can adjust to not having that dynamic in your relationship — OR if he wants to learn to be playful — then it might not matter. You’re the only ones who can figure that out.
As far as being physical with each other during the visit, are you usually the one to “make the first move?” If not, I wouldn’t worry about it; just figure he’ll start kissing you or whatever and then you’ll be good to go.
Post # 8
I would have a talk with him. Some people aren’t aware of social issues and don’t realize that what they’re saying is bad, especially if they are surrounded by that kind of language. If you speak with him, you can inform him that rape jokes are never funny, and move on from there.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone! The long distance has been getting to my emotions a lot lately, so I like to have the input from other people to see whether I’m being rational or not. I think you are all right that he didn’t mean anything by it. I will let him know when we talk on the phone tomorrow that I don’t like those kinds of jokes. Hopefully it won’t be an issue again.
Post # 10
it was a joke!!! Depending on his sense of humor this type of saying is funny … It actually means he would like for you to have sex and fun. Some people do not find rape jokes, race jokes, much very funny … He most likely had a very open sense of humor and of course he is not implying that you are a raspiest it was meant to be an off color “cute”
Post # 11
it sounds like he was uncomfortable or nervous and said something stupid to fill the void. I wouldn’t like the “joke” either but it doesn’t seem like he meant any harm. You know, LD can be so hard, sometimes you just gotta let things roll and deal with them in person. hang in there, when you see each other all of this angst will melt right away!
Post # 12
Yes you are overreacting. His sense of humor seems different than yours, but that doesn’t make his comment disrespectful or weird. My boyfriend and I make jokes like this all the time. I know that some people wouldn’t find it funny or even weird, but that’s the way we are.
Post # 13
I think in your last post you said he is Asian? Because that sounds like a very Asian sort of humor. I lived in Burma for 4 years and dated a Chinese guy and that was definitely the kind of thing he said. It’s just a different culture, and it’s not “normal” to be open and comfortable when talking about sexuality. I think you need to talk to him and explain how it makes you feel but also ask him about why he feels the way he does and gradually build up to a middle ground in which you are both comfortable.
Post # 14
That’s true about different sense of humor, but he has never made a joke like this before, which is why my first reaction was “wow that was weird,” which is exactly what I said to him. He’s normally very sweet when I am trying to be sweet (we had previously been talking about what I’m going to cook for him and such). We can both have a weird sense of humor, and it’s usually either kind of the same or the other doesn’t really respond. This particular instance struck me as odd, and then made me upset when I started to think about it. But like I said…I’ve been quite sensitive lately, and I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, especially if it was true I was overreacting as I suspected.
haha yes, he is Asian. I considered mentioning that earlier but didn’t. I do think that’s part of it. Sensitivity regarding race/sexuality/rape/mental illness/etc doesn’t really exist here.
Post # 15
Right?! I’d of replied “can’t rape the willing”, but that’s my sense of humor.
OP- The act of rape is not funny and nobody would say that it is. But his sense of humor and “flirting” is probably very different than yours. So when you talk to him, let him know in a calm, ratuonal manner that while he may have tried to be funny that you don’t appreciate that type of humor. Don’t accuse, but be open and let him know that it’s offensive to you.