(Closed) Am I overreacting to this one little comment?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you should have a talk with him. For me, rape jokes ate totally disgusting, and it would bug me for that reason. I would draw the boyndary.


Another problem is why he’s not into your flirtations. Is he from other religion/culture than you? If he doesn’t respond to your playfulness, maybe he thinks there is something weird/wrong about it? 

Post # 3
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I don’t find rape funny ever, but I have heard people joke like that before and I’m pretty sure it’s meant innocently enough. Its hard for me to know how you should take it without knowing more about the two of you. Is he nervous about being intimate with you? I know when I met my SO I would sometimes say flirty things and he would brush them off and I would feel so hurt and unwanted but he told me it made him nervous and he didn’t know how to respond. After a while he got comfortable and it was no problem. 

Post # 4
660 posts
Busy bee

I think you should just talk to him and tell him that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t think it was that bad but I know when it comes to rape that is a serious thing not something to joke about but everyone is different what might make someone feel uncomfortable might be the same as someone else. I wouldn’t let this eat you up inside and drive you crazy if you don’t like it then just tell him.

Post # 5
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

View original reply
dogwood09:  I would say move on. Was it an off joke? Yes. But I doubt he was trying to be hurtful.

Some people just can’t play along. Early in our relationship  would say cutesy things to my DH all of the time and he wouldn’t respond, or say something weird. I would get upset. Then it would happen again, it’s a circle. Also the high emotions of being LD plays into it too. Been there.

My advice, tell him why that joke wasn’t ok, then move on.

Post # 6
507 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think he meant anything by it.  His one comment is not a trend  by any means.  Guys still have a preconceived notion that a man can’t get raped.  Some still think it’s a funny thing to say.  It was inappropriate, and you should tell him so.  If you don’t think something he says is funny or appropriate, you need to nip that in the bud, and tell him straight away.  You need to set that precedent really early on in your relationship, that you’re not going to keep things bottled up and bugging you.

Post # 7
2909 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve already talked about it and it sounds like you made it clear that you were uncomfortable about it, so for now I would let it go and assume he heard you and won’t make that “joke” again. If he does — and hopefully he won’t — that would be the time to make it very clear that rape “jokes” are not funny under any circumstances and that you expect him to refrain from ever making one again.

The second issue could be an incompatibility between you. You are playful, he is not. If your partner being able to respond playfully to you is important to you, he might not be the guy for you. If you can adjust to not having that dynamic in your relationship — OR if he wants to learn to be playful — then it might not matter. You’re the only ones who can figure that out.

As far as being physical with each other during the visit, are you usually the one to “make the first move?” If not, I wouldn’t worry about it; just figure he’ll start kissing you or whatever and then you’ll be good to go.

Post # 8
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would have a talk with him. Some people aren’t aware of social issues and don’t realize that what they’re saying is bad, especially if they are surrounded by that kind of language. If you speak with him, you can inform him that rape jokes are never funny, and move on from there.

Post # 10
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
dogwood09:  it was a joke!!! Depending on his sense of humor this type of saying is funny … It actually means he would like for you to have sex and fun. Some people do not find rape jokes, race jokes, much very funny … He most likely had a very open sense of humor and of course he is not implying that you are a raspiest it was meant to be an off color “cute” 

Post # 11
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
dogwood09:  it sounds like he was uncomfortable or nervous and said something stupid to fill the void. I wouldn’t like the “joke” either but it doesn’t seem like he meant any harm. You know, LD can be so hard, sometimes you just gotta let things roll and deal with them in person. hang in there, when you see each other all of this angst will melt right away!  

Post # 12
160 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
dogwood09:  Yes you are overreacting. His sense of humor seems different than yours, but that doesn’t make his comment disrespectful or weird. My boyfriend and I make jokes like this all the time. I know that some people wouldn’t find it funny or even weird, but that’s the way we are.

Post # 13
893 posts
Busy bee

I think in your last post you said he is Asian? Because that sounds like a very Asian sort of humor. I lived in Burma for 4 years and dated a Chinese guy and that was definitely the kind of thing he said. It’s just a different culture, and it’s not “normal” to be open and comfortable when talking about sexuality. I think you need to talk to him and explain how it makes you feel but also ask him about why he feels the way he does and gradually build up to a middle ground in which you are both comfortable.

Post # 15
1030 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Mandy0721:  Right?! I’d of replied “can’t rape the willing”, but that’s my sense of humor. 

OP- The act of rape is not funny and nobody would say that it is. But his sense of humor and “flirting” is probably very different than yours. So when you talk to him, let him know in a calm, ratuonal manner that while he may have tried to be funny that you don’t appreciate that type of humor. Don’t accuse, but be open and let him know that it’s offensive to you. 

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